OUR STORY. THE BEGINNING

OUR STORY. The beginning.

I do clearly remember, though, I’ve tried to forget.
How you told me, “ You fell in love with me the first time we met “.

Back then you were married, me engaged.
Later, passing each other by, both shackles and caged.

You, captured by the sister, me, tied down to the brother.
It was forbidden for us to ever love one another.

I dwelled within my lonely room.
Night after lonely night, hoping it would all end soon.

You toiled and labored,in an effort to please. She saw you as nothing and, hurt you with ease.

For this brother and sister, we were never good enough.on us, they lashed out, snarling and cursing.
Still we stood by them, through good times,and the rough.

After ten years past, you reached out at last. With just a simple question,” How are you tonight?”
The dark corners of my room,flickered with light.

How nice it was to feel some human connection,After so many years void of kindness and affection.

We talked a bit, from day to day.
It was all innocent chatter.
Til,one night, our hearts finally gave way.

We saw each other, a simple embrace. Pulling apart with smiles on our face.
It had been so long, since either of us felt a warm touch.

We both knew we needed each other, and realized how much. That night, we parted . Still innocent of any wrong. Returning to our prisons,humming a hopeful song.

This feeling we felt,so honest and true.
You longing to hold me.Me yearning for you.
I couldn’t wait until our next
Moment we’d spend alone.
Until then, late at night, texting our desire for one another,
Sending our longing, our love, through the signal of a phone.

Reviews

[JayG]

• I do clearly remember, though, I’ve tried to forget.
How you told me, “ You fell in love with me the first time we met “

This couplet demonstrates what I meant about prosody. The thing to remember is that in structured poetry the goal isn't to end the line with a rhyme. That's not the purpose. The rhyme is the tink of a symbol, an accent, not a thud. Think of something simple, like "roses are red," and how you read it. It's done in two beats, with a quieter space between them, as it:

ROses are RED...VIOlets are BLUE. Each stressed and unstressed pair are called a foot. And if we use that pair as a drumbeat we establish a rhythm, just as a song does. In this case, strong/soft/soft/strong

So we have a first line with four feet. And whoever wrote this continued the same way, though it can change. But what does matter is that the rhythm, BANG/bang/bang/BANG...BANG/bang/bang/BANG is maintained. Try reading it without the stressed syllables and the feeling of flow vanishes.

When the unstressed one leads it's called an iamb, which is where we get the term iambic. When the stressed leads it's trochee. Each has its own feel, and there are more than just the two. Together, they are your tools, the notes in your scale.

Think of how it would read were it:
- - - -
Roses are red
Violets, which I dearly love, are blue.
Sugar is sweet
And so are you.
- - - -
Lumpy, right?

With that in mind, look at your opening lines and smooth them a bit for flow:
"I do clearly remember, though, I’ve tried to forget."
i DO CLEARly reMEMber though I've TRIED to forGet.

See the problem? There's no smooth flow, or repetition of the beat. So maybe we can fix it. Do we need the word "do?" Can we remove one of those commas:

I clearly remember, though I’ve tried to forget. =
i CLEARly reMEMber, though-I've TRIED to forGET.

See the pattern? bang/BANG.bang/bang/BANG/bang/bang/BANG

I'm not wild about having to combine though-I've into a beat. It seems tro work, but a reader, seeing it for the first time won't know how I intended it to be read. So perhaps a rephrase?

I'll always remember, and cannot forget.
i'll ALways reMEMber,and CANnot forGET.

This scans, and says the same thing more tightly. with a pattern of:
boom/BOOM/boom boom/BOOM/boom boomBOOM. I could add a "her," or "him" at the end, to match, but then it feels a bit sing-songy. And ending a line on a stressed syllable like that, with a chopped off beatr is called a masculine ending (I guess the old time bards figured that women are more gentle).

But I'm still not satisfied, because if I say that I'll always remember, isn't not forgetting inherent in that thought, and redundant? Sure, it scans more smoothly, but still... So perhaps...

Memory stays, in spite of the pain
MEMory stays, in SPITE of the PAIN.

Here, we hint that the breakup wasn't easy, which tells the reader more than simply that the speaker remembers. It's not wonderful, but say the line a time or two and you'll find yourself falling into the rhythm of the words—in effect, playing a drum to keep time to the song.

Is it your poem, and what you wanted to say? Of course not. But it is a look at how a given poem might be made more concise, while the rhythm of the words contributes to the mood of the piece.

Make sense? Read that excerpt I suggested, Fry explains it a lot better than I can.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Resa]

It seems I have a lot to learn.
I’ve been writing poetry since I was eleven years old.
read moreIt seems I have a lot to learn.
I’ve been writing poetry since I was eleven years old.
I once had the privilege of meeting the dean of literature from Stanford.
His only criticism of my work was that, I over used the same words too often.
He told me I had a lot of talent and potential.
I suppose he was simply being kind because I was so young.
Thank you again for your honesty. :)

[Resa]

I’m still trying to decide where to go with this.
I’m thinking I’ll just focus on our love story.
Leave out all the pain and drama surrounding my child’s father. If you have any thoughts or input, I will gladly listen :)