Christmas Letter

...

When we first met, you used to wake up 5 minutes before you had to be at work. Now, we leave 5 minutes late because you're making sure I have everything I need. I'm forgetful. I call you my memory because you know everything I've already forgotten, even though I'd heard it only 15 minutes before. I tell you everything, because you remember everything.

I give you a lot of s**t but most of it is the s**t that I can't handle by myself, masked in the things you do. You play on your computer too much, I don't want to be lonely. You don't help me out with the laundry, Im scared to let you because I'll end up refolding it anyway due to the tiniest crumb of OCD left behind by my father when he died, and I don't want you to feel unneeded. Will you do the dishes even though I promised I would do them so your hands have a chance to heal, I terrified of that water because of the harmful memories the heat brings back. I listen to music during the day to distract my thoughts and write stories and poems in my head at night to organize them.

You are my memory, but you are also my balance.

I say im not hungry, you make food for yourself that you know I will like because you know that everything you have, I want to. A month ago, I thought you were self centered. Last week, while I was eating the corn you desperately wanted while you were making something new for yourself, I realized you were my-self centered. Even though you'd told me a thousand times, it never registered until that exact moment, until I realized you brought that bowl of corn in the room because you knew i would want it.

I broke down in tears at work because I realized how lucky I was to have you. I cried, and those kids tried to make me feel better with jokes and hugs but all I wanted were yours. I come home every day craving your touch, to press my ear against your chest because the sound of the beat of your heart is soothing to me. Im a child at heart, yet you still take care of me.

I act like a child when I'm tired or sick, and you simply hold me until I realize the world isnt going to end because I can't find my phone, or my vape, or my water. You are my life, and you are everything I need in this life with you. I love you, I will always love you, and I'm going to strive everyday to show you because nothing in this life is worth losing you.