'Sylis' Chapter 5

   She pulled off the curb onto the main road. I studied her smiling face.  Could I tell her about last night?  I looked down and quickly shook my head.  I couldn’t tell anyone, not ever.  People already thought I was crazy or at least a bit strange.  I liked that Shakey treated me differently.  I didn’t want her to see me the way everyone else did.  I rested my arm on the windowsill and thought back to the knife and letter that had mysteriously vanished.  I turned my wrist over and examined the bandage as the wind blew threw my fingers. Why couldn’t I remember how it got there?

 

‘’So,’’ Shakey turned and smiled ‘’do you think he will notice me?’’

 

‘’Who?’’  I looked across confused. 

 

‘’Luke, of course!’’ she exclaimed.  I rolled my eyes.

 

‘’I can’t see how anyone will miss you Shakey, especially with those legs.’’

 

‘’That’s the plan’’ she giggled.

 

  I looked back at the turning as we drove straight past the few convenience shops near the flat. 

 

‘’Umm, I thought we were going to the flat first.’’  I said. 

 

‘’We were,’’ she smiled, ‘’but I’ve decided to drive and leave my car there.’’ 

 

I shrugged and looked back out the window and frowned as I turned back towards her.

 

‘’How are we getting home then?’’  I asked.  Her blue eyes twinkled innocently at me.

 

‘’Ahh’’ I nodded ‘’you’re not coming home, are you?’’ I smirked.

 

‘’That’s the plan’’ she giggled again. 

 

  She took the fifth exit off the dual carriageway and headed straight along the long country road.  I stared lazily out of the window at the white walled cottages and thatched roofs passing us by.   I closed my eyes and smiled. It felt so good to relax without seeing the nightmares.

 

  I let my mind wander. When I opened my eyes again all the little white cottages had gone. In their place sat huge houses set way back from the road.  They looked so different, all unique in some way. I smiled as I stared out of the window, what was so wrong with being different anyway.  I looked up at the slated tower on the grey mansion and wondered how much it was worth.  A million?   Probably more? 

 

  I picked my favourites as we drove along, valuing them in my head, until they were too far apart to compare any more.

 

  We turned down a single-track road.  I looked up at the tall, green trees curving into each other overhead, like driving through a long green tunnel.  Small beams of light danced through the trees, making pretty patterns on the dashboard. 

 

‘’Are you sure you know where you're going?’’ I asked tracing the shapes with my finger.

 

‘’Yep, just a little further’’ she replied.  ‘’In fact it’s over there’’ she pointed. ‘’Can you see it?’’  

 

I squinted at a clearing in the trees and watched a single white balloon bouncing in the wind. 

 

  She turned into the entrance.  Neither of us spoke.  We both stared open-mouthed at the huge manor house far in the distance.  She slowly made her way down the long driveway. I looked back and forth nervously at the lush green lawns and wild deer passing us by. Ahead was a tall, stone wall, with worn lion statues on top.  I watched them grow bigger as we neared the archway and turned to watch them disappear out of sight.

 

  I shifted in my seat and stared at my wrist. I should have checked what kind of party this was.  I should have known that Shakey wouldn’t think to say unless specifically asked.   I looked up and gasped at the enormous water fountain, decorated with ivy and stone cherubs.  Shakey smiled as she drove around it and pulled into a space next to a silver Jag.  I stared at the huge medieval looking door and sank further down my seat.

 

‘’Let’s go’’ she beamed as she swung her door open.  I sighed at her excitement and slowly stepped outside. 

 

I wobbled my way along the pathway, crunching stones with my high heels as I tried to catch up with Shakey.  She stood completely still near the manor door.

 

‘’What are you....?’’

 

‘’Shh!’’ she interrupted.  We both froze as a green peacock walked past, displaying its bright purple feathers.

 

‘’Amazing isn’t it?’’ she smiled, knocking the large door knocker hard against the door.

 

  My neck started to prickle again. I slowly turned and looked over my shoulder at the trees.  The bolt slid noisily and the door creaked open.  I turned back and frowned at the well-dressed man hanging off the door.  He laughed as he spilt Champagne down his jacket and loosened his tux. 

 

‘’Shakira,’’ he beamed standing up straight, ‘’and this must be the lovely Grace.’’  He reached to my hand and kissed it.  I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. 

 

‘’I’m Marcus,’’ he said grinning. ‘’please, come on in.’’

 

  My mouth fell open as we stepped through the wooden doorway and stared at the curved marble stairway ahead.  Marcus touched my shoulder lightly and smiled as he stepped around me.  I stumbled forward to keep up but soon dragged behind. I couldn’t take it all in. There was too much to look at, old portraits and fine tapestries, expensive gold trinkets and delicate china vases, antique furniture, brass candlesticks, chandeliers.   I looked up and gasped.  The whole ceiling was covered in beautiful art, of angels and clouds and beams of light.   

 

  I felt something hard jab in my ribs, I closed my mouth and carried on walking as Shakey glared and walked to Marcus’s side.   I followed behind them, looking into each room as we walked down the grand hallway. Straight ahead was a huge smouldering fireplace.  I stroked my hand along the wall in between the detailed oil paintings and glanced at the fire as I walked past.  I stopped and turned to look again. There weren’t any flames.  I slowly crouched down and reached my hands towards the logs.  It was cold. I frowned and carefully picked one up, feeling its rough surface completely un-charred. I turned it over and tossed it back on the pile and heard a noise rustle from above.  I tilted my head towards the chimney and stared up at the black hole.

 

  I jumped and stood back as a glass smashed from outside. I looked desperately around the hallway for Shakey and Marcus and ran quickly inside the nearest room, towards the open doorway. I looked back over my shoulder nervously as I stumbled out onto the courtyard.   I gasped. In front of me was a sea of elegant cocktail dresses and designer suits, I slowly looked down at my white vest and jeans and panicked as I turned back towards the door.   

 

‘’Don’t freak.’’ Shakey said, grabbing my arm.  I couldn’t speak. I shook my head pleading.

 

‘’It’s ok’’ she laughed pulling me from the doorway. 

 

We walked to an unoccupied spot in the garden and took a champagne flute each from the waiter.  

 

‘’Isn’t this great?’’ she said taking a sip. 

 

‘’Best thing ever’’  I said dryly, staring at my glass.

 

  I listened to Shakey ramble on about the manor and watched the sun start to set. She talked of how Marcus and William had been left in charge but I wasn’t really paying attention.  I was too distracted by the glamorous people around us. The more I watched them the more I realised that none of them had paid us any attention at all. It was like we were invisible to them all.

 

  I yawned silently and watched the crowds mingle and circulate.  I homed in on a couple and looked at the old, well groomed man in the distance. I had been picking people out all night, trying to work out what was going on from just their body language. It was a bit like watching a foreign film without subtitles but at least it was something to do to pass the time.  I stared at the slender blonde on his arm, young enough to be his daughter and smirked as his hand slid down her waist onto her bum.    

 

  My neck started to prickle. I had that strange feeling again. Like someone was watching me. I scanned the crowd and watched the guests smile and laugh at each other, all oblivious to me being there. I raised my glass to my lips and smirked. I was being so jumpy today.

 

  I took another sip and frowned as I looked back at the crowds. There was somebody new.  Her emerald green eyes locked with mine. I blinked and stared at her long red hair tumbling down her waist.  Everything about her oozed confidence.   She was surrounded by men and women, all desperate to be noticed by her but she wasn’t paying them any attention at all. She stared straight at me as if nobody else were here.  I looked down at my blue jeans and back to her figure-hugging dress and quickly looked away as my cheeks blushed. I stroked my neck and casually looked over my shoulder. There wasn’t anyone behind me; she had to be looking at me.  I glanced back in her direction but she hadn’t moved. She stared right into me, not even blinking.    I looked away nervously and tried to tune back into Shakey’s conversation. 

 

‘’I haven’t seen him yet’’ she whispered.

 

‘’Maybe he’s not coming.’’ I replied looking at the floor.

 

‘’Oh no, Marcus said he definitely is, I just wish I found a better dress, I mean talk about dull compared to this lot.’’

 

  I stared at her blankly and slowly sipped my champagne.  I glanced back to red haired women but she wasn’t there any more.  I quickly searched the crowds trying to find her face in the packed courtyard but couldn’t. She had gone.  I smiled at my glass and brought it to my lips and turned back toward Shakey.  I gasped in a huge mouthful of champagne and coughed violently, as the redhead women giggled next to her.

 

  I slowly looked down her body at her skin.  There was something strange about her, something not quite right. Her skin was sun-kissed, but completely flawless, not delicate and freckled. It wasn’t just flawless it was glowing too. All the way around her body, less than a centimetre from her skin was a mist of blue transparent light. 

 

  I wobbled backwards in shock, staring into her huge green eyes. There was something odd about them too.  The whites of her eyes looked more silver than white, sort of liquid looking.  She exaggerated a blink and giggled again, like she had seen my reaction and my reaction amused her. 

 

‘’How rude of me’’ Marcus said.

 

‘’Grace, Shakira, allow me to introduce Lilly and my brother William.’’

 

  I watched Shakey kiss William’s cheek, but I couldn’t move.  I was too fixated on the shimmering eyes and blue mist surrounding Lilly’s body. 

 

‘’Excuse us’’ William smiled and locked arms with Lilly.

 

Marcus stopped the waiter walking past, I quickly nudged Shakey’s arm. 

 

‘’Did you see that woman?’’ I whispered.

 

‘’What about her?’’ She whispered back.

 

‘’Did you notice anything odd?’’ she turned discreetly and smiled at Lilly and William. 

 

‘’Uh yeah’’ she said as she turned back ‘’She must be a model or something. . .where is he?’’ she said, standing on tiptoes. 

 

‘’No not that,’’ I said pulling her down, ‘’what about her skin, her eyes?’’  Shakey raised her eyebrow. 

 

‘’Never took you as the jealous type Grace, but it’s probably just laser treatment or something.’’ 

 

  I sighed and shook my head and glanced back at Lilly. She stared at me just like before, her misty blue outline never fading.  She smiled playfully, with certain eagerness in her face.  It made me nervous.  I turned back towards Shakey, Marcus handed me a new glass of Champagne, smiling eagerly too.  I downed it in one. 

 

‘’I like a girl who can drink’’ a voice laughed behind me. 

 

  The champagne hit my stomach like acid burning my insides.   I had to hold my breath to stop it coming back up.  The little hairs on my arms stood on end.  I didn’t turn to see who was speaking, but everything inside of me screamed that something was wrong.

 

‘’Luke!’’ Shakey shouted, smiling. 

 

  I turned slowly to face him and stared at his mousey gingery hair and dark beady eyes.

 

‘’And who is this?’’ he asked, smiling.

 

  His voice made my skin crawl.  I was frozen to the spot but inside I wanted to run.  I wanted to scream too, everything about him scared me.  His eyes and face were like two separate identities, his face smiling, but his eyes looked evil, like he could snap you in half with his stare alone. 

 

‘’I’m Grace.’’ I said taking a half step back. 

 

  He stared at my feet and smiled as he stepped closer to me. He reached out his hand but my body screamed ‘NO’, like huge alarm bells ringing inside my head.  I looked at Shakey’s confused face and slowly, reluctantly raised my hand to his.  He shook my hand and laughed as the sick feeling washed over me again. I could feel a piercing pain, like someone crushing my ribcage.  It was like all the sorrow all the nightmares I had tried to forget, being slowly, painfully injected back in. I thought about the pain I felt that night, of other ways I could try to end it.  I pulled my hand away and blinked as the pain and nightmares started to ease.  I looked at him, shocked.  

 

‘’Really pleased to meet you’’ he said.

 

  He moved swiftly to Shakey's side and wrapped his arms around her waist.  She threw me a surprised, happy kind of look. I opened my mouth to say something, but hesitated and slowly lowered my arms to my side.  He smirked and pulled her in tighter.  

 

  I watched him talk to Marcus and Shakey but it was like nothing had happened.  They couldn’t feel the cold chill I felt.  I looked at them shocked as they laughed at his jokes and smiled at his touch.  He smirked at me as he closed his fingers around Shakey’s shoulder.  I watched in horror as a black inky liquid seeped from his fingers onto her skin.  I stumbled backwards as the stain grew bigger turning grey as it dried.   

 

‘’Too much to drink eh Grace?’’  Marcus laughed.

 

  I looked at him confused and stared at my empty glass.  What was in these drinks? Was I really going crazy?  I looked around and panicked as people laughed in the distance. I had to get out of here.

 

‘’Can I use your bathroom please?’’ I said quickly.

 

‘’Actually, good idea’’ Shakey smiled stepping towards me. ‘’I could do with powdering my nose.’’ Luke dragged her back and kissed her neck.

 

‘’Don’t worry,’’ she laughed peeling off his fingers, ‘’I’m coming back.’’  He raised his hands and smiled.  I watched the inky marks instantly lighten on her skin as he stared at me like a hunter stalking his prey.  He stared like he was going to kill me.   My hands went cold and clammy.  I grabbed Shakey’s arm and pulled her quickly towards the house. 

 

  I found the oversized rest room and ran inside before Shakey got to the door.  I twisted the taps quickly and waited as the water shot violently into the basin.  I cupped the water with my hands and splashed it against my face and glanced at Shakey walking towards the mirror. 

 

‘’What’s with you tonight?’’ she said, blotting her lips on a piece of tissue. 

 

‘’I don’t know,’’ I replied, ‘’I guess I’m still just feeling weird from my slip in the bathroom this morning.’’  I dabbed my face with a towel and dropped it into the laundry bin.

 

‘’Oh yeah I forgot about that, how is the head?’’ she said reaching her hand out. I put my arm up quickly to stop her.  

 

‘’And what’s with this bandage?’’  she frowned as she grabbed my wrist.

 

‘’It’s nothing.’’ I said yanking it away.

 

‘’Seriously Gracie, it’s not a good look.’’ 

 

  I stared at the floor and felt my eyes water.

 

‘’Look,’’ she said, tilting my head up ‘’if you’re sick, go home. I won’t hold it against you, promise’’ she smiled.

 

‘’It’s fine’’ I said forcing a smile ‘’I’m. . having a good time.’’

 

She laughed. ‘’You really must be sick . . .Grace ...enjoying a party? That’s a first.’’ She put the lipstick back in her purse and closed it shut.

 

‘’What do you think of Luke then?’’ she said fanning herself.  I looked at the floor. 

 

‘’I think Marcus is quite into you too.’’ she nudged me and raised her eyebrows.

 

‘’Oh please’’ I laughed and rolled my eyes. She laughed and smoothed down her dress in the mirror.  

 

‘’Actually Shakes’’ I said softly ‘’I’m not too sure about Luke, I don’t know what it is, I can’t quite put my finger on it.’’ She stepped in front of me.

 

‘’You are kidding, right?’’ she said, flatly. 

 

‘’Err’’ I stuttered ‘’Well maybe I just don’t know him well enough yet.’’  I smiled.

 

‘’Well I like him’’ she said re twisting a curl ‘’and with any luck he likes me too, that’s if some rich chick hasn’t already snapped him up, so can we please get back out there.’’ 

 

‘’Sure.’’ I said biting my lip.  

 

  We walked back out to the courtyard, the sun had set and a million twinkle lights decorated the garden.  We headed back to where Luke was standing, talking to William. I looked around for Marcus and for Lilly.   I watched William hand a glass to Shakey and stared at Luke as he held one out to me.  I didn’t want to drink it. He watched me hold onto the glass and smirked. 

 

‘’So Grace,’’ William turned to me, ‘’Shakira was telling me you fell today; I trust you're feeling well now though?’’ I glared at Shakey and faced William.

 

‘’Yes fine now thank you, I was just being clumsy’’ I replied.

 

‘’Personally I think you're lucky Grace.’’ Luke said. ‘’Imagine if you had done yourself some real damage.’’  I stared at him.

 

‘’Shakey said you live alone?’’ He frowned.   ‘’You could have been there for days and no one would have found you.’’  William nodded in agreement.  ‘’You should be careful, anything could happen’’. He said raising his eyebrow.

 

‘’Yeah, you really should Grace’’ Shakey echoed. 

 

  His words may have sounded sincere to the others, but to me, it was too close to the truth.   He pulled Shakey towards him and smirked. I watched the dark inky liquid seep back into her skin, making new stains on the faded marks. He tilted his head as if daring me to say something.  My hands shook uncontrollably as I quickly stared at the floor. 

 

‘’Well I'd best go and circulate’’ William said. ‘’See you all shortly.’’ I watched William head towards the crowd of business suits and jumped as Luke grabbed my arm. 

 

‘’I see you caught your arm on your fall’’  he said as he gripped my arm tighter.

 

  I could feel the dark despairing feeling again, even the people around me seemed to dull a few shades. My eyes bulged as the inky black liquid crept up my arm.  I yanked it away hard.  

 

‘’Are you ok Grace?’’  he said smirking.  ‘’You don’t look so good.’’  I rubbed my arm to try and remove the stain but my head started to spin, making me feel sick and dizzy. 

 

 ‘’No, I’m not feeling great.’’ I said, putting my fingers to the bridge of my nose and paused as I took in a few deep breaths.

 

 ‘’Well maybe you should go home’’ Luke smiled.

 

 ‘’Yeah, that would be right,’’ Shakey snapped, ‘’go, leave your best friend alone at party.’’  I shook my head, confused.

 

 ‘’Oh come on’’ she said, rolling her eyes ‘’You’ve been dying to go from the moment we got here. It’s just so typical of you’’  she snarled. ‘’Promise and never deliver; too absorbed in your own self-pity to actually give a crap about anyone else. Just goes to show Grace, if it’s not for your benefit then you’re just not interested are you?’’ 

 

  Her words hit me like a slap around the face. I couldn’t speak. I stood there stunned and frozen to the spot.  I had never heard her so angry and so spiteful.  I felt the splinter throb inside me; the one I thought had been removed. 

 

‘’It’s ok baby,’’ Luke said turning to Shakey ‘’You’re not alone. I’m here.’’ I ignored him and grabbed her shoulder.            

 

‘’Shakey I’m not going to leave you here.’’  I said.

 

‘’Do you know what Grace’’ she interrupted ‘’Just go.’’ I dropped my hand away

 

‘’I don’t want to go’’ I said, hurt.

 

‘’Well I want you to!’’ she snapped.  I flinched at her words.

 

‘’It was a mistake inviting you here, I should have known you’d just be . . YOU!’’

 

  I was completely wounded, I couldn’t find any words at all.  My mouth just hung open as Luke tucked Shakey’s loose curl behind her ear. 

 

‘’I think she has made her point’’  he said gesturing towards the door.

 

‘’Agghh! Don’t you get it?’’ she said angrily. ‘’I don’t want you here!’’  I stumbled back.   ‘’GO HOME!’’ she screamed.

 

  I heard the laughter turn to silence and looked round at the rows of confused faces.  I could feel their eyes on me; I could feel what they were thinking.  My eyes filled with water. I turned and walked quickly back towards the house as the music started up again.  I took one final glance over my shoulder and watched Shakey stare into Luke’s eyes.  He smiled his evil smile, and kissed her hard on the mouth, waving me goodbye.

 

  I ran quickly through the huge rooms of the manor. I just wanted to get home.  I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.  I felt so uncomfortable and so humiliated.  I wiped an escaping tear from my cheek and rummaged in my bag for my phone as I ran quickly towards the door.  I could here Marcus call behind me. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I just wanted to hide.   I pulled at the huge wooden door trying to heave it open.  It didn’t budge. I pushed and pulled it frantically, feeling the panic rising inside.  I slammed my hand hard against the door and rested my head on it as more tears trickled down my cheeks.

 

‘’Stupid, posh door.’’  I said hitting it with my head again. 

 

‘’You need to slide the bolt’’  a voice said next to me.  I flinched and looked across at Marcus face, full of pity. 

 

‘’Thanks.’’ I sniffed and reached for the lock. He rested his hand on top of mine, which sent a wave of warmth through my body.

 

‘’You don’t have to go you know’’  he said staring at me.

 

‘’Yes I do’’ I laughed.  I could feel my eyes starting to water again. 

 

‘’I don’t belong here Marcus and it appears I’m no longer welcome either.’’

 

‘’Rubbish’’  he said, shaking his head.   ‘’You are welcome, besides . . . I want you here.’’

 

  I stared into his warm brown eyes; his face was smooth and kind looking. His eyes twinkled as he studied my face.  I looked at my hand that he was still holding and frowned.

 

‘’Sorry’’  he said as his face blushed.  ‘’You want to leave and I’m stopping you.’’  He slid the bolt across and the door creaked open.  I stepped towards the door and paused as he touched my shoulder lightly.  ‘’Still,’’ he sighed ‘’I’ll be very sad to see you go.’’

 

  I smiled at him and patted his hand lightly as I opened the door and stepped out onto the shingled path.  I heard the door close softly behind me. 

 

  I took off my heels and carried them in my hand as I walked along the grass towards the entrance in the distance.  At least out here I could relax, away from the questioning eyes and whispers.  Out here my toes felt comforted by the soft springy grass underneath and by the cool night air and blanket of shining stars above.  I dialled the taxi firm’s number and prepared myself for the long wait ahead.

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  £45 I paid to get home.  I would easily have paid double, as long as it got me as far away from that place as possible, far away from Luke.  No strangers greeted me when I got in, invisible or otherwise. The house felt very still and quiet, a haven compared to the nightmare I had just been through.  Everything remained untouched.  The letters were still on the bedside table where I had left them, the blood still on the sheets from the night before.  I flopped into bed and curled up into a tight ball.  I wanted to cry.   I shut my eyes tightly and refused to think of anything. I just needed to sleep.  Tomorrow would be a new day.  I could assess everything with a clear head. If I woke to find pixies dancing on my bed, then maybe it would be a good time to go see the doctor.

 

Author's Note

This is a DRAFT version of ‘Sylis’. I am aware that there may be a lot of technical error’s but at this stage I’m trying to get feedback on the story line, character’s etc. Any technical advice will be gratefully received and I will look to edit the whole story with everyone’s suggestions in mind.
Thanks for reading
Michelle :)

Reviews

[These Haunted Hallways]

lol, oh man, that was really, really good!! Actually, i've been in those kinds of 'party situations,' where i just dont feel welcomed at all. Plus, i get nervous, and i, myself, dont feel like i belong. That's why i hate parties or clubs, heh. I could feel what she's going thru tho. And that Luke and her so-called friend that was with him...i think that they're just too creepy arrogant, if ya ask me lol. And woh! That's a lot of money for a cab, man, wow! Jeez, here in the states, if i had to pay that much, i'd just walk it lol! I can use that for my own gas for a week lol! Excellent chapter tho, great job! :)

M.

[Reaching for the clouds]

Wow....that was powerful. Shakey was incredibly mean there. I could identify with Grace though so much its eery. I have felt that way before myself at times...i have often been the designated driver at parties just so that i would have the freeness to leave when i wanted. I could identify with the free feeling of getting out of that house and feeling the fresh air...and then getting home and feeling safe and content too.

Very well done!

[Christie Moses]

oh ok well I don't like Shakey so much any more! What a jerk! I am so totally gonna have to keep reading. I need to know what happens next.
Poor Grace. I feel a kinship with her so deeply as I have felt that fish out of water feeling so often in a crowd such as that.
You really have a gift for describing the world around her. It makes a reader feel they are a part of it all.
On to chapter six.

[Mark]

I am quite taken with this story, Michelle, though it is developing very slowly, that only sets me up for a greater payoff when it DOES come
Just a few trivial typos I wanted to mention: In the first line, you used the American spelling, "curb", where before you have been using the British "kerb"; at the party you referred to the red haired WOMEN, but there was only one, was there not, so should be "woman", and, after she ran quickly to the door, she could HEAR (not HERE) Marcus calling her.

Incidentally, I mentioned "whingeing" in an earlier review. I just read "Notes From A Small Island", by Bill Bryson, who uses that spelling several times, despite his being American! So, you're off the hook!

[Coyote Poetry]

The chapter was amazing. I like the road trip and the gathering of people. I like how you describe the people and the situation. You held my attention till the last word. I like her escape. A very entertaining chapter. Thank you.
Coyote

[Megan S.]

Things You Should Work On:

The only thing I have is that you made the change in Shakey a bit too abrupt. Try to ease her into it, like… make her slowly get more and more irritated as the night goes on a bit. You may have done the abrupt bit for a reason we’ll later find out, but for me it just felt a little broken and planned out in an author’s head. Try working on that, but other than that I have no complaints

Things I Really Liked:

OH MY GOD! YOU ARE SO UNFAIR IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY! This chapter was ACE! The party scene wasn’t something that bored me to tears like most do. You made it intriguing; you made me WANT to figure out what was going to happen next. I wanted to know who was going to look at her next, who would touch her, what effect it would have on her, and why it would have an effect on her. I wanted to scream at Shakey when she was a jerk! I mean, your friend is just honestly coming back to you and you YELL at her?! Seriously? Ugh. And then the guy, I think his name was Marcus (I’m no good with names, sorry.), touched her and he was like, I don’t want you to leave, and she was all like YAY, warm fuzzy feelings! I was like, LEAVE! He could be a freaking killer for all you know. You know the whole good cop-bad cop routine but instead it’s handsome sweet boy-handsome serial killer looking boy! Ah! So, as you can probably tell, you did yet another amazing chapter!

Favorite Line:
That would have to be, “I slammed my hand hard against the door and rested my head on it as more tears trickled down my cheeks. ‘’Stupid, posh door,’’ I said hitting it with my head again.” Yelling at doors is a fun experience. If you’ve never tried it, you should because they’re normally not doing anything and then you feel even stupider when you realize that YOU are the one who can’t operate a door. No, really, I loved this line because it’s totally a “me” moment!

I love this! I shall bug you until you finish writing this story. I promise. 

--Megan S.

[Althelia Marie Caine]

Wow. You are a very good writer, my friend:) I enjoy reading your work

[Ravyne Hawke]

Another excellent chapter. I can definitely relate to Grace here.. I never was one to attend parties much, always felt out of place in them and more like a wallflower than a go-getter partier. You've done a great job with the characterization here, the flow and the conversational parts. Wonderful job!

[?]

wow, another very detailed chapter, loved it

[Jim Parson]

Ah, the plot thickens yet again! Lot's of new questions raised...hoping to start getting answers soon. As always, your descriptions are terrific and your characters and your dialogue are believable. I have a few things for you though.

I don't know why I didn't notice this before, but you have a punctuation issue throughout that will need to be corrected. Whenever you have dialogue, your quote must always have punctuation of some kind before and after the "he said". Typically, it would be a comma. Here are a couple examples from your story.
How you have it: ‘’Ahh’’ I nodded ‘’you’re not coming home, are you?’’ I smirked.
How it should be: ‘’Ahh,’’ I nodded, ‘’you’re not coming home, are you?’’ I smirked.
How you have it: "That’s the plan" she giggled again.
How it should be: "That’s the plan," she giggled again.

This is really prevalent throughout this whole chapter. I don't really remember it being an issue in previous chapters and I'm too lazy to go back and check, ha ha. But you might want to. And make sure to watch that going forward.

You have "women" in a couple of sentences when it should be "woman". "I glanced back to red haired *women* but she wasn’t there any more."
"I gasped in a huge mouthful of champagne and coughed violently, as the redhead *women* giggled next to her."

You use the word "smouldering" to describe the fireplace, which by definition means there is smoke rising, yet the fireplace is cold and the logs, uncharred. Was this intentional to build the mystery of the place and to add unexplained phenomenon?

William's appearance came as a shock. You were talking about Lilly standing right there next to Shakey and describing her in detail and then Marcus is saying let me introduce Lilly and my brother. William had to have been right there as well that whole time but there is no mention of him whatsoever. It was like "where did this dude suddenly come from?" You might want to consider mentioning that there is a man standing there as well when she sees Lilly and chokes on her champagne.

I think that's it for this chapter. The story is advancing very nicely and I'm liking it better with each passing chapter!

[Chris Smith Welshpoetcs]

I am on tenderhooks, awaiting the next part.