A Love Proverb

The story of an old man and his unforgiving past.

And as he stood, a stage appeal;

He only writes, for what is real.

A quill and ink set by his side,

The masterpiece swelled up in pride.

 

A teardrop falls on to the page,

Mixing with ink he writes a phrase;

“Oh to my young and dear and sweet,

I love you so, just hear me, please.”

 

The last words fell into the rhyme,

He took a bow and fell to time.

And as he fell he threw his work,

Into the dark without a smirk.

 

He sits alone, so old and cold,

His love for her, she’ll never know.

And to this day, to his dismay,

No words, no ink; a life so gray.

Author's Note

So, I wrote this out of inspiration of a picture I saw of an old man sitting alone on a bench outside. It said "I've been in love with the same woman for almost 50 years now. I wish she knew." Plus, I wanted to see how well I could write a rhythmic poem with a nice and easy beat to it. tell me how you like it, critisize and so on. Thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Wuji]

This poem has serious merits and a first class title. It feels crafted and polished and the only thing it lacked was a tiny bit of the next level of authenticity-originality. However, it is of a very high order and shows a great deal of poetic potential.

[Michael Thrower]

Why thank you very much! It is one of my best poems.

[Gleb Zavlanov]

Wonderful work! It felt real and was rich with a lot of sorrow and heartbreak. Truly sad, very lyrical and rhythmic and outstanding!

However, in this phrase, "He sit’s alone, so old and cold," sit's should be sits

[Michael Thrower]

Thank you! And I never even noticed that. Thank you for helping me spot that out, haha

[Frieda P]

Kudos Michael, you painted the perfect picture here of tragic loneliness and the chances we pass up in our lifetimes, regrets ink'd sadly poignant.

[Michael Thrower]

Thank you so much Frieda :) I feel like I don't write as many poems like this as I used to. Maybe I should.

[Frieda P]

Was my pleasure Michael, this struck a chord with me, enjoyed. :-) ...and yes, you should!

[Emily]

I love this write. It's full of a sort of tragic dignity that tugs at your hearts rings all the more because of the perception of the advanced age of the man. To me, the word "smirk" didn't seem to fit 100%, but the rest of the piece is so perfect that it doesn't really matter. I can tell that you were really moved by that picture because you have brought it to life in this short number of words. Thank you for sharing!

[Meliss@k]

brilliant.
"the masterpiece swelled up in pride" is what caught my attention and beckoned me to keep reading. I pictured a sweet old man who kinda looked like a wizard? with a long white beard as he wrote the sweet note and hoped for the best but then passed away... at least he got what he needed to say off of his chest.

[Michael Thrower]

Very good depiction! Just how I hoped people would see it :)

[Meliss@k]

Yay! I always love it when we write something and people see exactly what we had planned. :)

[Emilie Louise]

it's beautiful it really captures a one sided love affair it's really beautiful

[AleyshaRosa]

The beat was really smooth and made me want to continue reading. I thought it was fantastic and painted a very real picture in my mind.

[The Scholar]

Loved this. Doesn't sound forced at all, lovely rhythm. Creative as well. Mind if I shelve it? ;)

PS I see you like Robert Jordan. You haven't read the Wheel of Time, have you?

[Michael Thrower]

Ohh yes, I love those books ;) And I don't mind! Thank you for the compliments!

[The Scholar]

Any day.

I'm eagerly awaiting AMOL :]

[Michael Thrower]

Ohhh me too, I can't wait. Is there a release for it yet?

[The Scholar]

Well, the release date at the moment January 8th. But you never know. The prologue and first chapter are online though. :)

[Steven]

It's good. The best rhymes are less obvious, less attached to turns of phrase.

[Janice Fronek(red.panda..]

A teardrop falls on to the page,
Mixing with ink he writes a phrase;
“Oh to my young and dear and sweet,
I love you so, just hear me, please.”

those are my favorite words