Endless Slumber

A story I wrote for a project in my English class.

What do I do anymore? The man stood, arms spread in an endless space of white light. The light’s source seemed to come from the air itself rather than a specific object. He stood alone in the cold room, bare feet on the life-absorbing tiles. He wore a suit of black and gray, lined from his torso to his ankles. No sound was in this void, but the chaos in his mind was deafening. A sharp pain erupted from his chest. Clutching his left breast he saw blood begin to spread, soaking his black and gray shirt. Out from behind him, from what seemed a great distance, came a wave of horrid screams. They echoed off the imaginary walls, he felt closed in. Gasping for air he covered his ears with blood-caked hands. As if they were right beside him, the thousands of screams only became louder. Feeling his clothes start to stick to his body, he saw that the black and gray suit he wore was now a full, crimson, red. Screams pounding in his head, lungs on fire, and heart bursting, he let out a loud scream. There was no sound. Chocking, he grasped his chest again and began to run. The terrain of the room quickly changed from a blinding white to a deadly red. The ground on which he stood became a searing, hot, mud. Smoke filled the air. A large tower of liquid black and ebony could be seen to his left, covered in hell-fire. He looked behind him, the screams began to follow his physical body as well as his mind. As he ran, a large crowd of dead beings, skeletons, and fierce demons were chasing after him. He began to run faster, but they were gaining on him quickly. The screaming stopped as his eardrums burst, sending a volcanic throbbing into his mind and throughout his body. Is this hell? He couldn’t think enough to tell.

Suddenly he felt himself falling. The atmosphere became a suffocating black, everything disappeared. His clothes were now a pure white, free of blood, and he could hear again. The falling sensation stopped and he began to float in place. A white visage appeared before him. The image was of a beautiful, young, woman. Pure in youth and eyes as blue as the night sky, she stood before him. Her long blonde and brown hair swept gracefully over her shoulders. She held her hand out to the man. Recognizing her, he began to weep and cry out. He moved to get closer to her, but her image only moved further away, slowly fading. He was falling again. Past stars, milky way, and neon-lights he fell. As if he knew he could stop this nightmare, and wake up to a new reality, he kept falling. Falling into the comfort of this dark serenity he did not wake.

Author's Note

I wanted to write something suspenceful. Something that would make the reader shiver and want to keep reading, yet at the same time wish they had never started. As always, I want honest opinions. Thank you, hope you enjoy :D

Reviews

[dukovan]

Dude your talented, I can see your both a poet and a story teller, try writing on all sorts of planes and formats, your have a cool voice, learn to chisel it down maybe a bit and begin to search for "more" of a point. Your only 18. Keep on writing and learn your cryptic, do a lot of work. Look forward to reading more of your work, also if you want to check out a piece of mine called "they said." I'd appreciate it. It reminds me of this a little just our different styles. Almost like we felt the same story lines happen for us but we just expressed it differently. Which proves what art tends to do, show we are all alike and yet different.

[selkietales]

Your story is amazing :) The descriptions are great. Theres just some little technical things I would change. "As he ran, a large crowd of dead beings, skeletons, and fierce demons were chasing after him," I think this sentence should have skeletons omitted or dead beings omitted or said differently because a skeleton is a dead being so when you put it separate I wasn't sure if you meant then that the dead beings were only considered such when they have flesh?
"The image was of a beautiful, young, woman." You don't need a comma after young.
The last thing is that when you said his hand was caked with blood you implied the blood had coagulated into something at least somewhat solid which seems unrealistic since he had only just been shot. Maybe you could say they were soaked in blood.
Anyway, this story was pretty awesome! Keep writing!

[AK]

Very nice and awesome style of writing! I loved your use of adjectives and theory of death. Great piece!
Akanksha Suresh

[Raven Starhawk]

You penned this with such grace. I especially liked how you described the atmosphere becoming a suffocating black. ^^* I can clearly feel that. Anyways I definitely liked how this came along. It was strong in its presence and provided a character who was believable as well as someone whom I could sympathize with.

[Jvonne]

Wow, how old are you? I see talent, lots of it. This could be the beginning of a very good mystery. If I could give you advice don't end it here! Carry on, with a bit of planning and your natural talent this has the potential to be more than just a short story.