At Question's Mercy

This poem is about self discovery. Listen to this while reading to set the tone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upSQm2KjXcc

How much am I worth to you?...

Is that even the right question I should be asking?...

Asking myself... time and time again...

I push myself, each time harder than the last,

Hoping to reach that which is unreachable...

Look inside yourself, what is it you desire most?...

That is what I say to those who ask for guidance.

But can I say the same to myself? What do I desire?

I desire truth. I desire peace. I desire happiness.

But what are these things truly?

For each and every man, there too is a song, each being different.

Each should be heard, each must be sung... but some men just can't sing...

Open your mind, and all will be made clear...

That is what I say to those who ask for truth.

But can I say the same to myself? Do I really want the truth?

As I open my mind, I am not satisfied with answers, but riddled with questions.

Truth does not comfort you, it destroys you.

One can not seek truth without also seeking their own suffering.

It changes you. It shapes you. It breaks you.

As your mind unravels, so you grow in power, but at the price of madness.

No, adversity is what strengthens you... truth is merely the tool it uses.

How much... before all meaning is lost?...

We wield knowledge like weapons, wisdom like whetstones...

What war can be won? What are you fighting? Nothing but yourself...

Look in his eyes, and see that he is but a fellow man doing what he thinks is right.

That is what I say to those who ask for peace.

But can I say the same to myself? How long can I stay my hand?

I see death surround me, the blood of men on other men.

I can not take the life of another, and yet they would take mine.

So how long until I must fight? How long before my blade must be drawn?...

Can I live knowing I let a man be killed, so not to kill a man myself?

Can I live knowing I killed a man, so that he did not kill a man himself?

How long can I preach peace without hypocrisy? How long until peace can not solve violence?...

Can there truly be peace on earth?...

Our own life is no more sacred than the life of others, and yet we are still willing to take it.

To steal life from another... it shows you might as well steal it from yourself.

What do you truly want most in life?... It is now your one and only focus in life.

That is what I say to those who ask for happiness.

But can I say the same to myself? What makes me happy? What is happiness?

Whenever I look at everything that I've done in life, it never satisfies.

Joy is never found from success, from truth, from peace...

Joy has... it's been found in life, and only in life.

You can't chase your dreams... you'll never catch 'em...

And even if you do, what's next? What is it that got you there in the first place?

You can live your entire life clawing your way higher and higher,

Or you can give into life, to living it, to experiencing it.

I can't be happy unless I'm not in control, not aware, not on top...

Because then it's over. The ride has ended. Your life loses meaning.

Enjoying life is not a product of getting better at it, getting better at life is a product of enjoying it...

Think about it... throughout history, you see two kinds of great people.

There are those who were great because they enjoyed life,

And those who did not enjoy life because they were great...

So what makes me happy?... Should I even ask that question in the first place?...

The world has much to offer, and yet I chose to sit here and write this.

Does this make me happy? I don't know... Then again, I don't know much of anything anymore.