Secret Field

Within this field such secrets are held. Secrets which are kept and never told.

So many times I have come to this field and sat here feeling the warmth of the sun on me and the
gentle breeze caressing my face. Watching the tall grass sway back and forth, almost like the waves of
an ocean. And the silence of the field seemed like something that I had never felt before. Mainly
because I had lived in the city for so long, never to hear such silence like this, because there was
always something there that broke the silence. But not here, that was something that I found, which
I had fallen in love with. I had to admit that it was because of my wife that I found here in the
country, which was probably the only thing that I had to be grateful for her about. For there was
something about this field that brought about a wonderful, peaceful feeling deep in my soul.
Something that I had never felt before, at least not to the soothing intensity which I felt here. It was
the shame that other people really could feel like I did when I was here. The only other people who
would come to this field would be the teenagers at night to drink without getting in trouble and also
to fool around with their girlfriends. Away from the eyes of the adults that would catch them with
what they were doing. The only threat that they would have would be getting pulled over by the police
back into town. Of course in a small town, most of the time they would not have to worry about that.
And on the ground there was always the remains of whatever it was that they did here in this field.
Used condoms, empty beer cans, one time even some woman's underwear that had been left with an
old blanket. Sure whoever the woman was, became embarrassed when she realized she had left it
there. Some obvious evidence of the truth of what she had done out here.
To me it really did not matter, because the only thing that I concentrated on was the serenity of the
field and that it was making me feel right. My eyes glanced over at the edge of the field where an
abandoned, dilapidated barn stood. The last remains of civilization that once existed. There was
something about it that made the barn seem ominous in a way. As if there was a secret within it that
waited for some innocent person to stumble upon it. It all seemed kind of ridiculous to me, for it was
nothing more than an idle thought that entered my mind. It seemed funny how strange thoughts like
that would just manifest in the mind for no reason. Of course with me I had always found myself with
thoughts like that. Letting my imagination run so free so many times when I would find myself alone
in the apartment, believing that my wife was out at work or her bible study group. But I was a fool to
believe her, not seeing the tattle tail signs which she gave subconsciously. By the time I did, it was
already to late and the the pain and anger was too much to take. Knowing that she embraced in
infidelity rather than embracing their love or even trying to save their marriage. That was when she
walked out and disappeared. In a way it really did not matter to me, for she had chose the life she
wanted and I could not force her to stay with me. For it would be nothing more than the same
bullshit that she had put me through before.
After she left, I had tried to start a new life as a single man. Having a couple one night stands with
women that I had met at a bar, but it was nothing that really satisfied him. Even though it did feed
the hunger of my lustful yearning. But I found myself wanting something more than just those
moments of carnal desires which I shared with those women. No, I wanted something more than just
that, which those women could not give me. The thing it was, it was not love that I found myself
wanting, it was something different that I could not comprehend just yet. Even though the feeling
lingered deep within my soul, haunting me like some faded memory that I could not grasp. That was
when I found this field, on one of my aimless drives that I had done for no reason. And because of it, I
felt as if I found some place that could be my quiet place. Like my therapist had called it when I had
told her about it. And she told me that it would be some place that would be good for me to go to
once in a while, during the summer. Just to be able to get away from the town and the memories, so I
could think straight. But that was not the only other reason which I had went there and I had no real
reason why I was there. It was like some sort a private obsession which I had found myself in. And II
had no idea why it could be. And I really did not want to even think about the real truth. Because
there really was no reason to know the truth, at least that was what I believed.
My therapist was right about it though, for it did feel good to get away from the small town and the
memories around me. I never told anyone where I went, because I felt that there was no reason for
them to know. All that I wanted was to forget about Anabel, just like I knew that she had now
forgotten about me. And after a month I had started to forget about her in a way, throwing away
everything that she had left which was hers and trying to start a new life. That was until the day the
local sheriff came by asking about her. Saying that she had disappeared and none of her family or
the people at her church knew were she could be.
“For all I know she probably went to Vegas with her lover and got married to him.” I had told the
sheriff honestly.
After explaining how she had left me and I had no idea where she had went to, he said that he hoped
that she had not become another victim of the Lincoln Strangler. If she was, she would be the fifth
woman that was found dead in some ditch along a country road. I did not want to think about her
that way, for even though I hated her I knew she did not deserve a fate like that. Just end up as a
victim number to some unknown killer. Even though I did not cry because of her disappearance, I felt
that there really was no need to. She wasn't dead, just off somewhere in a new town where no one
knew her and she could start a new life. Her family never came around to ask me if I knew anything,
neither did any of the people that she knew in church. Guess it was because they all knew about the
fighting we did and believe whatever lies she had told them about me. Either way it really did not
matter to me, because I enjoyed the privacy which I had. And I had no reason to care about what
anyone said about me.
That was in June and by the end of July, the police stopped coming to my house to question me, and
they all gave up on the search. From what I heard the case was closed and labeled unsolved. Even
though I would catch a few people in town giving me the evil eye, as if they suspected that I did
something. But that did not matter to me, for I had my special place where I could go to forget about
the past. Even now as I stand here in this field, I can still feel the serenity overwhelming me. And that
was something that no one would be able to take away. Yes, many people would come here at night,
to have their fun away from the eyes of everyone in town. To keep it as a secret to each other. And in
a way I too joined in on the same as them. For this field in a way was a place where I kept my biggest
secret of all. One that would become nothing more than a faded memory to me when I become old
and gray. Just like the memory of Anabel and her lover's disappearance, would erode into nothing
but dust in the minds of everyone. Just like the way the wall wild grass in this field will erode away in
the winter, taking with it the secret which I had planted within its safe keeping, forever.