Girl at St. Eustache

That sublime union of your body's angled precision

tanned by St. Eustache draws you to my awarness.

Your toes in open aired wonder smile,

and you sit there in the sun unaware

of the dusky perfection of your body's symmetry;

behind your darkened polaroid lenses

uncatching the glances of approval that fall your way

masking fantasies of touch,

a kiss,

a stolen moment of passionate embrace.

I could walk to you now

with a style and a word

steal you from all these eyes

like fire from the gods.

But once with you,

once in you,

your orgasm would destroy this image

and you would break

into a million fragments

of mere woman.

 

Reviews

[Solst Rapture]

You have an extra 'l' I think? '...steall you from all these eyes...'

This poems captivating introduction to this theme immediately induces a sense and an image of the beauteous woman. The delicate, refreshing scene you construct gains momentum and carries me all the way to that bed, the history of women pass before my very mind as I thrust into the notion of a mere women, dripping with sweat, tormented by the insatiable longings of being with beautiful women who know the world. The culmination of disappointment at the end sapped the life from my heart.

But once with you,

once in you,

your orgasm would destroy this image

and you would break

into a million fragments

of mere woman.

[[untitled]]

Fair play that's pretty good
I really don't know why but for some bizarre reason this really reminds me of John Donne! Like a modern remix of his 16thC archaic yet explicit language
The only really big prob for me is still just a minor one: second line, the word 'awareness'.
It feels like a hippoppotamus has just invaded, determined to make itself as conspicuous and awkward as possible
But other than that well done!
(By the way, I don't use the 95% system. 60% is a very healthy score)

[Dave Lounsbury]

Nice use of language. Good work!