Ascending

The cold air surrounds me, and I realize it isn't,
The water is endless and without relent
I feel your presence beside me, lost in the dark
I reach out with my hand, and find my mark
Hand in hand, we ascend toward the moonlight
Legs kicking in a seemingly endless flight
Air is running out, we aren't near the surface,
There I recognize my life's true purpose
I pull you around and embrace you in a gentle kiss,
But this place is anything but bliss
You realize my intent, and try to pull away post haste,
Too late, my breath is yours, and yours not to waste
As I fall back to the depth of the sea
I give you my silent plea
Take my final gift and save yourself painful death
My most precious gift was my last breath
If you were crying, I could not tell
As you ascended and I fell
And while you made it to the surface of the water,
I made it even farther
I made it to the moon, and from there I will look down on you
And hope that you hold true
To your dreams, and that you live your dreams,
Not dream your life.

Author's Note

Yes, the rhymes are a little sloppy, I wrote this at 1:00 in the morning, and like everything I write, I do it as I go, little pre-planning involved. If anyone has any suggestions to improving it (without changing too much ;) ) it would be greatly appreciated. ^^

Reviews

[Charles]

This is a nicely done piece... gets across the idea of the sacrifice made for another. It has a strong rhyming structure that generally flows and keeps the poem moving forward, but the are a few difficult areas. Adding 'I realize it isn't' to force a rhyme with 'relent' is cumbersome, 'lost in the dark' and 'find my mark' seem contrived for purpose of a rhyme - especially since they're offset by commas, and 'but this place is anything but bliss' doesn't move things along and seems, again, inserted to force a rhyme (even ignoring the two 'buts' in one line). The poem has a wondeful feeling otherwise, the slow drift upward which could be SCUBA divers or could be simply two beings drifting apart. 'My most precious gift was my last breath' is the most powerful (and defining) line. I wonder if there is a way to make the last line a rhyming one (I'd personally like a strong rhyme and closing here), but that may not be your intent at all and the lack of rhyme may be the taa-Da that you're looking for. Good work. {-)

[babyblue]

I really enjoyed this piece very well written

[Krazy On The Outside]

I love this piece!
AMAZING WORK!!

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Congrats on your great winning poem!

[Rachel]

I am steadily agreeing with all the other reviews on here Micco! It's a really serious and touching piece, I love it! But you might want to rework a few of the rhymes so that the don't sound so forced. My main suggestion would be to also look at the number of syllables in each line. Sometimes a line would have 10 syllables and then the line that rhymes with it only has 4 or 5, so the flow gets kind of obstructed. But overall, FANTASTIC!

[deeps]

This is so wonderfully written and expressed!
Like the feelings protryed in this, Love the rhyming
It flowed really nicely!

[Aranee]

This is such beautiful poetry. I can feel the raw emotions of this piece.
I liked the line, "my breath is yours, and yours not to waste"
It's as if he was breathing life into her partner, giving her a chance at life.

I think ascending is a really great title for this poem.
In the end, even though he fell into the waters, that person still rose up in death...
To watch over his loved one.

The last line was exceptionally beautiful "Not dream your life."

Brava.