So Far This Year...

I've had a bit of a turbulent year thus far and I had some thoughts about it late the other night and I wrote them down... it soon turned into this. This is rough, unedited and not masterfully written

 

February ended and it left me drawn out, butterflied stomach, cracking knuckles on my open palm �" empty.

It left me with mud splattered on my face, as if I were the greatest spectacle,

The tide was moving too fast and I needed to get up on my surf board.

I feared drowning.

I felt the water in my ears, rushing through my body as I spun in circles caught up in the turbulent motion of the water.

My body like led forcing me to sink to the bottom,

An anchor around my ankle not letting me rise for a gasp of air.

Little did I know the water was three feet high and I was on my knees,

There was nothing tied to my ankles

I was suffocating in too little.

In February I found myself having too much time.

Scared of my own enough-ness and my own too much-ness.

Time never scared me as much as it did that February.

By March I could feel moments become memories and see you laters turn into goodbyes.

By March I was no longer drowning but rather lying still, floating on the water

Looking up.

I was no longer suffocated but rather had this new sense of fresh air that I was not accustomed to.

It felt bitter rising in my lungs.

But, it was air and any type was good for you when you’ve been starved for so long �" at first.

But I’ve learnt that air can be toxic.

I was used to the suffocating and the rushed busy sounds of too much.

By April I was swimming in a vast ocean that I could not sink into no matter how hard I tried.

By April I had become reliant on this space, on this air.

There was no tranquillity in my haven there was no serenity.

There was only me and my ever clouded thoughts.

I was a spectator on my own life never fully feeling anything

Never diving into that vastness underneath

Never fully baptizing myself in, I was

Floating.

In May I began to understand what once tethered me to the anchor now tied me to the clouds,

I was becoming lost in the too much,

I was becoming small in the not enough’s.

I had let others define me and I had let others down.

I had defined myself by my losings not by my earnings

Because I had earned my place among the clouds.

I had spent my time in the paddling pool and I was ready for the diving arenas.

I wanted to plunge head first into something new something different.

June

I’m going to start defining myself in words that are entirely my own.

Not words that you have decided fit me best.

Like when you say ‘stubborn’ I say, woman unafraid of her own strong sense of who she is.

And her lack of knowledge about who she wants to be.

I am going to speak words that I find to be true.

And I'm not going to be careful or cautious.

I’m not side-stepping the hard moments or away from the tough.

I’m building myself a castle, it won’t be very large but it will be mine

And it will be sturdy and safely guarded,

Just enough so the people who don’t deserve to be let in, don’t anymore.

The guards will not be there forever,

They are just protecting me from the water.

The water which tried to claim my mind in February.

I am building a watch tower with a flame cast in the middle,

 It will remind everyone passing by that I am here.

You will see it flicker from a distance,

Mine is the one blazing,

as if it is totally and completely

Out of control.  

Author's Note

I've never really put anything like this out into the world before... I hope you like it. It's unedited and completely raw, didn't even read over it properly... I just needed to get it out of my head.

Reviews

[alan peter kelly]

Some unique turns of phrase and surreal imagery that is to die for! :) the compartmentalised structure in months offers clear, linear, forward motion to the story in this write and I particularly recognised and enjoyed the myriad references to self development. The final lines are perfect as sting in the tail and apart from a few superficial and nominal grammatical changes you have a work here for which you can be proud . it held my interest....and I consider myself fortunate to witness the early development of an outstanding wordsmith with considerable potential. I will return anon to read more from you Micaela

[Micaela]

Thank you so much for this nice comment! :) Yes I tried to make it as clear as possible that time was moving on for me and that I was learning as the year goes on! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you! Yes I'm in the process of editing as this was completely raw and unedited when uploaded!
You are a kind person!

[alan peter kelly]

I am an Elder and truly enjoy reading, reviewing, critiquing literature...especially up and comers so I look forward to visiting, reading, reviewing as often as I am able :)

[J.Arthur.B]

I feel is more a story than a poem.

keep working on it, your are right is still raw

regards

[Micaela]

Thanks for the review! Yes I think it could be expanded but I like the narrative this poem took! read moreThanks for the review! Yes I think it could be expanded but I like the narrative this poem took!
I'm in the midst of refining it at the moment! Thanks for the feedback! :D