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The dialogue of one person's troubled dealings with a personality disorder. With that being said, this is NOT a personal account. See the Note for Reviewers for more.

It's nothing you could ever understand.
All this desolation,
this self-detestation.
Trapped inside hell as the living damned,
by your thoughtless rejection,
your false affection.

Scars too deep to see but very much real.
Hidden beneath the skin,
a brutal despair within.
Open your eyes and see the damage I feel.
Wanting to run away,
just to escape from today.

But you don't know because you don't care,
when your world is fine,
the converse of my mind.
I look at you and realize it's not fair.
You aided my collapse,
now innocence is your act.

The abandonment is finally sinking in.
I can't take it any longer,
loneliness never been stronger.
I can't help but let the thinking begin.
When will I not be a waste?
When can my inadequacy be erased?

Author's Note

Just so there's no confusion, the last two lines are NOT a reference to wanting to die, just wanting to finally be able to fit in. I specifically rewrote that part as well as another because a couple months ago I had initially I wrote them as touching on themes of suicide and I felt extremely uncomfortable having done so, which delayed my sharing.

Also – NO, this is not about me AT ALL. I'm literally the opposite of a depressed person. I love my life, and although I'm a far cry from perfect, I try to live my life seizing the day, not dwelling on what's bad.

This is not meant to make fun of anyone, or to make light of personality disorders such as AvPD which it's mostly about. Rather, it's quite the opposite! I wanted to contextually explore that hell all personality disorders really can be as they are such personal, invisible battles.

Finally, I don't really write much that's happy or inspiring, but that's because I let my happy inspirations out through art – poetry has become where I mostly resign my expressions of anything dark and sad to. Please don't think me depressed... I promise I'm not!! I had just done some research on AvPD in particular and was inspired to put some of what I learned into form.

Reviews

[Sierra Nerys]

pft, what are you talking about, you're SO depressed :P

seriously though, mucho bueno. i actually really like this one, like, a lot. not that i don't like your others, but this one in particular might be my favorite. it's really, really good ^_^ its so realistic and with some situations revolving around people we both know lately i find the timing slightly amusing, although i know you wrote it a little bit ago. anyway, EPICAWESOMESAUCEMADEOFUNICORNHORNSANDRAINBOWS (inspiration from operationbeautiful sticky). much love.