The Box

We all need a place for those special things...

The rifle barked, a sparrow fell,

and Tommy quickly feigned farewell;

he dared not dawdle on her watch

and madly whittled out the notch,

then dove amongst the hollyhocks

to fetch the feather for his box,

but Tommy tarried with his prey

before the watcher, Willa Dean Grey.

Ms. Willa knew young Tommy’s mind,

and all too well, the killing kind;

for this, though ruddy red-haired lad,

bore telltale traits of mind gone mad:

inscribing deeds done one by one

with keepsakes kept of each one done;

so oftentimes she bent his ear

but Tommy’s monster wouldn’t hear…

A rifle barked, no sparrow fell,

and Tommy never heard farewell,

though Willa whispered, “so long, son”

while calmly carving on her gun,

and then a tuft of auburn hair

was gently clipped and folded square,

then placed with love amongst those locks

in Willa Dean Grey’s most special box.

　

　

Author's Note

Perhaps 'tis true... the apple falls not far from the tree.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i like how you kept it short...it attacks the reader then reluctantly lets go at the end...but we feel the shots...and are left shaking, glad it wasn't we who were shot.

she won't let him grow up like her. and it starts often with animals or birds...and then moves on to humans.

i like this and will want to read more from you...

this is my favorite genre.

you do it well.

jacob

[Mic]

Hi Jacob, and welcome to my page. I've written rather lengthy ones and do enjoy the genre as well, but fear a strict meter might wear on the reader after a few stanzas. Just thought I'd try something short and see if it might work. May gamble and post a long one soon.

Your analysis of the story is spot on.

Thank you for the wonderful comment as well as your time! I'll come visit your page very soon, Jacob.

[Viv Wade]

Ooh, sinister ending! I enjoyed reading this poem, it has a gripping story, good rhymes, and nice rhythm. Well done!

[Mic]

So glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for your time, Silent!

[Jack...]

Very cool, I liked this from top to bottom. Great story, fantastic rhyme and meter. Nice one.

[Mic]

Thank you for your time reading as well as commenting, Jack.

[Steven]

It's like... Southern Poe. Excellent

[Mic]

Thank you Steven, really enjoy your poetry.

[Angi]

This gave me goosebumps! I wanna see what's in Willa's special box. ...kinda.

[Mic]

Thank you for the visit, Angi!

[Angi]

My pleasure! Just so you know, I really like this. The way it flows and creepily builds, that last part had the hairs standing up on my neck. Love it!

[Tate Morgan]

Beautiful

[Mic]

Thank you Tate, for you time reading as well as commenting.

[Tate Morgan]

I dont absorb things as fast as some i have to read things as my mind settles and sometimes twice

[KAOlmsted]

A lot of times, when poets attempt to tell actual stories, the tempo suffers, and the rhyming seems forced. Not so here. The story was clearly told, the rhythm of the piece flowed naturally, and the rhymes were spot on. Add to that I had chills pretty much through the entire read...exceptionally well done.

-kimmer

[Mic]

Hello kimmer. To be honest, this isn't my favorite rhyme scheme, but was trying to move it along quickly, so there was little room to dally with detail and left it pretty simple.

So glad you got a chill, I think. lol.

Thank you very much for your time... reading as well as the thoughtful comment! I'll be visiting your page.

[SHEEMA HUQ]

a gripping storyline, depicted brilliantly, very well done Mic

[Mic]

You're much too kind, SHEEMA, and I truly appreciate your gift of time. Thank you.

[Samuel Dickens]

Often, it doesn't. In this case, I hope Willa's grim deed saved the world from a killer. Excellent creepy, Halloween-appropriate writing, Mic.

[Mic]

Thank you Sam. Always appreciate your comments. Hope all is well in your part of our great state.

[Aaron]

This poem uses rhyming perfectly.
It has a consistent flow to it.

You wrote a very good poem.
Thanks for sharing!

[Mic]

Thank you Aaron. Wasn't really crazy about the structure of this one, but was aiming for brevity.read moreThank you Aaron. Wasn't really crazy about the structure of this one, but was aiming for brevity.

Thanks again for reading as well as the time spent commenting.