Speechless

Today you floored me and left me speechless.

You have been nothing short of my world for a while never leaving my heart and a constant on my mind.

My mind will never grow cold to you , my mind will never be board of you.. 

I've said noting to no one about our world wind romance because I am so selfish of you.

The world can have all of me as long as it leaves me you.

I don't pretend to know were this is going but you know when we touch sparks fly and symphonies sing.

I dare not to put a label on it 

but you make me a thief so I steal one moment at a time one piece of you at a time so we can do whatever you like 

because with me its about being only with you once the world has done away with me.

Come lay with me.................

Reviews

[CLM]

We can give this better pace by taking out some of the prose elements. Right now it reads as a series of sentences without any pace. So look at the following as suggestions.

"Today you floored me and left me speechless." (Today is irrelevant you get more impact by breaking this into two lines:

You floored me.
You left me speechless

(You see how this gives the beginning some rhythm.)

"You have been nothing short of my world for a while never leaving my heart and a constant on my mind." (This is too long with or without following the above rhythm, so we break it up as follows:

Nothing short of my world
Never leaving my heart
The constant in my mind

(It's easy enough for the reader to assume who you are talking about. You are talking about the "You" in the first two lines.)

Okay, that's enough rewriting what follows are just some observations:

my mind will never be board of you.. (bored not board and never use two dots, if you must use dots and I cannot imagine why a poet would need dots since brevity is already the need, but use three dots ... those are ellipses, telling us you have left something unsaid or something unmentioned btwn words. Hardly something you want to make a habit of in poetry.)

I've said noting to no one about our world wind romance because I am so selfish of you. (whirlwind instead of world wind but this is cliche, again this line must be condensed.)


"The world can have all of me as long as it leaves me you." (If the world has all of you there will be nothing left for the "you")

"I don't pretend to know were this is going but you know when we touch sparks fly and symphonies sing." ( Again condense, you are talking here, also "sparks fly and symphonies sing" is cliched)

"but you make me a thief so I steal one moment at a time one piece of you at a time so we can do whatever you like

because with me its about being only with you once the world has done away with me.

Come lay with me................."

Last three lines: I like the thief motif here but it gets lost in line length. Not crazy about the "world has done away with me," which can be said better language. And the last line: Make the whole poem like this just do away with the dots.

Dont rate poems.

[Miaishia McKenzie]

Thank you. Rewriting tonight. I love the way you completely broke it down for me.