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I often wonder why was I placed here on this earth

I often wonder how can I remove myself from this earth without the threat of losing God’s Grace.

Sometimes I just want to standout side of my self

Sometimes I just want to go away from myself

No, this is not a common thought among the living.

There is most often praise to the lord above for just waking one from its slumber

But here lately I ask at the rise of the sun what I have done to be wakened!

I'm currently drowning in my own existence but no one hears or sees’s my cries

All they see is me as they say Making Moves! But my soul is slowly dying 

At this point I put on this facade for the three that I love and who love me unconditionally

I am simply living to ensure that they are taken care of! If it were not for them then there would be no me

Feeling like I’m in a catch 22 desiring to die but forced to live in fear that the ones I love will be ruined emotionally by the very ones who ruined me! If I leave them behind Despite my many failure’s and flaws they are indeed my greatest assets.

I speak positively and truly try to live by the words that I speak, at often times I see & hear my words healing the hearts of my associates giving inspiration to those who hear my story and watch my flow

But again no one really knows the darkness that is consuming me.

One day of pure relaxation is all I truly need but the devil continuously attacks me to the point that throughout the day it’s often hard for me to breathe! Or to concentrate on mediocre chores you know the ones that you do daily that are mere second nature but due to the fact of me constantly addressing crisis after crisis it kind of hard for me to just simply be.  

My brain is filled to its capacity one more thing and it may explode I’m trying to guard it unlike my heart my brain is my only source of strength, this old heart of mine is currently being held to pieces with tape, glue and string a flimsily fix for such a miraculous thing! Wouldn't you agree?

I've  finally found my purpose well my purpose had already been reviled to me but I've just embraced it even though I've been fulfilling it for years but just did not recognize it for what it was.

I was placed on this earth to be Mother OF DCA ! To give them love before my heart turned cold from all of the hurt and disappointment that was given to me from my early years! The D came just in time because I have no doubt if she would have come just a tad bit later my life would have went a different route!  Currently stuck in an emotional limbo! Between my past & my future Oh God somebody please hear me! SOS

I am the rock for so many but where are they now that my ship is sinking but all they see is my beautiful vibrant sail sticking above water and they marvel but the rest of me is currently sunken under sea! Where were they then when I sunk and had to bring myself back to shore? I restored my ship piece by piece hand crafted a new me. oh how it saddens me that I’m allowing the world to defeat me! I feel defeated but there is a tiny bit of fight but I feel it slowly draining from me

 

I often wonder why I've been place on this earth………………….

I often wonder how I can remove myself from this earth but I do understand why I must stay and keep pushing on despite the attacks from the enemy despite the hurt pain and disappointment by many! I often feel lonely even when there are others around but as it has always been and more than likely always be it is me and I will restore what’s broken this time for good so I don’t have to keep on ……Often wondering ….

I can’t stop I won’t stop living fighting breathing being !