Forgive me

Forgiveness is not my problem

Or maybe it is, but not in the normal sense

 I forgive too much, too easily, too often without accessing the problem

I never think how things must change

 If nothing changes then the need for forgiveness is inevitable

 

I forgave him the first time he cheated

I forgave him all the times after that

I even forgave him when he snuck the mistress in my room

When my mother came home early to surprise him

 

I forgave him for the Pethidine again and again

I forgave him when she got sick and he left me

I forgave him when he did not come back for me

I forgave him for not even thinking about me

 

I forgave him when he took all her money

And did not send any for groceries

I forgave him when my brothers’ friends were doing grocery shopping

Just to keep her alive

 

I forgave him after finding the pictures of his vacation

With his mistress

I forgave him for lying about not being able to come home

I forgave him for letting her die.

 

I forgave him for inviting his mistress to the funeral.

I forgave him for taking such good care of my brother

 After he got the same sickness that killed her

 The care he just did not give to her.

 

I forgave him for bringing his mistress into my mothers’ house

I forgave him for getting his mistress pregnant.

I forgave him for letting his mistress tell me on my birthday

The birthday I shared with my mother

 

I forgave him for making his mistress, his wife.

I even forgave him for never being a father.

 

It’s not that I am tired of forgiving.

 I just realized that the problem was that he was never sorry

 There was never a moment of regret or shame with him

 If he is not sorry, he will do it again

 

 Does that not make me the fool?

 

I just do not give him enough room

To need my forgiveness now

I do not hate him or resent him

 I just do not; when it comes to him...I just do not

I just can't

 

How many times have I heard

 “They can only hurt you as much as you let them”

 How many times have I said it?

 Well it’s true!

 

 Life has given me a choice

My life or my father

And I choose life

 There is just no room for both

I hope he can forgive me

But even if he cannot

 I won’t be around to notice

 

I love him, I was made to

 That comes naturally to me

More naturally then loving myself

But I am learning still

 

 Learning to love him less and love me more

And it will come because I made my choice, the right choice

The only choice...really

Author's Note

I’m not really sure of the rules of poetry, so if this doesn't count as poetry...I apologize. Other than that, i hope you enjoy this. It’s really personal but there's nothing more appropriate than sharing your inner most thoughts with strangers ;)

Reviews

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Mia you do not have rules in prose poetry. It simply has to flow and read well with triggers to enable a reader to relate to it, feel it and get a picture in their head. This is a touching piece and I can relate to it. As I do the same. I always look for the good side of people and forgive the bad side. But recently, for the first time I ended a relationship. It was so hard for me as I feel unworthy and lucky that a woman would want to be with me. Deep psycholocial scars that a Catholic upbringing did not help. So if you can love yourself more gradually you will stop needing to forgive. There is someone out there who WILL value you. Good write!

[Mia]

I'm so relieved to hear that because I'm not really a poet but I really enjoy trying. You would think loving yourself would be easy, but I’ll just keep pretending that I do and eventually I'll start to believe it without feeling like I'm lying to myself. Right? Fingers crossed! I wish you well on your journey of love with yourself. Thank you :) I really appreciate this review and even more than that I appreciate you sharing your insecurities with me. It's comforting to think that I'm not crazy for having my deep emotional scars!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Read my poem 'Masks' Mia. It sets out what happens when we feel isolated and have wenching self doubt. And it is true. Look at your soul and forgive any weakness as it is just human to have such frailty. I am no evangalist before you get the wrong impression. I am simply passionate.

[Reg Deneau]

Loving yourself is very difficult as I well know! Your poem was very touching and showed great progression from beginning to end. I was surprised to see that this was about your father and not a lover!!! You sucked me into thinking it was a lover...great twist! Look forward to reading more...

[Caradoc]

Being the type of person who is slow to anger but long to hold a grudge, I find this baffling. I feel my emotions deeply and you only have to hurt me once with enough strength for me to be done with you. I cannot imagine forgiving and forgiving after every step, every choice they make brings me and those I know pain. I just can't comprehend what that must take, how that's even possible.

I am not a very forgiving person. I remember old hurts and use those scars as reminders to never let myself endure such a situation again. God forbid a family member should ever behave this way...I am vengeful. I would deliberately make their life hell. And this...this poem hits very close to home. A family member has a problem in a slightly similar vein to this pain...and I wish with the fury of an earthquake that I could give that person back tenfold the hurt they've inflicted...

But this poem, as John said, this poetic prose is really good. It tells a remarkably painful story. You wrote it honestly, with simplicity and that makes it all the more emotional. The final stanza reminds me of the song "Paid In Full" by the group Sonata Arctica.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish peace on you, a soothing balm for your heart, and a swiftness to the pace with which you learn to love yourself as you deserve.

-Caradoc

[Mia]

This was certainly not what I expected but it’s very welcomed! Thank you so much for taking the time, not just to read this, but to think about it and share a bit of you with me. Forgiveness is such a tricky thing. My brother is similar to you. Comparing the two of us, I’d say I am less scared than he is because I was able to forgive. On the other hand he moved on a lot sooner and there was less forgiving that was required in his case. It’s a catch 22. Your kind wishes are treasured and much appreciated!

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome. Be well.

[Coyote Poetry]

"Learning to love him less and love me more
And it will come because I made my choice, the right choice
The only choice...really"
In the end. The demon paid the price. When someone loved you and you leave them with pain. All things fall even in the end. I know. I like the flow of thoughts and the strong ending. Loving is good. Forgiveness is good. Escaping a bad person is necessary. Thank you for the outstanding poem.
Coyote

[Mia]

"Escaping a bad person is necessary" I couldn't agree with you more.
Thank you for your time, I appreciate it!

[Antonio Valentino]

life can be pretty horrible sometimes and almost always confusing... your honesty in this piece is what stuck out the most, that is something those who cant forgive never really learn.. it takes a giving heart to share what most of us hold inside, safe and private.. I'm blessed your my friend Mia.. yes, sometimes its not even a choice anymore is it

stay true and lovely dear poet this was that gentle arm holding close those who needed to hear this the most..

:)

:)

[Mia]

This was such a lovely review that I'm willing to forgive you for completely ignoring me :) Thank you Antonio, your kind words warmed my heart! :D

[Joe Morris]

Don't worry about rules, there are none! A touching piece that we can all relate to, I especially was touched by the line "I never think how things must change" as human beings we are all against this and we can become our own worst enemies. Brilliant piece, well done :)

[Mia]

Thank you! And thanks for taking the time to read and review this...I appreciate it!

[Mia M.]

This was really touching,and very good. Keep writing.:)

[Mia]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review this...it is much appreciated.

[Priscilla Sayers]

Being forgiving never makes you a fool. Those incapable to have such a gift, those are the fools... The fools of pride. It only makes the soul toxic.... Yours is pure.

[Mia]

That is such a wonderful thing to say, thank you...that means a lot to me.

[Priscilla Sayers]

All my heart dear poet!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Well said Priscilla!

[Priscilla Sayers]

Thank John.. Just love my sweet Mia!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Then let us protect one anothers hearts and cleanse one anothers souls with love.

[Mia]

I definitely feel the love!

[Priscilla Sayers]

Good Sweet Beautiful Mia! You deserve it!
XOXO!

[Pax]

it's a narrative free-verse poem, this is brilliant I really thought it was about your lover, but then as the end gets nearer it becomes clear who it is.
It's a poem because i think it relays a message a about love, forgiveness and choice.
Great!

[Mia]

Thanks :) I wrote this a couple of days ago but didn't post it because I was worried that it wasn't a poem then I just got over it, because it really isn't the end of the world if I classified it wrong. Thanks for clearing that up for me and for your kind words :)

[Pax]

it's always my pleasure to help and your very much welcome.