Day 1: Doing something about it...

A Chapter by Mgfos2

This chapter goes into one of my personal struggles in relationships and my plan of action to do something about it.

Today I experienced the consequence of my reckless behavior yesterday. even though my intentions were good I inevitably and unintentionally upset my girl's mother with inability to be on time. In my mind time is irrelevant as long as I'm not too late. However, my nonchalant and lack of worry behavior has upset many people in the past whether it is with my past girlfriends, my mom, brothers, sisters, close friends, and others expectant of a more punctual attitude. As I recall many of these events where my punctuality was called into question, people brought it to my attention which usually resulted in expressing how dissappointed or hurt they were about the situation. When faced with this I would usually feel ashamed, and embarrsed as if I was a failure in life. However, as time passed on I would soon forget those feelings and go back to my care-free attitude, hence never dealing with this problem which would result in me repeating this same mistake, with the same results over and over again. When this same problem happened again yesterday (which has been ocurring habitually in this relationship) I was faced with a possible reality that this problem would potentially end the relationship. And the truth of the matter is that I really love my girl, but this problem that I didn't really fully address kept reoccuring and definitely brought into question of how much I loved her. Faced with this fact, I had to examine myself and take into consideration the effect my behavior is having on her and ultimately our relationship. However, when faced with this reality I was once again revisted by the emotions of my past and I was afraid of being alone because of my reckless behavior and I had no way of fixing it. In the past I would turn to God during these situations and I would turn to him with desperation and guilt in almost a schizophrenia of insecurites that consumed my heart and plaugued my mind. Today was no exception, I was scared, I was so scared of the potential consequences of my behavior because it was my fault and I don't know what to do about it. But as I was beginning to be consumed with my worries I remembered my emergency contact list that the church gave to me in case of such situations should arise. So I referred to my contact in case of worry and I called on Matthew 6:19-34 which refers to the faithfulness of God who provides, and calls us not to worry. As I meditated on this, I began to shift my focus off of my worldly matters and began to seek God and His love. As I was doing this a verse came into my mind, a verse that Jesus said "I am the good sheppard." I began to imagine Jesus tending to me as if I were a lamb, spending time with me, loving me with sacrificial love even as I went astray. I began to see God's unchanging love, His anger, His wrath along with His grace and mercy. As I began to see this I also saw Jesus as He sought me when I strayed and fell in the canyons of the wayward valley how He stayed with me amidst my journey back to the green pastures. As I envisioned this tears welled up in my eyes as I imagined my Lord's intimate love. Thank You Jesus

I read: John 10:10-18 powerful verses as Jesus proclaims His love and authority.

As I lifted my mind to Christ, He gave me peace and reassurance. Surely, later on as I talked to my girl's mom and apologized to her, she assured me that she was no longer upset with me and that everything was good now. However, even though things were currently better, in my heart I knew that I was destined to repeat this same mistake again if I don't do anthing about this now. Jesus said "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." and honestly I knew that even though I loved God, my priorities showed otherwise. If I was going to begin to deal with this problem I would first have to get some things back in order and God has to be first. In retrospect, one of the root causes for my lack of punctuality was the fact that I tried to fit everybody in my schedule to please them in order to make everybody happy, when in actuality I was hurting a lot of those who were closest to me. In Galatians 1:10 "For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God?" So as a result I am putting forth a physical written plan of my priorities and how my promises correlate according to my priorites.

next chapter