Sometimes...

When I'm close sometimes I wish for distance

When I chose sometimes I change my mind

Sometimes I don't want to be yours and feel embarrassed and shame to admit it

Sometimes I wish to have different parents

When I see your weakness and our limits I gag

I don't brag about your faults and or accept what I don't want to hear

Man when you're wrong and your life doesn't agree with what I believe to me you are a fool

I'm better than you and I exalt my life over yours, shake my head and judge you even before you speak with me

If you don't like me so what, but if I care I'll look to please you

If you reject me I will run and stuff deep down within me and let it come out with anger and depression aimed at you, me, friends, situations

I will lie and blame you because I am ashamed of what I've done

You see me smile but I'm scared that you see my depression

I feel akward when I'm down and don't express it outside my head

When I let it get to me I feel like I never derserve to be happy outside the boundaries that my past hurts put before me

I'll down myself like medicine but that all that does is cover the pain with a surface level satisfaction, but my heart is not cured

Sometimes letting people down is all I can do to make others happy

My balance is impossible and my arms are still reaching to hug an unsatisfied world

I don't like you if I can't please you, if I can't make you happy

If you won't like me I don't know what I'll do

Sometimes its hard to face those realities if not being liked by everyone or admitting to the fact that I am a people pleaser I want everybody to like me, who wouldn't like me, to me I a really great guy.

But sometimes situations bring out the ugly in me that I hate that part of me that is apart of me and because its apart of me I'm miserable because I don't want to except it

I don't want to let people go because I feel they won't like me that they will think I'm this fool, this misguided person, this fool.

I'm worried about what people think of me and I have a hard time admitting that to myself let alone any one else.

Why?

I don't want to admit because I think people will think I'm weird and strange and that they will ostrasize me and ridicule me and make jokes behind my back like those days that I've never really left behind me

Its like those days orchastrate my steps and my decisions because those days were horrible to me to my mind to my psyche I never want to make that mistake again, that mistake of being myself and letting myself show unbarred unfiltered because if I do I know they will say things behind my back and I never want to vulnerable in that position ever again

Dad, what a feeling it is when you feel confident in yourself and realize that you're a fool, realize that you open this pandora's box of emotions and responses and miserability.

I hate making the same mistake twice more specifically I hate being ostracized for being different, for being difficult, for being smelly, for being me, I hate it so much I'm scared of it, so I avoid by being the exact opposite and I become very sensitive to noses and stares and facial expressions and I stiffen my back as if to blind my blind side.

I'm scared to accept the compliments fully of what my self image is I'm scared that its not true I'm scared to step out there sometimes and just let me come pouring out full strength full blast, full everything.

Father, I want to be me and explode it into the world into everything, just let it alllllllll out everything about me

Sometimes I feel this thing within me that I feel is just waiting to come out just so strong so forceful like a beast like aggression like the pumping of all this testosterone of beast like man I want roar like a lion in the jungle I want to do this feat, this time, this now, this thing I can't describe I want to let it alllllll to be known and I don't know what it is Fahter, Father I have it deep in my soul deeeeep its a passion that goes beyond my understanding its something that I want out I want to throw it up with a loud yell flexin everything in my being just COmpleting feel this feeling Father, its great its hope for me, its that feeling that I'm going to be somebody, its that feeling that you Glory will be revealed, its that feeling that my brother will be saved, my family will find peace, my people closest to me will come up to me one day and say Micah I want to be a Christian, that feeling that my girl can encourage me to be a stronger Christian and find this hope this power, this glory this feeling this presence in her life. Father this feeling has always been down in the core of my being this hope you have given me this promise that Jesus is Lord, that he is coming back and that this truth is my sword my shield, my light, my Love, my heart, my soul, my gift to the world. Dad just continue to guide me because at times I'm sad, at times I'm depressed, at times I frustrated, at times I'm confused and life gives me days that I don't want to handle. Dad, your love is apparent and your Love is something I believe in Dad, I don't care what anyone says but I really Love You Dad, we've been seperated and I've turned down paths with my back to you but you still saw you still guided and you still Loved me. I've still got issues that I want to resolve with you and myself Father, but I'm in this program you see and it here to make me a better man a godly man Father and its been hard, and I'm sure that its gonna get tougher but my eye is on You Father you have a way and I believe in your way Dad.

And you believe in me too Dad even when I doubt you... sometimes

 

Reviews

[closed]

This is the most beautiful heartfelt thing that I have ever read. God hears your prayers, your words Micah and he loves you. He's here in this program with you, so you never have to do it alone. I see now that we must be more similliar in thought and essence, in sheer psychological structure than I would ever have believed. You are truly an intellectual, and you owe it to yourself to continue to explore this side of you, to continue to develop your relationship with Jesus as well. Let him see you through all of your struggles, all of your difficulties. And you'll never have to fear anything or anyone, not even yourself, ever again.

-shaun