Yes and its Final

Standing on your boundaries and principles, can be difficult for some but there is a moment in time where you have to stand or let have your personal space invaded.

Growing up I was outspoken and not afraid to speak up. I was compelled to speak the truth and call things out and not bite my tongue. Somewhere down the line that part of me started to fade away.

Why?...

There is one thing that I can identify as a causing factor.

I can say that speaking your mind is liberating but can also be a double edged sword, causing wounds to wielder as well as his or her adversary.

I wielded that sword with reckless abandon, it didn't matter how anyone but if I had the urge to speak then I would speak. If I saw an inconsistency I would call it out. I guess you could say I was somewhat self-righteous. I soon learned that that rubs people the wrong way and pretty soon I was making enemies of everyone. Then I became alienated and ostracized from my peers. However, that wasn't enough for me to acknowledge that I was pushing others away with my mouth. 

When I reflect on this I think about my childhood leading up to that point. It was a pretty interesting progression. When I was younger I was a happy go lucky person easy going and friendly. However, there was a time when I was in the first grade when I started to compare myself to others specifically from an intellectual standpoint. I found it difficult doing simple addition and I noticed one of my peer was able to get it easily her name was Ariel. I saw how my teacher Mr. Bill taught math and it didn't make sense to me how he was getting the answer. I could add numbers with using my fingers but pretty soon I realized with the various math problems that I didn't have enough fingers to find my answers. I felt dejected and depressed and I went home to my Dad and told him how I felt stupid in class and I couldn't get it like my peer Ariel. Not too long afterwards, on a fateful day my Dad came up to my school and said we were leaving. I was confused. What do you mean we are leaving? My Dad had a disagreement with my older brother Adam's teacher Mrs. Coleman and it escalated to the point where my Dad felt the need to withdraw us from the Magnet Arts school. Next thing you know we were driving home never to be back at the school. Looking at it from hindsight, was that escalation really necessary? I can only imagine how mom felt. I felt uncomfortable to be honest but this awkwardness was something that I accepted as my family life. The next year would include my brother and I being homeschooled by my Dad. What did that mean? Practicing math of course. Pretty soon the same math that I felt stupid at doing, became second nature for me. I got so good at it that when I tested I was at the 99 percentile of my peers in math. No way!! I went from being bottom rung to the 99 percentile. I felt smart and when we went back to school next year, it showed. I was getting straight A's and being touted as the smart guy in class.

If you can imagine what it's like to have a kid that is outspoken who now has intellectual confidence usually is a great combination in an individual. However, this newfound confidence turned to audacity which then led to eventually becoming arrogance...

Fast-forward to my state of estrangement amongst my peers.

One thing about being smart, is that in order for it to mean anything, you have to keep it up to date, just like fashion trends. Otherwise you will be left behind by your peers. Your mind is like fashion trends you have to keep it up to date in order to keep up with your peers. The accolades of yesteryear pretty soon faded away as I found myself in this new environment trying to relive those moment from my previous school. Ironically, things went almost full circle as I once again felt like the dumb kid in class. Crazy huh? However, there was a caveat to this situation. It was a different time and I was no longer that child but I was adolescent who at this time was experiencing puberty.

When puberty hits you, its affects vary from person to person. For me it hit like a ton of bricks, and my hormones were wild especially in the region of my armpits. I wasn't really aware of personal hygiene and the way I was raised we didn't often take showers except for one day a week. I thought that was normal. I pretty soon found out that that was strange when I disclosed that to my peers who at once jeered me and derided me for being dirty and nasty. In fact, I had a nickname during school it was skunk. It was embarrassing to say the least. On top of that my ostracism was further fueled by my lack of social skills. The other half of the equation apart from having bad hygiene was I didn't have opportunities to hang out or socialize with people after or before school. When I tried to relate with my peers they looked at me as if I was an alien. I couldn't tell my parent about this because they were largely unavailable and when they did intervene it was for a short stint and then they would disappear once again to their careers and things would only get worse.

I will say this, no matter how strong or outspoken you are this eventually takes a toll on you and you start believing that maybe there is something wrong with you. The truth was there was something wrong, but there wasn't anyone to talk to about it and no where I felt I could turn to for help. As a result my voice began to quiet and my confidence dwindled away and the candle was snuffed out.

Where was my hope?

My boundaries had the diameter of an ant, and anyone could step all over me because I felt like I wasn't worthy of my place in this world.