The Old Joke

Perhaps too true for some people, myself included

The Old Joke

 

            An alcoholic walks into a bar. He sees his ex-wife there, flirting with other men, showing that she can do better than him. He sees her gaining custody of the kids. He sees them growing to hate him, as though with each drink he’d watered them to that end. He sees his friends parting, some staying for another round, others heading out with awkward smiles, already pensive. He sees his former self, laughing a bit too loudly when the music takes a break and heads turn to see what’s so funny. In short, his life passes before his eyes, not flashing, but dwindling like a fluorescent light in a hospital he hasn't seen yet.

            He also sees the life in the clinking of drinks and friends reunited. He sees the romances that never would have happened had he left before last call, and the way that the music still plays as the sleepy eyes of couples make an effort to catch each other, lest their smiles should droop too, and then their love.

            He grabs a seat at the bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be, Jake?”

            Jake counts his cash, and stashes what he doesn’t need in his pocket.

            “How bout a dark and stormy, Jake,” the man responds, and the two Jake’s smile at the old joke that isn’t really a joke.

            Bartender Jake says, “I’ve got a new one,” as he passes Jake his drink.

            “What’s that?” Jake asks.

            “A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. They begin playing a game of quarters. After a while, the game gets more and more heated, until they’re both at each others throats. They begin tussling at each others’ holy clothes and slapping each others’ bald spots and whatnot, and the bartender asks, ‘Hey what’s the big idea?’ and they both say, ‘That’s what were arguing about.”

            “That’s a pretty good one,” Jake says, and the bartender accepts the compliment in lieu of a tip.

            So it goes. Jake continues to drink, and the bartender tells him jokes, and Jake pays him what compliments he can. And at the end of the night Bartender Jake walks Alcoholic Jake to his crumbly brick apartment, one Jake hanging on or falling off of the other, and Bartender Jake says,

            “Y’know Jake, if you ever need help I’m here for you.”

            Alcoholic Jake is touched, and he says

            “Why do you think I'm always at the bar?”

Author's Note

It's been a while, But I'll definitely check out the work of anyone who comments.

Reviews

[Mockingbird]

excellent irony. sometimes the bartender does help a person by being there to listen to their problems...and since jake's life sucks he goes to see the bartender to get his mind off his problems. a little confusing.

[Epipsychologist]

Thanks Mockingbird.

I had a hard time with the last line, actually, and I think that may be where much of the confusion comes from. It was meant to epitomize the idea of drinking to treat a drinking problem, or joking to solve a drinking problem. A lot of alcoholics joke about drinking, in my experiences. Sometimes it's funny, but it's always a little sad, if the problem is serious.

[nostal]

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
On a more serious notes, I like the spare writing.

[Epipsychologist]

Thanks Christoph,
I wanted to write something short enough that people would see the whole thing on the page.

[Pax]

the ending really made me smile, though i felt its a sad case for Jake the alcoholic, while Jake the bartender seems really a good guy... I think Jake the alcoholic is just being witty, on the ending, he really needs help without the alcohol... :) I really do enjoyed the story my friend, its good to read from you again... you have a very clever plot in here... good job!

[Epipsychologist]

Thanks Pax. Plot is the main thing I was going for, and trying to put a twist on the old "a man walks into a bar" formula.

[Marie]

I haven't seen your work in a long time. I thought you closed out your profile. Anyway, I'm glad to see you on here again. I'm not sure what this story means...doesn't make me feel happy or sad or, really, confused...

[Epipsychologist]

Hey Marie,
Sorry for taking so long to respond to this. I'm glad to see you again too.

Regarding this story, your reaction here is pretty typical of the responses I get when I show people it. I think it can be read either from a humorist perspective, or from a sympathetic perspective, like a lot of things in life. i hope that the ambivalence doesn't take away from its effect as a story. I didn't mean for it to be read one way or the other, but in a few different ways. For instance, the "old joke" could be "old Jake," or the inside joke's between the two Jakes, or the formulaic "a man walks into a bar" joke, or Jake's way of laughing at his problems instead of solving them (in fairness to old Jake, I imagined him way past the point of redemption. He is currently coasting out his life in the beers placed on bar coasters).

[Silent_Wolf]

Cool story. It kinda makes me feel... I dunno. Sad? Happy? Confused (yes)? Can't tell. Alcoholic Jake doesn't seem all that bad, I wonder why his kids would hate him?

[Epipsychologist]

Thanks, I kind of wanted this story to be a little bit merry and a little bit sad. The old joke is a bunch of things, it's the old man (I need to better convey that Jake is old now), it's the bar joke, it's the way he laughs at his problem. The point is that the joke gets old, and when it does it isn't as funny, and that's what's sad.
I don't know how to make it sound like Jake's kids should hate him. I want him to be a likeable pathetic character, but I also want it to be understandable that he's broken a few good hearts and wasted his life in selfish escapism.