Winter Wonderland One-Shot

This is a random one-shot I wrote based on a picture I was given in my afterschool activity group, known as Ink Bandits at my school, and I figured I'd put it up because it's different from what I normally write. Hope you enjoy, and please tell me what yo

As we walked down the twisting pathway in the park, I looked around, taking in every aspect. My niece, who walked next to me was smiling, jumping in her mothers footsteps left in the snow that crunched underfoot. I loved the first snow of the season. It always smelt crisp and our breaths always lingered in the air for a moment before fading.

 

“Look mommy,” she said. “I’m a dragon.”

 

My sister smiled, along with the rest of us in the group. I remember when I was her age; I would always do the same thing. We all looked up as a few birds landed on a branch, soft cooing sounds escaping their beaks as they tilted their heads from one side to another, making the snow fall to the ground. There was a solid thump as the snow collided with the ground, throwing up a small cloud of the light snow that rested on the frozen.

 

“How about you make a snow angel,” I suggested.

 

“Only if you make one,” my niece said as she grabbed my hand.

 

I allowed her to pull me off the path and under a large tree, the branches going in every direction possible, covered in snow here and there. As we laid in the snow and made ourselves a snow angel, the others were watching, smiling, before they decided it was time to carry on.

 

“But I want to stay here,” my niece said as her smile turned into a pout.

 

“Come on,” I said as I brushed the snow off of us. “There’s hot chocolate waiting for us back at the house."

 

Her smile returned in an instant and she grabbed my hand again, pulling me towards the rest of the family.

 

“What are we waiting for,” she exclaimed. “There’s hot chocolate!”

 

We all laughed as she started to run down the path, us jogging after her. The first snow of the seasons was great, but so was a large cup of hot chocolate, maybe with a marshmallow or two.

Reviews

[Alextheperson]

I for one am a huge advocate of stream-of-consciousness creative writing, and I am assuming that "one-shot" is some bastardization of the technique. The imagery used in this piece definitely works - I had no problems envisioning a snow-covered park.

My only suggestion is purely grammatical. The beginning of the second line reads, "My niece, who walking next to me was smiling," doesn't flow too terribly well - I had to read it a few times to figure out if the word order was intentional, or simply something written in passing. Other than that, this is a good, solid stream-of-consciousness piece.

[deeps]

This is a very wonderful story here.
I like it everything held together well.
Just flows down the page.
You seem very talented.

[Anna]

Nice write! My niece is just like this. =] they're fun!

I don't like the "The End" to pulls away from your writing. Conclusions are needed, but don't use "The End."
Your writing will speak for itself when it's at the end.

[Autumn Rose]

This is wonderful, you show a great talent for writing.
The story itself is cute.