My Sterilization and Restoration

This is a part of my life, that I rarely share, and when I have I do not do so lightly. During my downfall, after giving birth to my only child, due to the circumstances ect..I was sterilized.

      The event of giving birth, is something that most little girls, look forward to experimenting, once they have passed through puberty and are moving into their young adulthood lives.

       This in itself, is both a blessing and a curse, due to the pain, and risk, that a woman can go through, during labor and even throughout the pregnancy.  Many women have given their lives, in order to save that of their unborn child.  Others end up losing their lives, upon giving birth, due to complications and so forth.

 Yet, in the end, some would be willing to go through anything in order to bring a new life, into this world.  Now, at this time, I am not going to debate about the rights of a women or the such, as that is a total different topic in itself.

        I have somewhat touched bases on the fact, that my pregnancy was anything from normal, as I kept my pregnancy hidden from my parents, up until I was eight and a half months pregnant.  That in itself was a great achievement, in some extent, of course one that I am not proud of having accomplished yet managed somehow.  So, my parents never noticed or were able to catch early signs of my pregnancy, due to the fact, that my mother never experimented herself, a pregnancy, as she could not get pregnant.  And somehow, in my case, this was somewhat useful, as I was able to pass up my pregnancy to the fact of my being chubby, and pretending that I was gaining weight.

      Of course many must wonder, why even hide the fact that I was pregnant, right?  And I agree. Normally a married woman that finds out she is pregnant, would want everyone to know, but most importantly her husband.  I was not married, and I did not love the man, that helped me become pregnant and I made myself very clear to him, and he accepted my terms. When I met him, all I had wanted was to experiment, sex.  Not making love or being loved, simply sex.  After much unwanted sexual attention and abuse from my dad and other men, I got to the point of asking myself, What is the big deal, about sex, that everyone is doing it?  I was made fun of, for being virgin, but I did not really care.  
       In the end, I got tired of the unwanted attention, and decided to do things my way. I put out the word at school, as I was finishing up high school in the year, 2000.  I was 20 years old.  And made it clear, that all I needed was any guy that was willing to hit the sack, and nothing more.  After a couple of weeks later, a guy came up and told me of a friend he had that was not in our school, but that was interested wanted to meet me, and I agreed.

        He was not handsome by any means, nor ugly, just plain and simple.  And I made sure he agreed to all my terms and he conceded. We met over a period of 3 months, 3 times a month, if anything.  Normally we would go to a corn field or coffee plantation. Yep, out there in the open.  Once we broke into this new development, and got into a partially built house, and nothing fancier after that.  He always tried his best to get my attention, but I confess, to simply giving him my body and nothing more. I would shut my heart up and go inside my head to a safe place, in which, I would not allow myself to feel a thing.  And he would grow frustrated at times, so I started to pretend, but during each exchange, I never felt a thing. And he would be left panting and covered in sweat, while, I was cool and bored.  During the last few times that I saw him, he started growing a tad weary and told me that if i would love him, he would marry me, but I did not want any of that.  So out of the blue, one day, he asked, what I would do if I ever got pregnant?  And I did not hesitate to tell him that I would go through with the pregnancy and do my best to raise the child, be it girl or boy.  And he smiled and said, that if that ever did happen, for me to keep his child, as I would be able to give him or her a good life and much better one than he ever could.   And the last day, we ever met, he was acting up, and all weird. I begged him to tell me, if anything was wrong, and finally he stated that he was being accused of having raped a 12 year old girl, from his community and he was hiding away from the police. I asked if he was guilty and he said no, yet he was still hiding.  I did not like his response and due to my background, that made me become wary of him. Eventually, at that time, I was finishing up my ovulation period, and knew that I was about to start bleeding, so in the end, I had told him that we could not do a thing. Yet, somehow, and in some way, I wondered if this could allow me to get pregnant and gave it a shot. So I told him to be quick about it, and he was quick.  After that, I got home and waited to see what would happen. 

    Now, part of me, wanted this pregnancy, because I thought that by having a baby, it would keep my dad away from me, whenever he got physical.  And another part was like, not wanting anything to happen, as I had been planning to commit suicide, once and for all, as I was going through a dark period in my life.  So thing is, next day I woke up, and felt something different. I cannot put it in words, but somehow deep, within, I knew that I was indeed pregnant. Yet, I waited a couple of more days before being sure.  After 5 days passed and no period came, than I knew, and no I never took any type of test at all.  Eventually by the end of 10 days, I started feeling my breasts become more tender, and my belly got warm.  I started yearning for snacks and fruits and started eating more than I normally did.  My body took care of its own self, as the pregnancy continued advancing, and I always made sure to wear loose t shirts around the house.  Now, the main reason I hid my pregnancy was more due to my dad and mom, being in that same mind, that having a baby outside of marriage was a sin.  And having sex without marriage was also a sin. I knew what I had done in itself was wrong, and I knew from experience, that neither would take the news lightly, in regards to my being pregnant.  So, I made a deal with God, and asked that in His mercy to keep my parents from knowing, and I would figure out how to tell them when the time came.

       God kept me from being found out, up until a month before I was actually due.  Now, at this time, my faith was tested in many ways, and thought I believed in God, I still felt that I was such a ruthless and evil woman, that He would never accept me in any way.  And I pretty much figured that He like my dad, would not see this lightly and would want to kill me.  So I pleaded to Him, to not let my baby be harmed as she grew, within my body.  At school, everyone knew I was pregnant by the time I was 3 months along, yet no one, not even my teachers ever said a word to my parents.

         And in the end, during this whole time, I was overjoyed in secret, about becoming a mother, and at the same time I was scared to death, since I had no way of having any type of baby shower, without my parents consent, and was not sure who I could trust or not with this secret, that starting weighing me, down, as I neared my 6 month mark.  I ended up confiding in my brothers girlfriend, at that time, and a cousin and his girlfriend.  In the end, my brothers girlfriend, tried telling my brother that I was pregnant, so he could tell my parents, luckily he did not believe her. My cousin and his girlfriend turned out to be a huge blessing towards my daughter once she was born.

            I suffered most effects that women face, upon becoming pregnant.  And luckily I was nauseated for a week, in which, I threw up for exactly 5 days, in the mornings and afternoons.  A lady that was there at this time, helping out with my moms own mother, whom was being cared for at that time, knew I was pregnant too.  And she ended telling my mom that I had been throwing up all week, and my mom asked if I was ok, and I told her that I was.  Eventually I pleaded with God to help me, and my mom had said that if I kept on throwing up, she would take me to the doctor.  Once I managed to control this, I would get nauseated with different smells, and taught myself to keep myself under control, and not lose my cool.  It was not easy, and the pregnancy in itself, was not hard, really, just hiding it was the one thing, that kept on causing me to be very anxious and stressed.  I did not get any type of prenatal care and did my best to eat, fruits and veggies and keep myself hydrated.  In the end, I graduated high school at 6 months pregnant, and went to my graduation party later on that night.  One thing I did forget to mention, was that by the time I was 4 months pregnant, one day at the school, a group of 7th and 8th grade girls came up to me and offered me abortive medication.  I have no idea how they got hold of such a thing, but they told me that in order to take care of my problem, I could choose from any of the things they had, for free.  I looked at them in shock and told them that I had no intention of ending my pregnancy, much less killing my baby girl.  And they looked at me, as if I was crazy and I them.  The reason, I knew I was having a girl, was because my math teacher, told me, that his wife only gave him girls, and that my belly resembled hers, when she would be pregnant.  So I took him to his word and never doubted him.  I never saw my daughters father during this time, as he eventually was caught and condemned for 6 months to spend in jail, as he was found guilty and the girl had his son in September of the year 2000.  

                Eventually, as my due date grew near, my belly started hardening, and I was unsure on how to tell my parents, that I was about to have my baby girl.  At the beginning of 2001, both in January and February, I lived through to earthquakes.  And just to make it clear, in order for you to get a better understanding. I was born in El Salvador, in Central America, and my parents adopted me at the age of 3 months old, and took me to the states, legally, by the time I was a 7 month old baby.  Both parents were born and raised in El Salvador, and they migrated to the U.S. legally as well.  I lived in Virginia the first 14 1/2 years of my life before my parents decided to come back to Central America and be near their parents and family.  So during my pregnancy, I was still living in Central America, but am a legal, U.S. Citizen and as I am and was single at the time of my daughters birth, she was able to gain U.S. Citizenship, upon birth, and born abroad.**

              Anyways, going back to my story, my due date was in April, and I knew this based on when I conceived my daughter and not based on any tests.  So I was trying to figure out how to let my parents know, but kept on running out of ideas. Eventually the day came, in which, all was let loose. And an aunt, that is no longer alive, was the one, to discover my state and she told my mom.  See, they were going out to church, that day, and my aunt, had suspected a while back, being she was a medical doctor. She approached my person and touched my belly and could feel how hard and round it was.   So, my poor mother came out, looking mad and hurt and asked if I had gained weight or if it was something else.  My heart was hammering so hard against my chest, and I was so tense, that even my daughter was scrunched up, inside.  I told her it was something more and she would talk to me, once she got back from church.  She had the maid hide the keys, and I laughed. I had no where to go to, and I did not love the guy, and would never go to him, but she had no clue.  Once she came home, we went to the computer room, and we sat down.  She looked at me, and asked that I tell her everything.

                I told her most, but never told her the name or where my childs father lived or was at that time.  I reassured her, that no male cousin was involved and in the end, she asked how long before I gave birth and well, she almost fainted.  She than stated that I had to go and face my dad, who had no idea and I thought I was going to faint.  I knew my mom was one thing but my dad, well he would be much worse.  So in the end, I knew he would kick me out, and at that time, I started packing a bag and was going to go to an aunts home, which I could have stayed at, yet in the end, my mom, went and talked to my dad herself.  I sat quietly in my room, awaiting my fate. She came back and told me, that if I ever ran into my father, he would kill me, so I was to be kept away from him at all costs.  And she told me that I was not allowed to leave the house much less my room without her consent.  And she locked me in.  So I was confined to my room for a week or so, before being sent away to one of her sisters home, for two full weeks.  And before I headed out to my aunts place, I would starve myself in order to wait, till my dad fell asleep to sneak downstairs and eat what I could. The helping lady took pity and would sneak fruit and juices to me, in secret.  At other times I would sneak downstairs, if my father left the house, eat and stay in my grandmothers room.  Once I was taken to my aunts place, she got into contact with a Gynecologist, who saw me and confirmed the baby was a girl, and asked if I knew and I was like yes I did.  She treated me very strangely, and she said I was over due. But I was not and this I knew.  My aunt asked if there was a way, to stop me from getting pregnant ever again, and the doctor told her that there was  a way, but she would need my moms consent to lie, and state that I was a very mentally ill young lady that had been raped and had no clue on how to take care of herself.  I was changing when I overheard this exchange and could not believe what I was hearing.  And I knew my mom would not hesitate to concede as she was really mad and hurt.

    Eventually the doctor stated I was anemic as well, and I was given vitamins and supplements to help with that.  Well, I was relieved that my parents knew, but now, I was being shamed and punished for a crime, of having shamed the family name.  And I had no one to turn to, but God.  I begged Him to spare my child of any harm and punish me if He must, for I knew I had sinned against Him, and the last days prior to the birth of my child, I lived in constant fear, anxiety and stress.  I lost weight ,and would not feel at peace eating anymore.  And I was kept from being seen by anyone be it a friend or family relative.  

       In the midst of all this, I would love on my baby, in secret and put music for her, and tell her how much I loved her, and could not wait to meet her, but I still had no clothes or diapers or any clue on how to get the essential things for a baby, cause asking my parents was out of the picture, and at this time, I was not working as of yet, and trying to figure out what to do in life.  Eventually a couple of days before she was born, my cousin came through with bottles, diapers, shampoo, and the basic things to have for a newborn baby.  My brother only got me a one piece onesie, and that was it.  On the day that my contractions started, I had an aunt with me, in my room, as she was trying to help aide, in getting my parents more my mom, to accept me with a child, since my mother was never pregnant. I never asked her but I think, that some part of her, felt jealous, that I was able to conceive so easily when she had tried many times, before being told that she could not hold a baby in her womb.

         Well, up to this point, my pregnancy was far from normal, as you can see.  And there was no official announcement made, no baby shower, no congratulations, just insults, pity and sadness.   My daughter should have been born on the 25th of April, yet, in the end, I got to the point that I could not take it anymore, and asked God to speed things along. So on the 21st of April of 2001, I started my contractions which lasted over 32 hours in total, and she came into this world on the 23rd of April of 2001 at 1:25am, weighing six pounds and 10 ounces.  She was 30 centimeters long.  All in all, she was as healthy as could be, with natural rosy cheeks, and a bluff of black hair on her head.  She was born in a public hospital, in which, my labor and delivery were anything but horrid.  They injected me with that medication, to make the contractions harder, and luckily, I had been warned, beforehand that in no way should I cry, scream, yell, or complain about pain or anything, because if I did, the nurses would taunt me and bully me.  Once my labor was advanced, I was moved into this room, in which an older lady of about 40 something years was having her 4th baby, and a teenage girl of no more than 15 years old, was also in labor.

                I was in pain, believe me I was, but I forced my mouth shut and would swallow back my yells, and hold my breath a lot.  The poor girl, was crying out in pain, and calling out for her Mamma, while the nurses laughed and told her, she had no right to call for her mom, when she was crying out in pleasure while having sex, with her man.  I felt so horrid and sad. The older woman, was screaming all she could, with each contraction, and they told her to shut up and close up her factory if she did not want to go through labor ever again.  Eventually, one nurse, pointed out that I was the only patient, that had been behaving herself, and told them both to be more like me. I was quiet and poised and not causing a scene.  And I almost lost it right then, and tears started falling out, as I quietly cried out to God asking to forgive me, once again, and for my parents to somehow forgive me, as well.

             Now, if you recall, I did mention that my aunt and the gynecologist that saw me, had worked out a plan, which my mother agreed to follow, and it was the following:  After I birthed my baby, I was to be sterilized for good, in case, I went out and had sex again, with any other guy, as they believed that I had enjoyed it too much, and were afraid I would not stop having sex ever again.  So the Doctor created a false document stating that I was mentally ill, and had no clue I was pregnant and that I had been raped.  Now, in the end, I knew in part what they were going to say, but had no idea how that would impact the way, I was treated once admitted to the hospital.

                Since I was over 18 years of age, I did have the ability to say, if I agreed to this or not, and when asked, I was wanting to say no, but one look, from my mom, and I knew she would never forgive me.  So I ended signing the paper and said that I agreed to the operation.  The plan was that once she was born, I would be prepared to be operated on, the next day.  And my tubes would be cut in two places before being tied up.   Once I had my baby, I was taught how to nurse her and hold her, and in the end, due to a minor slip up, I was almost dismissed from the hospital the next day, without being operated on, but than my mom asked, and they asked if I still wanted to go through with it, and I once again said yes.  Now, do not think, that I did this happily, or that I did not care about the fact, that after this I would never get to carry another baby in my womb, but at this time, I was feeling very guilty and dirty and made a plea to God, that if I accepted to go through this, that I be forgiven, in time, and spared further humiliation.  And that I did this to show my parents that in spite of everything I still loved them and hope they would accept me still in some way.  

                   See at this time, my dad had taught me that God was just and also an angry God, in which, someone like me could never be accepted, until I had paid for all my wrong doings. So having sex outside of marriage and worse getting pregnant were two big no nos, and so I truly thought that God hated me at this time, and was so angry, He would kill me out of anger. And I thought that by showing my own submission of guilt and willing to go along with this evil plan, that God would see, just how remorseful I was, and pardon me so. Now I know the truth, and this plan, that was created was done so, by Satan, or an Evil entity and being, that be what you may believe in, I know as Satan.

                     I remember how the nurses kept on looking at me, and shaking their heads, muttering what a shame it was, as I was so young.  And I was treated like a child, during the preparation that led to the surgery.  As I was put on the table, and sedated, I remember thinking, I should have said no...  During the time spent in surgery, my baby was being kept in the nursery. Once I awoke, the first thing I asked was for my child.  And two nurses approached me and asked, if I knew what had happened, and I told them, how I had planned on getting pregnant, and was no retard and only went through the surgery to get pardoned by God and my parents. They were in shock.  Eventually, my mom came to pick me up and barely looked at my baby.  And so I entered the wonderful stage of Motherhood, and the first 6 months of my daughters life, I was not allowed to do much, except feed her and change her, but I was not allowed to bathe her, or nurse her for too long.  And an aunt ended up giving us a big haul of baby clothes that had belonged to my cousin.  So God ended providing for my baby, during her first years of life, while, I started studying at a University and eventually went to Culinary School as well.  My mom started talking to me, around the time, my daughter was 3 months of age, and my dad and I started talking up until she was around 6 months old.  And in time they both grew to love and dote on their first Grand child, and opened up to having others meet her.  It was not easy, trying to raise her alongside of my parents and there were many times in which my authority was put in question, so my daughter grew up knowing that my mom would give in to most things I would say no to.

                      Well, during the first 5 years of my daughters life, I enjoyed most of my motherhood experiences, but had kept quiet about my sterilization.  I felt that I would be ok, with not getting pregnant ever again, plus in spite of my parents suspicions, I had been cured, in a sense, of not wanting to get laid ever again, nor did I seek her dad out in this time.  Yet by the time, she was 5 years of age, she started asking for a baby brother or sister, and I did my best in explaining that I could not do so.  In the end, each time we would go out and run into a mother with a newborn baby, my heart would start breaking, and I would have this desire of being pregnant and birthing a child, deep within my soul, yet due to the operation I knew this could not be so.  I suffered in secret, yet God knew and saw my heart and tears.  But I never dared to ask for any type of help or even for a second chance.  And by the end of the year 2007, I had grown weary of the fights and arguments, plus accusations that my dad kept throwing my way, in different circumstances.  So at that point I was trying to run away and get away from all of them.  During this time, God started working in my life, in a way, that He started making me see Him as He truly was and not based on my fathers claim.  This is where those two young men came into my life and started walking and directing me towards God.

                       In January of 2008, we had some relatives visiting from Maryland, and we went to the beach. while there, a wave came crashing, and sent us all into a frenzy. My aunt was standing in front of me, when I crashed into her, and she fell over her right leg.  Well, it did not go well, and her femur broke.  We rushed on home and my daughter and I were dropped off as my parents rushed her to the hospital.  I was upset and got on Skype and asked my friend from Finland to pray for my aunt.  And in the end, we prayed together, over Skype, when it happened.  He, my friend, is a great man of God, and no he is not a saint nor perfect. He is a sinner as you and I, and full of many imperfections, but see, he has a heart to Loving God and serving Him with all his heart and mind and soul. So as he prayed, he told me that God was preparing a way, in which, He would take me out from the country in order to break me down, and heal me from all the pain and hurt.  And that what had been done to me, was done to destroy His plans for my life, and keep me from giving birth to the children, that will be used for His service.  And that He never wanted me to go through with the operation but knew why I did; and so on that day, through my friend, God reassured me of His Love and forgiveness.  And how he planned for me to marry and give children to the man, that  I marry and I was told to place my hand over the scar, that I still bare in my belly button, where the surgeon entered. As I did, a warmth came over my body, but more so in that spot, and I wept my heart out.  In the end, my friend told me to get an ultrasound to confirm that what had been done had been done.  And I got an ultrasound 6 months later after that, when I went to a gynecologist, and she did an internal ultrasound, and told me my ovaries and tubes were fine and that all I needed was to find a good man to have another baby.  I was overjoyed with such news, and so in the end, God restored and undid what man had done to me, in order to make sure that once I find this man, He has set aside for me, that I can bare the children that will come into my life, at some point. And ever since then, I have forgiven my mother, for in the end, what she did was not right, yet I knew she did it in pain, and I begged her to forgive me as well, and with my father, I have forgiven him of everything, and even though he denies many a thing, I will let God deal with him, and wish him well in life.

                        I am a human being full of weaknesses and trials, that I face daily.  God did start His work back than and still is working in my life. I have overcome much, through Gods help.  And I finally learned that I did not need to pay for anything as Jesus was the one that had already paid for my sins. Consequences do exist, yet in the end, if I were to have been punished, it surely would have been death.

                     In the end, I was reminded of Hannah, she is a woman that had faith in God, back in the biblical times and was married. Yet, as my mother, she was unable to become pregnant, and women scorned her for being sinful and or say that she was being punished for unnamed sins. In the end, it got to the point that one day, she went to the temple, and threw herself onto the ground, and wept her heart out to God pleading for a child, and in the end, she said that if He gave her a male child, she would make sure he was raised in Gods ways by the priest.  And it came forth that in time, she became pregnant and gave birth to Samuel. Samuel ended becoming one of the many prophets seen in the Old testament. And he was a man used by God at a young age.  

                          And so, I humbled myself before God, and thanked Him for this second chance, of being able to become a mother in time.  Yet, I have reassured my daughter, that this time around, I will do things the right way, and with good intentions all around. For now, I am looking to Love a man, who can come to accept me as I am, with all my faults and mistakes and imperfections, and I would do the same towards him.  And once married, to conceive his children, and bring them into this world.  And my daughter would be by my side, during this as well, for she is my first born child, and I have loved her so, and will never stop Loving her, no matter what.

                          And so in the end, this is part of many a trial I have faced in my life, and I still bare the scar, of when I was actually sterilized in my belly button, and now I am praying, that God may guide me to that one man, whom shall be my husband as soon as possible.  Yet all in all, everything that I have and do not have, I will still give thanks to Him, for without Him, I would not be here, as I am today. Alive and standing.  Yet my journey has not finished and for now will do my best to continue enjoying the fact, that I am still single at this time.  And am looking forward to carrying another child, deep within my womb, and to Love on him or her, and prepare them for this world.