My Sweet Baby Girl

This is in honor of my only child, aka teenage daughter.

       Before you came into this world, I was drowning within a pit full of pain, bitterness, anger and a thirst for revenge and justice.  In the end, after much sexual abuse and other type of trauma, I decided to break every rule, ever imposed on my person.

       I started drinking but did not get drunk until that one night. Outside of that, I tried smoking as well, and would never really inhale like most real smokers do, but I would pretend. I started trying to use cuss words more frequently, and then I decided to finally give in to the sex craze that was ongoing at the time, I was going down the drain. I made it clear, that I was not looking for love, just sex, and that is how your father came about.  Now, during the three months that we hooked up, I never took the time to think about if I wanted to get pregnant or not, and than a few weeks before your conception, he asked, what I would do, if I somehow ended up pregnant.  His question caught me off guard and I thought for a couple of minutes before telling him that I would not abort and go through the pregnancy and do my best in raising him or her as best I could. And he smiled and said, if I had a child of his to keep it for my own self.

         So, once you came to be, within my womb, I counted the time, and days, as they passed, awaiting for your arrival. I had read every other book on what to expect, during and before labor, and how mothers had to get ready for their first born child.  I admit, that due to my secrecy, I did not have anything ready for you, besides my heart.  So, God provided through a few close relatives, that ended providing me with clothing and bottles and diapers and all things needed for a baby.

          My parents were crushed and ashamed of you and me, they tried hiding you for the first three months of your life.  And in the end, I did not care, as long as I could have you in my arms, and feel your warmth, and see your beautiful, large eyes, staring right back at me, as you would feed.  I loved touching your feet, and see how your tiny toes would curl on up, and smell your baby skin, and watch how you changed each month, leading up to your first year of life on this earth.

         And my Love for you grew each day, and each second of your life, and I could not believe my luck, in having such a beautiful baby girl as yourself.  I was still a mess within my heart and mind and soul, and I still fought with both your grandparents, and life was not easy, for sure, yet, my love for you never stopped.

          I do regret that you had to witness grueling scenes, whenever my parents were punishing me for some deed, and you would have to see and hear the names that they would call me.  And I will never forget the moment, you came to realize, that no one aside from God had kept me from being hurt too often, that you ended up coming to my defense, once you could talk, and walk. And how you would put yourself in front of my legs, and with a stern face, look at your grandfather and tell him, Stop! No hurt Mommy!  He would laugh and say, that I had someone who wanted to defend me and walk away.  And so you grew in the midst of a home, that was full of much pain, betrayal, abuse, and hurt, and somehow you managed to walk on through, and made it through some tough times.

           I have always admired your physical and inner strength, and of course your love, that has existed since before I even held you.  And so, during the short three years, that we were separated, I know that then and there, I surely failed you greatly.  I should have fought harder, and done all I could to not be kept from you, yet, I was running away from all that was within this household, and I hoped beyond hope that they not harm you as they had done to me, and I preferred to stay away, not because I stopped loving you, it was more for my own sanity. In the end, God used this time, to come and rescue me and heal me from so much.  And I struggled to get a good job, and learn to drive and live in a decent neighborhood, in order to come for you.

         I missed out on those three years of your life, and I regret it daily, still. I am so sorry, baby girl, for having left you in the hands of an angry wolf, that ended using his way of talking to manipulate you into thinking that I had never loved you and that I despised and did not care for you.  Thank God, that deep within, you never lost that hope of seeing me again, and being able to ask, if I truly Loved you or not.

           When we reunited, that in itself is something I will never forget and will remain in my heart till the day comes for me to part this world.  We have shed many tears of sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, fear and doubt, yet in the end God not only came to rescue me, but to rescue you too, and He now holds us both in His loving hands.  If ever a time, in which I want you to know just how important you are is now.

          In two more years you will legally become an adult, and as much as I wish to hold that back, I cannot and you have matured in so many ways already and your future is rushing forth.  These next few years, your challenges will change and you will start understanding much that you did not before. Pressure will rise for you to make choices in regards to your education and future job.  I will do my best, to not overwhelm or demand much from you, because in the end, I simply want a better life for you.  It will not be free of pain and you will face new trials, more on your own.  And in the end, if you need to cry or shout or unload, I will do my best and be there for you, yet in the end, you will have to make the choice of relying fulling on God, for the times, in which you will find yourself alone, and I might not be by your side.

           Know this, I believe in you and know God has planned great things for you.  I am proud of what you have overcome, and my love will never diminish.  I have promised God that if you were to fall, as I did, for love or lust or just because, that I will not be ashamed of you and any grandchildren you give birth to, shall I love as my own, yet at the same time, make sure they know you are their mom.

            I have high hopes for you in many aspects and I pray you grow in your search, for the love that you have for different cultures, and languages and music.  Do not give up, even when the tide is so high, that you cannot breathe, do not give in to those negative thoughts or ideas, that others might implant in your heart and soul.  I do hope you can forgive me one day, for the times, in which, I inadvertently said things that scarred you and or hurt you, for it was never my intention.

If only I could go back and take them back, believe me, I would.

            Just know this, no matter what happens after you turn eighteen, and as we both continue to grow older, I will Never stop Loving you, No matter what! And you will always be my First Love upon this earth, and even within my own failings know that I have learned much from you and will continue to do so.

           Live and seek adventure, love and more in life, but never put God aside.  Other than that, I wish you well, my Love, My Baby Girl.  And remember, I will never stop Loving you, no matter what happens and even if you say hurtful things to me, and or fall down;  I will always do my best to be by your side, until my time comes and am forced to leave you upon this earth.