Overcoming my main obstacle-Dealing with men

I used to hate men and had stated I would never marry or love a man, yet these last few years my inner self, has awoken such yearning that now I want to find someone to marry yet am so afraid.

          I have faced many obstacles in my life and have overcome some, yet am still working on facing others at the present time.  So, from the many things I have faced and done, one of my main issues is dealing with men in general.

          Due to my past trauma, and events, I have developed this sensory within my brain, that I use, to see if a guy is safe for me to trust or not.  Most cases I decide against trusting and have played with some guys feelings in the past.

           In the end, what I do is not right, cause I have played and fooled some in believing that I have felt something or like them, in some way, to just reject them in a very cold way.  And I must confess, that some part of me, would cringe, while the other half would break as I forced myself to not feel a thing for them.  Now, during the times, that I did do this, I was still clueless of the truth, and condition I was in.  Yet, once the truth came about and I confronted my past, I became more aware of this sensory and what I had done in the past, and I felt bad.  Overall, if asked, I could mention a few people, from my past and present, that I consider friends.  And currently, I have been trying to be more open minded and less judgmental towards any guy that crosses my path, be it in person, and or via online.

            Being cautious is not bad yet if taken to extremes can be harmful in itself.  And I am currently struggling in being overly cautious as well as being less judgmental towards men and boys in general.  And at one point, I hated all men and boys, equally, but that has changed, after I met two guys that God placed within my broken life, to help me understand His truths and His Love for me.  Now, I will not defend my faith of God, as I know that now a days everyone has their own point of views and opinions in regards to religion, and beliefs that have been spread around. I simply believe in God and for me, it has nothing to do with any type of religion, but more of a relationship, that I have garnered personally, with this Almighty Being, that is Supreme to all, within this world.  

            The two young men, that He placed in my life, helped me understand so much, and each had a specific area that they helped me with, but the main goal was my rededicating myself to God Himself.  And from these two young men, one started feeling a tad bit more than I would have thought, and when he started telling me, that he wanted to meet me, and see if anything came out of it, I literally freaked out.  My self esteem at that point was zero, and I considered myself a monster, full of much filth and horror, that no one in their right mind, could ever Love me.  So, I ended doing everything to push him away, and in the end, I hurt a good guy.  Literally, he was not evil, but nor was he perfect. Simply he was and is a young man, after Gods own heart, and he finally got married, after a few other failed relationships.  I made him cry and I felt bad for doing so. Yet in the end, he stated that God had much to do within my heart, soul and mind, before, I could ever love a man back, as a woman is meant to do.

               And he was so right, of course, at that time, I had stated that I never wanted to marry or have any type of relationship, with any man, plus, I was a single mother, and my dad had told me that I had ruined any chances, to marry, since no guy would want to help me raise the child of another.  And I believed my dad, and told him to not worry, that I did not care for such a thing. And for a couple of years, I have been fine, with my baby girl, in the sense, of not really thinking, that I was lacking anything, and was better off alone.

                 Yet, these last 3 years, I admit, that a part of me, is starting to long for that, which I have never experienced at all in my life. This yearning has awakened in such a way, that I am now wondering, if it truly could be worth all the trouble, of finding that one man, that can fill that small part of my life, with such Love, that I could not handle it.  And sure, part of this is sexual desires, but at the same time, I am looking for someone to wake up to, each morning, for the rest of my life.  And this new feeling and sense of longing has me scared to death.  Sure, I have overcome other things, yet, this one thing, means, I must let my guard fall a tad bit more than what I am used to, and allowing him to see me, all of me, in ways, that I have not permitted anyone to do.  Of course God who sees and knows, all has seen and knows me inside and out.  And I am battling my own feelings of want and desires to keep the guys away.  

               And so, my day to day battle, is the fact that even at work, a few guys, have shown interest, yet I have kept them away, cause they really only seem to want just one thing.  Others I have felt drawn to, but see, what happens in those cases, is that I tend to overdo myself, and give them too much attention, and or drive them up the wall, to where, they get overwhelmed and shut me off themselves.  So, I tend to wonder, if I will ever be able to find that balance, within myself to not be too pushy nor too needy.  The guys I keep away tend to be the ones that clearly state, they want a piece of my meat. I am more than just that, and yet that is all they view, when looking at women in general.  The other struggle, I am having is by hiding within my mind, and not allowing my woman nature come out in all its vigor of womanhood, and prefer to hide behind my inner child, that has always hidden itself, deep within her mind, whenever she would feel threatened or unsure.  

                    Sure, God has done much, yet I must also confess that at times I have tried fighting Him off as well.  So you see, I am full of much imperfections and weird ideas, yet in the end, I always strive to do my best in most areas of my life.  I love helping others whenever possible, and I love adventure and trying out things I never did before, even riding roller coasters, but my main fear, of men, still exists in some way, and that is my current struggle.  I want to love and be loved not by what I am or what I have to offer, but for someone to see me, and not be afraid of what they see or put off.  And I also do not want to over do it, and make the guy get bored or annoyed by my person.  So am seeking a way to balance things out, in which, my safety always is on hand, but at the same time, to allow some risk to come, and flow in and out, whenever I do find this guy.

                 I feel stupid at times and drive my own self crazy, yet that yearning deep within, has awoken in such a way, that I can no longer ignore it.  And still, I am much afraid.  And I hope that with Gods help I can manage to jump over this main obstacle to be able to Love more freely.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

Marie, Marie, Marie. Honey, you're not crazy, stupid, or any of those other words you used. You have the same amount of baggage a lot of women carry, different from a lot, identical to more than you know, but definitely the same amount. A patient man, a man of God, will recognize your giving, forgiving and loving spirit. All others you do not need, and therefore, it is no loss to you. I know these words are no comfort at night or in the mornings, but let your spirit be at ease. You are older now, and maybe before this time, no man or relationship would have worked out and now you are ready. Or closer than you think you are to the relationship you are looking for. Women much younger than you are crying for the same thing - look how long you've made it without! A child is a blessing, and while they do not comfort the soul like a love partner, she has occupied your heart during this time you were learning to love yourself. Look at your mistakes as "school": you're ready to graduate. Your child is becoming an adult herself, and you will soon be "free" to further your heart's desire. As a bartender of many, too many years, I can assure you that there are waaaaaay more good men out there than there are good women. Small comfort when you don't have one of them, I know, but my heart is breaking for you. This is one of the bravest posts I've seen, writing site or otherwise, and you should take pride in that courage.

[Maria]

You have left me speechless, my friend. I thank you for your constant support, prayers and encouragement. I have been going through a tough couple of times, lately at work, mainly. And have been dealing with guilt and shame and the such, and for this contest, about challenges, I decided to just put it out there ya know. And you have reassured me in so many ways that you have no idea. Thank you for this heart felt review, it was much needed from my part and thank you for reminding me that there are others out there too. God bless you and your family as you continue your journey with your own mother. Most Humbly,
Maria