Just Stop

Am currently facing difficulties at work, in regards to my tone of voice with the prospective students, and my Supervisor has started a disciplinary action against me for it. So am venting,.

You will never understand,

nor will you even know,

if something you say or do,

will affect me differently than others.

You try, but unless you stop

judging and thinking that 

PTSD can be fixed and done with,

than you better shut up.

I know what I have to do,

yet my mood swings can affect,

how my voice might sound.

But do not worry,  I know 

how to pretend.

Yet, at times, no matter

how hard I try,

my mood swings might 

go berserk!

If you could only see,

how hard it is for me,

to overcome social gatherings,

whenever I am not in the mood

of being social at all.

You keep on asking that I talk 

louder, and more happier over the phone.

I do my best and when am

actually happy, I do my best!

So now, you started a process against me,

all because the calls you review,

 my voice is dead and or flat.

I already got the verbal and written warning,

so what comes next, Suspension, and than what?

I am already stressed as it is, dealing with 

grief, and having been made responsible,

aside from my daughter but of my father as well.

And I have to be strong, just for them, or so I am

told, day in and day out.

So, yeah, have much bottled up

inside of my head and heart, but no

one wants to listen, or at least try 

and truly understand, where I come from.

Sometimes you might say or do something

that causes me to have flash backs

or worse, panic attacks.

I hate those, more so, when

happening in front of a group

of people, that have no clue,

how to calm me down, and or

 reassure me, that everything will

be just fine.

I cower, in fear and in shame, for 

allowing these to get the best of me.

  Only someone that truly has gone through

what I have, will ever be able to get me,

at least some what.

In the end, its a good thing,

that God has seen it all,

and knows me much better,

than I know myself, even.

I do not fault you in not 

getting me, but it does 

get frustrating when you use, these 

things and make it seem, that its nothing.

Cause its not nothing, its something,

I face daily, until I die.