The Unspeakable

Based on my childhood and preteen experience with sexual abuse.

You came seeking to destroy me,

and almost succeeded in doing so.

For as a china doll, I was; fragile on the outside

and shattered on the inside.

You almost made me forget who I was,

and I always thought, I was to blame.

You were good at making a liar

out of me; in order to cover your back.

If I had known then what I know now,

I would have fought back.

You knew I was weak, and small;

no way I would be able to escape from you.

Yet, I did what I could within my agony;

Crying out for all to hear, yet, sadly no one ever came.

You were very slick or so you thought, until you messed up 

later on in life.

I was a tad older; eleven years old to be exact.

When he came and tried doing the same exact thing.

At first I was confused but he was better in tricking me.

He took his time, half a year, to gain everyone's  trust; but not mine.

Once he had hooked my brother up to his side, he came and told me,

I had no where to go.

And so at first, I reluctantly, allowed him to order me around; Take off your 

pants, let me touch you.

Somehow, I would escape within my mind, to not feel to not cry.  Yet each time he prodded and poked, my whole body would shudder and jerk.

He was the first to ever tell me the truth, yet I reluctantly denied it, each time.

I am doing what your daddy did to you, he would say, and I would deny it 

with my head.

Just as he loves you, so do I, so please let me do as I want.

Oh how, stupid I was to even obey when I did not 

want any of this, yet he would threaten to kill me and my family.

I tried many times to say a word, and thought that my negligence to not hug him would be enough.

Yet, you would scream and tell me, I was a bad girl, for not showing him some respect.

And so I was made to hug and give him a kiss on the cheek.  I hated him, I hated you, and I hated myself.

A never ending cycle of pain, and unwanted attention to my body.  Why? If I was ugly, and fat and such a plain, and very ordinary girl; I did my best to make myself a hideous creature, and yet that never stopped the unwanted attention.

Eventually, the day came in which he tried to rape me, and made sure no one was at home.

He thought I would willingly come and do as he said. Yet by that time I had had enough, and as he was unfastening his belt, and trying to undo his pants, I finally came to, and ran with all my might...

I aimed to his midsection and with my left leg, I kicked hard and my aim was true, for he fell, as a tree being cut down falls, and he never saw it coming, no he did not.

See besides growing up with my brother and male cousins, I played soccer and was a great player.

Oh yeah, am lefty as well, so when I kicked, I aimed to kill, and kill him I did;

or at least his male counterpart suffered impending damage.

Finally, after  a year, I started talking, yet you shunned me, and made me a liar, yet again.

So I finally grew tired and cold, and death I sought, yet could not go through.

You almost destroyed me, and He nearly killed me, yet in the end, I was able to

overcome. First as a victim, than a survivor and now an over comer.

The parts that were destroyed within my heart and soul, I gave over to God, once I

finally understood, that the pain or scars would never erase, but that that never meant, I should be dead.  

You came all mighty and proud and now you have fallen, cowering in shame and in guilt.

I could seek revenge, but decided not to, cause, in the end, all this hatred and bitterness, never affected you. So I choose to forgive you, in spite of everything,

because, I no longer want to carry You around as I have done most of my life.

So forgive you I have, and forgive you I will.

Author's Note

Any input welcomed.