Odd Office Life

A one-shot about how things would probably turn out if experienced soldiers behaved like office workers

Writing Prompt: Ever wanted to be an action writer, and lots of writing advice tell you to ‘write what you know’, but you’re just an ordinary corporate worker whose everyday life couldn’t be more boring?

No?

Well, I do. So, without further ado, here’s a one-shot about how things would probably turn out if experienced mercenaries behaved like office workers.

Genre: Action/Satire/Slice of Life

~ ~ ~

It was a bright and sunny morning. Or so I wished.

No. It was a stormy Monday morning, with thunderclouds darker than my mood and rain heavier than my eyelids. It was the perfect weather to sleep in. Or read a book. Or enjoy a cup of tea. Or do literally anything else that didn’t involve leaving the house.

Yet here I was, commuting to work like every other day.

The private van was a comfortable ride, if nothing else. It was basically a metal box on wheels, with darkened windows that shielded its occupants from the world and a dynamic suspension system which reduced virtually any engine rumblings.

Thankfully, I was the last person scheduled to arrive for the mission, so I had the entire vehicle to myself. It was better that way; I was in no mood to speak to anyone today. Or any other day, in fact. Work wouldn’t be the place where one would find me in the most pleasant of moods.

I checked my watch and groaned; it was barely nine in the morning. And here I was, already planning what to have for lunch.

Thunder cracked as the van cruised to a stop.

My tactical boots sent a small puddle splashing onto the leather seats as I took a step out of the vehicle. The boringly normal office building ahead of me looked like all the others around, other than the fact that its roof was on fire. I sighed as the van drove off.

Time to get to work.

A barely audible whirring caught my ears despite the muted clatter of gunfire on the other end of the steel doors as I attached the standard-issue decryption device to the highly secure lock. The circular decryptor flashed yellow a few times before turning a bright green. I pushed open the doors and strolled into Nova Incorporated’s Headquarters.

“Morning, Dave,” I greeted the man crouching behind a cabinet as the sound of gunfire multiplied by at least ten times.

“Morning, Carol. How was your weekend?”

Dave was dressed in the exact same dark tactical uniform as I was, and his assault rifle was slung loosely by his side. There was an almost bored look on his face as the guards on the other end continued spraying bullets over our heads.

“Same old, same old.” I leaned up against a support pillar beside him, checking my rifle to make sure it was fully loaded. “Family day with the kids. My husband drove us to the theme park.” 

“Again?”

I peeked from my cover, catching a glimpse of the enemy. No less than fifty guards were tearing up the entire main hall with heavy cover fire. They sure were an enthusiastic lot. It was almost as though they were lining up to die.

“Yeah.” I shrugged, pulling a fragmentation grenade from my collar pocket and tossing it over my head. “The kids never seem to get bored of it.”

A deafening explosion tore through the whole hall, sending tremors through the entire building. The gunfire stopped.

Dave stood up and moved from his cover, aiming his weapon forward. “Eh, they’ll grow out of it some day.” 

“Some day, huh? That day had better come soon. Being a working mom sucks,” I sighed wistfully, following close behind. “Man, these corpses are everywhere. What a crappy Monday to start our week.”

“Doesn’t seem that different from any other Monday.” My colleague pulled out an electronic wrench and began prying open the next set of doors.

A message flashed across my visor. I glanced at it before letting out a clearly audible groan of exasperation.

“Client rushing you again?” Dave asked without turning back. “Man, they really have got no patience.”

“Nah, it’s my Head of Department.” The doors opened with a soft hiss, and a complicated array of moving lasers greeted us warmly. “Just another one of those ‘Hi’ messages with no context. Early in the morning, too. What a thoughtless jerk.”

I flipped over the first set of lasers, landing on the temporarily empty space as softly as I could. Dave followed suit, rolling under his set of glowing death and somersaulting over the next. Thankfully, the laser room was barely twelve square metres, which meant we didn’t have to spend too long making our way through this tedious security system.

“You know Charlie’s just trying to get you to call him, right?” Dave said, hopping over to a nearby computer and deactivating the laser grid.

“I know, but I won’t.” I swiped away the flashing message. “We’ve got enough s**t to deal with now. It’s not my problem that he doesn’t bother to read my mission reports.”

The lift doors in front of me opened after a few more seconds of keyboard clattering. Dave and I walked in, keeping our silence as it brought us to another floor. The chrome doors opened to the sound of gunshots and knuckles on flesh.

In front of us stood Captain America himself, or at least someone who thought he was Captain America.

“Look at Benson go,” Dave said sarcastically, crossing his arms. “Dude’s trying way too hard.”

‘Captain America’, or Benson, was in the middle of engaging five armed guards in hand-to-hand combat at the same time. Behind him lay about twenty other guards, either groaning in pain on the floor or just straight-up unconscious. Benson’s firearms were strewn on the floor, but so were his opponents’ weapons.

“Of course, he’s really gunning for a promotion,” I commented, watching Benson dislocate a guard’s arm, break another’s neck, and knock one out, all at the same time. “He’s just bought that new expensive mansion for no reason other than to show it off to his family.”

“Tch, how childish.”

A grunt escaped from behind Benson’s mask as he staggered back from a well-placed kick, but he caught the next and flipped his opponent onto the floor savagely. His fist connected with the poor man’s jaw, knocking the guard out with a resounding thud.

“I heard his wife thinks he could do better with this mercenary job, so he’s trying his best to make sure she doesn’t leave him.” I shook my head. “But all she does is kick her feet up at home and do nothing else. If anyone’s childish, it’s his wife.”

“Almost makes me feel sorry for him. Then again, he chose her,” Dave said, slowly walking forward with his pistol raised. “Oh, look, he’s almost done.”

The gun barked twice as the last guard standing fell over with two holes in the back of his head.

“Thanks,” Benson grunted almost incoherently before running down the hallway. I really hope he didn’t hear what Dave and I were talking about earlier.

A few demolition charges were planted on a wall at the end of the hallway. They were blinking red, and the small monitors in their centre read ‘Data synchronisation in progress: Fifty per cent complete’.

I blinked and turned on my heel, heading to the office pantry instead. The Tech & Demolition department was ahead of us for once. Looks like I didn’t need to manually sync up the office data before blowing up the building.

The smell of coffee drifted to my nose before the two department supports, Alice and Stephanie, came into view. Unfortunately, Benson saw them before I did, and his frankly annoying voice soon filled up the tiny pantry space.

“Are you two skiving off again?” He crossed his arms. “I really don’t see how you can turn up to this office, all happy-go-lucky, as giddy as ever, big smile on your faces. Our company isn’t doing well, and you’re still in the mood to slack off? How much do you even want to be here? And Alice, weren’t you out sick the whole of last week? How can you not give a s**t about your contribution to this company?”

Alice faked a cough and continued sipping her coffee as though she hadn’t heard him. Stephanie flipped her hair carelessly and continued scrolling on her phone.

“Hey, I’m talking to you�"”

“Jesus, Benson. Shut the hell up. It’s barely eleven in the morning,” Dave said. “And it’s not like they didn’t get the job done. Just because you’re trying to be the Head of Department doesn’t mean you already are. Have some professional courtesy.”

“Slackers don’t deserve courtesy. I can’t believe I’m surrounded by so many lazy people,” Benson snapped back. “I’m getting this promotion, no matter what. I don’t have the energy to carry around useless baggages who don’t contribute.”

Projecting, much?

The sound of the two men arguing faded into the background as I poured myself a cup of coffee as well. By the looks of things, I was going to need it. I barely had five hours of sleep last night, and it looked like I had a long day ahead of me.

Unfortunately, my boss had chosen to call right before I could put the cup to my lips. I groaned audibly and picked up the call.

“Carol, why didn’t you call me back?”

“You didn’t ask me to,” I replied, stirring my cup of coffee gently.

“I sent you a message earlier�" Never mind that for now. Alan from Finance and Logistics asked me a few questions in our daily meeting earlier. Why did you order ten tactical EMPs for the heist mission last week? Didn’t we agree on five EMPs?”

“Intel made a mistake; the compound was a lot bigger than anticipated. Only found that out during my personal recce visit the day before,” I answered lazily. “I’ve already gotten approval from the Chief Tactical Officer beforehand, so all the logistics were already settled.”

“What? Why didn’t you let me know?”

“Well, I sent you an email, but you were on your annual leave. Besides, I already included it in my mission report that I sent last Friday. You’d know about that before your meeting if you had read it.”

“No, no, no. C’mon, Carol. You have to understand there are procedures and hierarchies in this company. If you can’t reach me, call me. If I don’t answer, keep trying until I do. You made me look bad in front of our stakeholders, d****t.”

I took an audible sip of my coffee and rolled my eyes. I really didn’t have energy to put up with this bullshit today.

“Duly noted, Charlie,” I mumbled robotically, nodding at Stephanie, who was gesturing to an imaginary watch. “If there’s nothing else, I’ll get back to work.”

I cut the call before Charlie could answer, just in time for an ear-splitting explosion outside the pantry. My ears rang as I gripped the marble table for support. Christ, that was louder than expected.

“Alright, it’s the last stretch.” Benson cocked his assault rifle and opened the pantry doors enthusiastically. “Go team!”

Go f**k yourself�"

A clatter of gunfire caught him by surprise, forcing him to retreat into the room. Dave looked wildly at me, and I returned it with an equally confused look. According to our intel, we should have cleared out all the guards in this building. Where was this heavy fire coming from?

Stephanie pulled the ‘watch’ from her wrist and tossed it into the air, ever calm. With a whirlwind of metal, it transformed into a drone no larger than a bee and whizzed out of the room. Alice swiped a hologram emitting from the device on her palm, and a camera feed came in.

What the hell?

“Is… Is that the CEO?” Dave breathed in disbelief. “Did he turn himself into some kind of cyborg?”

“Seems that way.” Stephanie nodded. “Other than his head, there don’t seem to be any traces of organic matter. He’s practically made out of metal.”

“Silver, to be precise,” Alice chimed in.

“Alright, here’s the plan. Carol, you go left. Dave, you go right,” Benson commanded. “I’ll charge at him head-on with my riot shield to draw his fire. Alice, Stephanie, find a way to short-circuit his body from behind.”

“Yeah, great plan,” Dave said sarcastically. “If you’re trying to get all of us killed.”

Benson glared at him.

“Those are shotgun slugs he’s firing. At that rate of fire, your riot shield will be shredded in ten seconds, tops.” Dave shook his head. “Might I remind you that Carol and I are from the weapons department here? You may be a Team Lead, but you’re still from the Close Quarters Combat department; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I grabbed Dave’s arm, shaking my head slightly. “Not the time, Dave. Not the time.”

“Fine, genius. Tell us what to do, then.” Benson glanced at the doors as the hailstorm of bullets got significantly louder. “You have twenty seconds.”

Dave pursed his lips. Alice and Stephanie looked at each other nervously.

“His body is made of silver, right?” I spoke up. “So we use that to our advantage. What’s silver most useful for?”

Dave’s eyes lit up with understanding. Benson tilted his head, nodding slightly. The two ladies giggled.

“Alright, Benson.” I turn to the man. “You’re the Team Lead. Your call.”

“Let’s f*****g go.”

Without hesitation, Stephanie tossed another pack of demolition charges, which stuck themselves onto the ceiling. Everyone huddled towards Benson, who swiftly deployed his riot shield and hung it over our heads.

An explosion rang, barely audible with the sound of approaching gunfire.

Rubble collapsed onto the shield with loud thuds, accompanied by the clattering of rain on metal. I looked up at the hole in the ceiling. As expected, we were only one floor below the roof, and it was still thundering hard.

Perfect.

The last of our makeshift team grappled onto the roof just as the cyborg-like CEO of Nova Incorporated burst through the pantry. It took him a hilarious few seconds to figure out what we just did, before he jumped to the roof as well.

“Nowhere to run, soldiers of fortune,” the bald man snarled, his yellowish teeth a stark contrast to the sleek-looking brush gun coloured exoskeleton, which had already taken the place of his human body. “You’ll pay for destroying my company!”

“Oh please, I don’t even get paid enough for this,” I spat, flipping out of the way as the cyborg swung wildly in my direction.

The others followed suit as the CEO released a war cry, erratically firing what looked like machine shotguns in place of where his hands should have been.

Alice and Stephanie cowered behind a metal bulwark that Benson had deployed, occasionally firing electronic scramblers at the enraged cyborg. Dave danced around the bullets like a hyperactive acrobat while Benson took every chance he could to push the enemy back.

I, on the other hand, was only here to do one thing.

The cyborg screamed in both fury and pain as a piece of metal lodged itself deep in the back of his neck. Without wasting a second, I pulled out the metre-long antenna and leapt off his shoulders.

And then I waited.

“You little s**t!” The CEO turned his full attention to me, ignoring the metal wire in his body. “Come back here so I can pinch your little head off�"”

Light flooded my vision as another explosion practically deafened my ears. Except that it wasn’t an explosion.

It was thunder. And the Heavens had struck down our enemy for us. After all, the CEO had chosen to make his new body out of silver, the most conductive type of metal.

I watched the charred corpse collapse limply to the ground as my colleagues gathered around. Dave was beaming at me. Benson kept a neutral expression, probably ticked off at how he wasn’t the hero in this mission. Alice and Stephanie sat on the wet floor, leaning against the parapet wall.

Me? I checked my watch and cracked a small smile.

It was finally lunchtime.

END