I Used To Be That One

01/13/18

I used to be that one. That one too timid to ask the question. That one too self-conscious to play and have fun. That one who knew anything was possible, but at the same time could not actually believe it.
I used to be that one. The one who self-deprecates. That one who feels denied and rejected, and thereby unworthy. That one who constantly says, "I'm sorry" and is afraid to shout that which he/she needs to shout.
I used to be that one. That one who feels The Universe has assigned them their own special raincloud. I used to be that one.

Now; whatever came about that changed in me, I cannot say exactly. I am sure it was by no means any one particular thing. But somewhere along the way I went from, "I deserve better than this!" to "I can DO better than this!" And this makes all the difference in me every day.

This for me involves consciously moving away from and out of ego-based modalities. Ego-based modalities include lack (like not enough to go around), etc. It also involves consciously cutting personal-involvement cords with people who continue to tether and bind (themselves and thereby others) by ego-driven modalities.

It is unfortunate we are encouraged to not have to change. This ultimately means we do not have to grow. We expect to have happy fulfilling relationships and life-experiences while bringing ourselves down, keeping ourselves down, and dragging those who love us down the rabbit-hole too!

It is not that I no longer falter. It IS that I no longer hate myself for it.

The only way to make it through the rabbit-hole is to come to accept the rabbit-hole, whether we choose the rabbit-hole or not. Acceptance brings awareness. Awareness brings the ability to move. Wallowing does not. So while wallowing can be an essential and necessary part of the process early on, one must eventually move passed the wallowing in order to get anywhere.

Simply put, no one can mirror in us what we do not ourselves actually (as-of-yet?) possess.