Culmination

As the title states.

02/03/14

      Just as you are learning, so am I. I am, as you are, currently the culmination of past, present, and future.

      I have spent over a decade in relationship after relationship (the first over 5 years with 3 children, the subsequent ones shorter and shorter with more and more children) in which time I helped others while I should have been helping myself. So, while having learned a lot for others, I am just now learning a lot for myself.

      My standards are changing: The way I hear and sense others, what I expect from life, the ways I will and won't tolerate being treated, what I do and do not want, etc...so rapidly from day to day, wrapping my brain around it is difficult to digest. Add the idea of trying to juggle another living being's needs, hopes, and desires...and I just can't.

      Recently someone I let close betrayed me in a way I've no care to forgive or allow to be repeated - especially considering the awareness of said action has been made with no recompense. I am tired of being blamed for others' actions or lack thereof, for being made responsible of things that aren't my responsibility, for others trying to run my life to fit their own agendas. So I won't.

      While the path to hades is paved with good intent, I've not set out to hurt anyone. Quite the opposite. I am not "hung up on" any one individual, yet there are more people still in my heart than I care to count, much-less-disclose. I just don't want to hurt unnecessarily anymore. The only way I know to not hurt unnecessarily anymore is to take preventative measures disallowing it.

      All my life I've spent chasing something maybe unobtainable. So much so the idea of it has lost its flavor. While I still have needs and acknowledge them, I no longer know if it is something I want even if I felt I could handle it, which I don't. For whomever it hurts or has hurt, I am sorry.

      I, as others, are not things to be lost or gained, but to be experienced.