That Little Boy

True story of self-sacrifice and the guilt and emotions that went along with it.

I drove away slowly, tears filling my eyes. My tiny car was packed with all my personal belongings; everything I owned.

At the end of the country road I stopped abruptly. Sobs wreaked havoc on my body. I trembled and shook violently.

"Dear Lord, let me get through this," I prayed aloud. "I know it's the right thing but it hurts so badly."

He had beautiful dark hair and dark eyes, just like his father. His father chose not to stick around for me or his son. I didn't even have a photograph. How could I do this alone? Abortion was out of the question. I did not even consider that to be an option.

Being the mother of six children, my own mother decided to take on the mother-role once again, instead of grandmother. She had raised her six and felt she could do a much better job than I could. I tried. I tried SO hard but I was young; inexperienced. Scared. I was afraid I would break my baby if I picked him up incorrectly.

I worked all day and soon came home to hear my son call my Mom, "Mommy". It was only natural for him. After all, I still had a younger brother and sister at home. He picked it up from them.

I would give my son a cookie and it would be snatched from his chubby fingers. "Don't give him that! He hasn't had his supper yet!" Tears would pour down cheeks. His and mine.

I would put a tee-shirt on my son and it would be yanked back over his head. "He needs a sweater. It's way too cold for that thin material." Again, he would cry and so would I.

Two women aren't meant to raise one child, at least not in my family. Each wants her own way. Neither way is particularly wrong but it's not possible when both want to be right.

Shortly after my son's first birthday, I made the most difficult decision of my entire life. I sat down with my parents and told them I was going to move out. My Mom wailed and cried; begged and pleaded. "You can't take my baby. No, you can't take him away."

I wanted my son to have a Mommy and a Daddy. I wanted him to have a big yard to play in and a stable environment. I wanted him to have a better life than I could provide.

I moved into a tiny efficiency apartment five miles away and cried myself to sleep many, many, many nights.

I saw him every night and every weekend but I felt like he was no longer "mine". My heart ached each time I left my childhood home and my child behind.

I did not smoke, do drugs and was never in jail. I fell in love with someone who promised me the moon and then left. That love was my only "crime".

My Mom became increasingly paranoid that I was going to leave with my son. I was not allowed to take him to McDonald's or the movies until he was five-years-old and even then I was lectured to "not let him run out in front of a car" in the parking lot. Mom was standing on the front porch waiting for us when we returned.

His entire life my son has only asked a few questions about his real father. How tall was he? Where did you meet him? What did he look like? Luckily, he had my father as a male role model and learned all the manly things a boy should know from him. As a teenager, my son once told me that he didn't need a "real" father because God was the only real father he needed. His statement made me proud and sad at the same time.

My Mother and I have had heated disagreements and arguments pertaining to my son over the years. I felt she belittled me and thought poorly of me for getting pregnant and was trying to punish me. I tried to tell her many times that I wasn't a bad person but she wasn't listening. Counseling helped me somewhat.

My Mom joined a group called GAP - Grandparents As Parents. She called me in tears after the first meeting. Other grandparents talked about raising multiple grandchildren of various ages because their own children (the parents of their grandchildren) were strung out on drugs, in and out of jail and/or severely abused the kids and social workers stepped in. When my Mom was asked why she was raising her grandson, she replied that I had fallen in love with the wrong person. No drugs, no abuse, no jail time. She told the group that I saw my son all the time. Several grandmothers told my Mom that she should feel extremely blessed. She apologized to me over and over and over again for the way she had treated me.

Today, that little boy is a twenty-seven-year-old grown man. He proudly served his country in the Air Force for six years, is married to his high school sweetheart and has three beautiful children. He is a wonderful Daddy! My heart swells with pride just at the thought of him.

So, if everything turned out okay, why am I writing about this? Why am I telling this story?

God helped me get through this; the most difficult time of my life. Although feelings and emotions have dissipated over time, that guilt still lingers. I feel guilty that my son has never met his father, I feel guilty that I thought such horrible things about my Mother, I feel guilty that my parents spent potential retirement money on raising my child when I should have been doing that myself. And, above all, I feel guilty that I feel guilty and can't seem to completely let it go.

God saw fit to have my parents raise my son. I never had any other children. Everything happens for a reason.

Author's Note

Please give an overall review on this true, very personal story. The picture is a little old but it is my son and my three grandchildren. I love my son with all my heart and hope it is evident in this piece. Thank you!

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Certainly, you were let down by the guy that ran out on you, but I think your mother could've done better, too. She should have given you the lion's share of the mothering, then stood back and monitored. My next older sister's guy ran out on her when she was about to drop, leaving her in the horrible situation of having to live and raise a baby in a tiny shack with me and Dad. Not surprisingly, she attached herself to the first bum that would take her in, and believe me, he was a world-class bum. So, despite your situation being far less than ordeal, things could have been far, far worse. The important thing is that now it's all behind, and all are doing well.

[MelissaAndres]

Well, things weren't always peachy and they aren't even now but for the most part, everything is good. I've learned how to deal with my Mom when she brings up certain subjects now and we have a closer relationship than we used to. My son just called me this morning and calls me two or three times a week or more. I am thankful to be a part of his life and the lives of my grandchildren as well. It could have turned out much differently. My first husband was a horrible jerk but my husband now (we've been married over 15 years) is much more of what I think a true father should be. My son loves him and always calls him on Father's Day. They talk sports and joke around a lot. I am so glad.

[rcat]

family is what you make of it. I raised my stepson as his mom chose the route of addictions and high risk

[MelissaAndres]

I don't know how I missed your comment on this, rcat.. I am so sorry! I hope everything is good with you, your stepson and his mother -- collectively or individually. The 'traditional' family is very rare nowadays, sadly.

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful story. Life teaches us many lessons. Most will break our hearts. I like the honest tone and the ending. Learning actions done were the right ones. I had AWOL parent. I was raised up by dear Grandparent. Thank you for sharing the amazing story. More people need to read these words.
Coyote

[MelissaAndres]

I have lost many friends (or those I thought were my friends) because I didn't raise my son. What would they have done if they were in my shoes? I thought about HIM and not myself. I wanted him to have better than what I could have provided at the time. I am so thankful, now, to be a part of his life and for him to allow me to be a part of my grandchildren's lives as well. If he had hated me for leaving him with my parents things could have turned out a lot differently. I've had some rough times in my life but, believe me, that was the toughest thing I ever have and ever will face. And, yes, I do hope more people read this and realize that every decision, even if heart-wrenching, isn't always easy but isn't always wrong. Thank you for reading. And, with yourself, I don't know why you were raised by a grandparent but I hope you know that everything happens for a reason.

[Coyote Poetry]

I tell people. Not your life. You did what you thought was right. This is all we can do and you are welcome.

[MelissaAndres]

I had a friend from high school call me almost daily asking me how could I "abandon" my son. I never abandoned him, not in the least. I was very much a big part of his life (still am). But, some people are just cruel and heartless. Part of me said I didn't care what she thought but that emotional, tear-filled part of me was overwhelmed.

[Coyote Poetry]

They were not a friend. A friend stand with you in the good or bad days. My mother was wise. Left me with my Grandparent where I was safe. Me and my mother are great friends. No easy life. We will fall down many times and move forward.

[MelissaAndres]

I was never on any drugs, never in prison, nothing of that nature at all. People jump to conclusions though and think that I had some problem where my son was taken from me. Not the case at all. To this day, my son's wife doesn't speak to me much because she thinks I abandoned him. I have personally spoken to her many times and told her I felt I had made the best decision for him and was not thinking of myself. She still thinks I am a horrible person. Not much I can do. We are civil to each other and that's about the best it will probably ever be. Oh well. It happens.