Pain And Suffering

A short story about a cheating husband and the lawsuit he brings against a clothing company.

"Please rise, the Honorable Eleanor Leevy presiding," the bailiff announced as the gallery stood to its feet.

A demure middle-aged woman with short blonde hair haphazardly shoved behind her ears marched into the courtroom. Her long black robe swished back and forth loudly emphasizing her determined gait.

As soon as Judge Leevy was seated, the bailiff handed her a manila file folder. "This is case number sixty-one on the docket, your honor. Grady versus Wrangler. All parties have been sworn in."

"Thank you, Franklin," she smiled slightly as she opened the folder slowly.

"Thank you, please be seated," Franklin Rost announced.

"Ian Grady?" the judged asked in confirmation. "I have read your complaint. I haven't had an entertaining case in quite a while and I haven't seen a case like this in my seventeen years on the bench. So, let's get this show on the road." A small smile curled her thin lips upward causing her straight nose to crinkle. "It is my understanding, Mr. Grady, that your wife of eight years, Hannah Grady, has filed for divorce citing infidelity. Is this correct, Mr. Grady?"

"Yes, your honor."

"Is it true you were unfaithful to your wife, Mr. Grady?"

"Yes, your honor, but..."

Judge Leevy interrupted the plaintiff. "How many times during your eight year marriage would you say this infidelity occurred, Mr. Grady?"

"Seven times, your honor."

"Seven times with one woman?"

"Seven different women. Multiple times." Ian Grady picked up the Styrofoam cup at his left elbow and took an audible gulp.

"And just how did these incidents happen, Mr. Grady?"

"Well, you see, your honor," Grady shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "It wasn't all my fault. The zippers on all my Wrangler jeans never worked properly. Every time I would see a pretty woman, my zipper would just slowly slide down on its own volition."

The gallery, a few witnesses and even the bailiff began to snicker.

"Order in the court!" Judge Leevy banged her gavel trying to regain decorum. "So, you owned one pair of blue jeans over this eight year period with this odd zipper malfunction?"

"No, ma'am," Grady answered seriously. "It was probably five or six pair."

Another small chuckle reverberated throughout the room.

"So this caused you to cheat on your wife?"

"Absolutely."

Placing her forehead in her hands, face hidden, Judge Leevy's shoulders moved up and down for several moments. Silent laughter was obvious.

Finally, turning her flushed face toward the defendant, she asked, "Patrick Richards? You work for Wrangler, the company that makes blue jeans, correct?"

"That amongst other clothing items, yes, your honor," the older gentleman said.

"In what capacity?"

"I am head of production."

"So you oversee that these blue jeans have no defects?"

"Correct."

"Do defects occur though?"

"Unfortunately, yes, but it is rare."

"In your opinion, could one particular consumer purchase five or six pair of blue jeans with a zipper defect?"

"No, ma'am, in my opinion that would be virtually impossible."

Glaring at the plaintiff, the judge watched as he gulped down more water. "Mr. Grady, you have asked for five-thousand dollars which is the maximum for small claims court. What would that be for?"

"Pain and suffering, your honor."

Another laugh trickled through the courtroom.

"I will grant that five-thousand dollars, Mr. Grady," Judge Leevy announced as a small gasp waved through the gallery. "But I am awarding those monies to Mr. Richards and his company for their inconveniences in dealing with this ridiculous lawsuit. Just as McDonald's can't make you fat, a zipper malfunction can't make you cheat." Banging her gavel, she said, "So ordered," with finality.

Both parties turned as the bailiff began to escort them toward the door.

"Oh, and Mr. Grady," Judge Eleanor Leevy added, "I suggest you purchase button-flies from this day forward."

Author's Note

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