Fanfiction - Shadowhunters - I love you Tessa Grey

This how I imagined things going after Will tells Tessa he loves her.

“Damnit, why can’t you just listen to me! I love you! Nothing in heaven or on earth can change that, I’ve tried. I fall asleep wanting you there with me, your heart beating next to mine, your breath on my chest, your hands against my skin. I wake up wishing the first thing I saw was your eyelashes resting on your cheeks, the sun framing your body. I want to love you the way he won’t be able to and I hate myself for it. I want you to be with someone who won’t ever leave you. I want you to always be loved and know you are loved.

He’s my brother, he’s my life partner, my dearest and truest friend I can’t stand thinking about his hands on you, his lips saying your name at night, it drives me mad, Tess and I can’t bear to have you open yourself to him knowing the pain that will be yours when he leaves this world for the next. Him dying will be the thing that crushes me entirely and I want you by MY side, not his, when it happens and it’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever wanted.

I have loved you since I saw you all those months ago in that room. You make me laugh, you make my heart swell and colours brighter, no matter how ardently I try to stop it. You are the song my heart sings and the dream my soul has every night. With every breath, I love you more. And I know, in your heart, I know you love me too. Tessa, my Tess, say you’ll be with me”.

Tessa stood stock still through every word Will said. She watched him pace and his eyes glisten, over come with the emotion he was unaccustomed to expressing. How long had she hoped she would hear these words fall from the lips she dreamed of nightly? When Will Herondale had come through that door at the Grey House, she had been his. Completely and fully, given to him to do with as he pleased and only weeks before this, he had broken her. Shutting the door to him ever loving her, making it seem like a disgusting joke. She had suffered in silence while she licked her wounds. Jem healed you, came a voice.

“Will…”

He had come to take her hands in the last few words of his proclamation and was staring so vulnerably into her eyes, her heart was physically breaking in two.

“Will, I - I can’t…” She managed to get out, her own tears falling from her eyes. While he heart was breaking, she had to watch his shatter in her hands. She continued, “I love Jem. You broke my heart those weeks ago and Jem waited patiently while I picked up the pieces you left behind. He loved me gently while I grew to love him. How could you possibly think I would abandon him now?” The words felt like knives as they left her mouth and the effect they had on Will looked as if they hurt just as much. There wasn’t a word deep enough that described what flashed through his eyes. Guilt at hurting her as he thought he had to, pain for losing her the way he did, anger for who took her pain away.

Time stood still as they stood there, staring into each other eyes, their sadness and heartache evident. They were close enough to kiss, which if witnessed, would be highly inappropriate but how badly Tessa wanted to lean in to his arms as if she’d been made for just that. She wasn’t marrying William Herondale, she wasn’t to be his bride and his wife, no matter how deeply she loved him.

“…I love you..” it was the fainted whisper…

Will almost stepped back, like someone had hit him, “I knew it! I knew you loved me!” and his arms circled her. He pulled her in, his lips claiming hers. His hands on her cheeks, in her hair. Tessa returned the forbidden kiss with a hunger she thought she had killed. Pull away! Pull awayI Somewhere in her head, someone spoke but she had no will power anymore. She couldn’t remember how to do anything but sink into Will’s passion, trying to match it. He was whispering her name between sobs and kisses, taking her farther and farther away from where they were standing. Away from the institute, away from her dead brother and what she was. Away from Jem. Jem. That thought landed her stomach and she ripped her mouth away from Will’s.

“Jem” she said and his lips went still on her neck. They were both breathing heavily, Tessa’s legs pressed against a desk they had made their way over to. It felt like hours they stood like this, neither willing to move away but both knowing it was wrong to continue. Finally, she let go of him and started to gently push him away.

“Will,”

“Wait for me Tess.”

She blinked.

“What?”

Will took a shuddering breath and stepped back. The aftermath of the fiery embrace and the sudden end to it was written all over his features. Tears were dried on his beautiful lashes and his eyes were red, “…wait for me,” he said again.

“When Jem dies Tess, when he dies, wait for me. Promise me you’ll wait for me. I will stand back and let him love you, let him kiss and touch you, let him be with you but when he is no longer there, promise me it will be my turn. To love you and hold you, kiss you and be with you. Promise me, Tess,” he was crying freely by the end. His forehead had fallen onto his and his hands had come to rest on her hips.

Tessa couldn’t take much more of this. Her heart, which was meant to be full for Jem for the rest of his life was splintering in her chest, leaving pieces lodged in her lungs and stomach. Breathing was hard.

His eyes had closed after she hadn’t answered and she could feel his fear starting to encircle him, “please Tessa, please! Give me something to live for. I can’t live without you both. I can’t lose him and lose you. Please Tessa, you can go love Jem, but love me after, let me love you- ”

She cupped this man’s angelic face in her hands and leaned up onto the tips of her toes and pressed the softest kiss his lips in response. She felt his fear evaporate like morning dew the second they connected. He didn’t grasp her, he didn’t pull her close. This wasn’t a passionate moment. This was just an answer. She fell back to her heels and waited until he opened his eyes.

“I will,” he made to say something but she quickly kept going, “but this conversation, this promise? It is forgotten until the time comes to remember. I will not marry Jem with this unspoken between us.” She didn’t want to say until he dies as she already felt like she was betraying her betrothed. But she knew Jem would understand, as he had understood it was Will she had fallen in love with first.

“Will?”

“Until the time comes to remember, alright Tess.” He took one more longing look into eyes, tracing a knuckle down her cheek and under chin as he kissed her forehead. Then with the willpower of fifty thousand men, he turned and walked out of the library without so much as a glance behind him. He’d see her again but she would be Mrs James Carstairs.

    *Five years later*

Tessa looked out the window of her husbands sick room, sleep his only reprieve from the illness that was slowly taking him from her. Her eyes were red from crying and the lack of sleep. It’s not that she didn’t trust anyone else in the Institute to look after him but only one other person had sworn a vow to do as much so she felt it her martial duty to be there whenever he were to wake. If he does this time came her fear.

Married was a loose term really. The Clave still hadn’t approved of their union and they had grown tired of waiting so they had asked Charlotte as head of the Institute to over see as much a joining ceremony as they could make it. Jem had looked absolutely regal in his gold wedding attire that day as they were surrounded by their family. Tessa’s eyes stung anew as she remembered the vows he spoke to her.

“Teresa Grey. Tessa. Your name was the song my life was missing. I had accepted that I would know death before I knew what it was like to love. And be loved. And then you appeared as the song I had been waiting to hear. I want you to know now and ever more that I am giving you my heart and my soul for as long as you’ll have me. I will love you as your husband until the day my heart stops. Will you have me?”

“I will James,” she said through her smile as he slipped his family ring over her marriage finger. Normally, Shadowhunters perform a Rune ceremony with their beloved but as Tessa wasn’t a shadowhunter, rings were what they had chosen. When she had explained how a Mundane wedding took place, Jem had immediately agreed to use rings. He was always so intuitive to her thoughts.

Tessa looked from the window to her husband, so small in his bed surrounded by pillows. She leaned over and stroked his hair from his forehead, the memory of their wedding still playing in her mind.

“James Carstairs. I love you. I can’t remember a time where the joy that filled my cracked parts and broken pieces wasn’t from your music or your laugh. You accepted me for everything I was and what I wasn’t and never expected anything more. I can’t even being to imagine I will bring you as much joy as you bring me but this I promise with my whole being: I will love you every day and in everything I do. Will you take me as your wife until death parts me and thee?” She had incorporated the words found in the ceremony between parabati, hoping it would show everyone how much she wanted to be a part of their world.

Jem had smiled and caressed her cheek, his eyes sparkling above his beautiful smile. 

“I do Tessa, I do-” was all he managed to get out as she launched herself at him, curling her fingers in his silvery hair.

“I love you Jem Carstairs, always and forever.”

“and I you, my darling wife,” he had whispered back.

“Tessa?” Tessa snapped back to the present, looking for the source of her name and found Sophie at the foot of the bed. Sophie and Gideon had been joined only a few months after her and Jem had. They had had a proper Shadowhunter wedding. Tessa had stood beside Jem, wishing her happiness for Sophie hadn’t been tainted with the smallest bit of jealously. She let her tears fall uncheck as she watched Gideon trace the runes she had been denied onto his new wife’s skin and was thankful for Jem’s presence beside her to remind her that she was lucky to have his love, runes or no runes.

“Hi Sophie,” Tessa said as stood to busy herself with tucking the sheets around Jem.

“I’ve been sent to tell you there’s a surprise downstairs for you miss,” Sophie still called Tessa that out of habit but she didn’t have the energy to correct her this time. She sat down on the other side of the bed in the arm chair, “I’ll stay and watch him Tessa. Gideon is out with Henry and Charlotte and you need to rest. Go stretch your legs and lay down for a spell. You haven’t left this room in weeks, save to go to the bathroom and maybe eat. Or go see your nephew, he keeps asking for you. I’ll watch over Master Car- I’ll watch over Jem,” she was getting better at catching herself at least.

Tessa sighed and rubbed her neck. She was right. She hadn’t really stepped out of this room unless it was to fill a water basin or get towels. She often fell asleep half on the bed as she didn’t want to disturb his sleep, he got so little of it.

“Alright Soph, I’ll go for a walk to kitchen. He wasn’t able to keep his breakfast down earlier. Sophie smiled as she took the wet wash cloth from her and sat back down after draping it over his forehead. Tessa left the room, reluctantly like she was going to miss something. Her old room, before marrying Jem, had been closer to the kitchens but Charlotte had given them a few rooms further away from everyone to give them newly wed privacy.

Walking slowly, lost in thought, her mind trailed to Charles asking for her, Henry and Charlotte’s first born. Whenever she thought of him, it was always followed by a pang of sadness. Piercing her to her core, it took her breath away. Jem was dying soon and she hadn’t been able to give him a family. She’d have no one to keep his name or memory alive once he was gone. They had tried for the first two years, before he started getting sick too often for it to be safe. She had cried heavily and for days when they had come to realization that it wasn’t going to happen. She’d sunk into a deep depression for a month or so but Jem was never demanding or apathetic. He held her whenever she needed to be held and wiped her tears away when the sorrow was too heavy for her. But in the end, it had been Will who had broken the dark spell. All it took was a simple joke one day out in the garden and the dark veil that had been her constant companion had begun to lift.

Rounding a corner, she saw the man himself walking in from the outer courtyard.

“Well, speak of the devil,” she half mused, “Good evening Will.” she said a little louder.

He turned from closing the door and like always, when their eyes met, there was a moment of weightlessness. He blinked and returned to closing the door.

“Hello Tessa,” he said as he shook his head, freeing leaves and other such things.

Tessa raised her eyebrows, “rolling around in the yard again, are we?”

He smiled a little, “Charlie wanted a little game of hide and seek before his lessons today. Thanks for teaching us that game by the way. I never knew what I was missing was to outsmart a child for hours on end-” he stopped when he looked up to her. Her eyes were usually alight with laughter. Today, they were drawn and serious.

“Will…” There was a hardness to him that melted away whenever she just used his name.

He sighed and walked towards her, “how is he today Tess?” he didn’t try to hide the sadness in his voice. This bout of illness was the longest yet and there was a feeling deep inside of him, like a rotting feeling that this was the last one. They were parabati and as such, he knew things that even beautiful, loving Tess wouldn’t ever be able to. She loved him but he was his life partner. They were connected by ceremony. It pained him to know that she had been denied that joy being irreparably tied to someone but her wedding day had been the hardest thing he’d had to endure in his entire life. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to stomach it had they actually exchanged runes. Selfishly, he was glad she couldn’t know Jem as he did.

“He’s asleep again. Thankfully. His hallucinations kept him up all last night and into the afternoon today. He couldn’t keep any food down today so that’s where I’m headed now”

“Good, he needs his strength,” he said, although there was something in his voice that gave her pause.

“Will…what if he-” she couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud. What if he dies today?

Almost like he could read her mind, he crossed the space between them slowly and took her hand, “It may be today Tess, or tomorrow, or the day after,” she knew how hard this was for him to say so she let him finish, “but we knew one day he would.”

She closed her eyes against the world without Jem and took a deep, trembling breath. Partially because of the sadness that was thundering against her weak defences but also because of how close Will was. For five years, they hadn’t really been alone together, never mind close enough to touch. And here he was, holding her hand as they spoke about her dying husband. She felt almost drunk on his closeness. Did he always smell this way? She was fairly certain she swayed a little but he cleared his throat and took two paces away from her.

“I’m going to get changed and I’ll be up to visit him shortly. Should I wait for you?” Back to business. She blinked and gave a short shake of her head,

“No, I won’t be long. Just grabbing a plate for Jem. I’ll be right up.” and with that, she turned on her heels and walked through the kitchen doors. She didn’t see Will remain rooted to the spot, watching her walk away. 

As she walked through the doors, she saw Bridgette, the maid already making up a tray of food. Given how late in the day it was, it was either for Charlotte or Jem. Charlotte was carrying their second child and was prone to snacking around this time as she usually wasn’t hungry for the first portion of the day. Bridgette looked up from her task and bopped a curtsey.

“For Master James, miss,”

“Oh thank you Bridgette, how kind of you. Have you been to see him? If he’s awake, he’d enjoy seeing you,” which was true. Jem was genuinely interested in everyone he met, save the nasty ones, of course. That’s what made him, well, him.

Bridgette shook her head, “not yet miss, I was plannin’ to stop in tomorrow on my way out for the messages,” Tessa nodded. It had taken her some time to get used to how people spoke. Bridgette meant she had errands to run and things to pick up. 

“Also miss, Master Branwell left that for you,” she nodded as she picked up the tray and exited the kitchen, pushing the door open with her back. Tessa turned to the table behind her and saw a box wrapped with a lace bow. Henry bought me something? Confused, she untied the ribbon and lifted the lid and her breath got caught somewhere in her chest. What lay in the box was a dress made from the finest white fabric. There were pearls around the collar and under those, were runes in gold thread. White. Gold. Her vision narrowed, like she was looking through a tunnel and she had to grab ahold of the tables edge to keep herself upright. This is funeral garb. Taking stuttering breaths, she placed the lid gently back over the dress, knowing she’d have time to look at later. But right now, she needed everything to not be moving so fast. He was doing so well! She raged inside. She leaned on her hands on the table and felt the anger starting to roll through her body. This wasn’t fair! How could he leave her! He promise forever!

“I know, none of this is fair,” came a voice and then a warm embrace. She didn’t even open her eyes to see who had said that, not even caring that she had spoken out loud. She let the sobs shake her.

They stood like this for a while. Whoever he was, he let her grip him tightly and weep into his shoulder, uncontrolled. He stroked her hair and made shh’ing noises while he rocked her. Finally, once the ebb and flow of her sorrow had worn out, she pulled back and looked up into the eyes of Gideon Lightwood.

“Oh! Gideon! I’m sorry, I don’t know, I didn’t mean-” she stumbled over her words, hurriedly wiping her face free of her tears and embarrassment. He kept his hands on her arms.

“Don’t be Tessa. I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever have to lose Sophie. If you need someone to lose yourself to the loss, I’m here,” he took her hand and patted it between his. He wasn’t usually this kind. He was a kind man, but being the eldest Lightwood brother, he had other things to attend than making sure he was empathetic. The softness in his voice almost brought on another wave of tears. Tessa nodded.

“Thank you Gideon, so very much,” she smiled and he let go of her hand. She returned to wiping her face while he wrapped up the ribbon on her mourning dress.

“He wanted you to look as you should. A shadowhunter. Not a Mundane widow,” he said as he finished. This was hard on everyone. Everyone loved Jem and they were all losing a close friend, a would-be son, a brother. He was such a permanent figure in the eyes of everyone at the London Institute, no one could fathom a day when he wasn’t playing his violin or walking the gardens with Will beside him, discussing deep thoughts and dreams. Gideon was losing someone too. She walked over and took his arm.

“Thank you,” she said. He looked at her, a hint of sadness playing around the corners of his eyes. She doubted she’d ever see his sadness over the loss of Jem. But she knew it would be there, “Bridgette just brought him some food and I’m headed back. Escort me?” He nodded and they walked back. Along the way, she asked him questions about his childhood and what coming to the London Institute felt like after living in Idris. She learned about how his mother always made this specific type of candy for his birthday celebrations and that one day he wants own a cat. By the time they got to the door, she had almost forgotten what was in the box he carried.

Will was leaning against the wall outside the door. He straightened up when they came around the corner.

“I know you said not to wait but I think he’s awake and I thought you should see him first,” he nodded to Gideon and took the box from him. He had never really had a problem with this particular Lightwood brother but it was still sometimes jarring to see him so seamlessly fit in with the rest of his life. Gideon nodded in return and gave Tessa a quick smile, before turning around.

“Gideon!” Tessa called, “don’t…don’t go too far,” she warned him. He had seen the white dress so he knew the time was coming, but she felt she needed to warn him just the same. He looked back nodded again, grimly.

Tessa turned back to Will.

“What’s in the box?” he asked.

She lifted her chin in a  quick motion as if to say, open it and see for yourself.

He brought the box out in front of him and made quick work of the ribbon, lifting the lid.

His face froze. She thought she saw his eyes start to water as he took in the white fabric and the golden wedding runes threaded along all the hems.

“Tess…”

“Gideon said Jem didn’t want me dressed as a mundane to his funeral. He wants me dressed as the shadowhunter wife I should be.” There had been enough crying earlier that she managed to say that all without coming undone. She was tired though and wanted to go through that door and lay head down next to Jem. Will didn’t say anything. He closed the lid and raised his eyes to meet hers before he turned and opened the door.

She eyes instantly sought Jem’s and she was elated to find his open!

“Jem!” She all but shrieked as she lunged toward him. She caught herself from completely launching on top of him in time and settled for scooping up his hand and pressing to her cheek while she cradled his head in her other hand, “darling, you’re awake. How do you feel?” she knew the answer wasn’t going to be amazing but he looked alert which he had lost a week or so ago through his fits and delirium.

“Tessa, my love, I feel rested,” he said weakly. No one would be foolish enough to think he was going to get better but for now, she was content to be talking with him at all.

“Will, brother,” Tessa had forgotten he was there and she felt instant guilt. She looked over her shoulder as motioned for Will to come around the other side of the bed. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she noticed Sophie wasn’t in the room but she knew Jem had probably asked her to come find me. Will pulled up the arm chair as close as it would go and settled in, taking Jem’s other hand.

“Jem, brother,” he parroted. Jem smiled. Or at least, what passed for a smile these days. He was so weak, when he was awake, the time got shorter and shorter. Last time he had been alert like this, they had had fifteen minutes with him. And that was two weeks ago now. Will knew his parabati would be leaving this world and it would be by the end of the day. That connection, that bond was causing him pain. Like an old wound that had gotten infected, he could feel like he felt the love for the woman who sat opposite from him, looking at his brother like he was sun.

“Tessa, sweetheart…could you give me a…a moment with Will… I promise it… won’t be long,” Jem said, having to catch his breath. Tears were once again falling off her lashes but she nodded with a smile and leaned forward to kiss him. Will looked away. Try as he had, over the last five years, he hadn’t been able to watch her kiss him. Their wedding had felt like someone had set fire to his skin and having to watch her throw herself at him in complete bliss was the last straw. He had clapped and cheered with everyone else but that night had drunk himself into a stupor in hopes of erasing the pain.

Tessa stood and looked a Will. You get me if anything goes wrong. He nodded and watched her leave the room.

*Will*

He hated this room. He hated what it meant and he hated he needed to spend any time in here but he knew he could walk right out of here and wind up right back at the damned door. He was drawn to Jem naturally and when he was sick, it was ten times worse. This though. This was worse than that. This was like having your arm cut off and knowing its just on the other side of a door you don’t have the key to. You just keep coming back hoping one day, someone will have left the door open.

“Will…I…have something…to ask of you,” Jem got out slowly. Telling him to shush wouldn’t work so Will waited patiently through it all.

“Anything Jem, you know that,” Will said. The corner of Jem’s lips lifted slightly.

“I’m dying…and probably…today,” he paused. His eyes were closed against the effort of speaking and remaining awake long enough to say what he said to say. The vice around Will’s heart tightened. He squeezed Jem’s hand to encourage him to keep going.

“Tessa…she isn’t…a shadowhunter…the clave…might not…let her…stay….after,” Jem was struggling and Will didn’t want him to slip away again without having spoken to Tessa. What if it’s his last time with us?

“I’ll take care of her Jem. Of course, I will. She belongs here. Jem, I’ve got her,” he felt a tear slip out, carrying with it some shame with it. He made this promise feeling some guilt lift over the promise he made her make all those years ago. Now, he wouldn’t be stealing his dead brothers wife, he would be keeping his own promise. Jem was silent, his eyes closed. Will shook his hand, worried he was gone. Jem opened his eyes ever so slightly.

“I know…you love her…and I know…it hurts you…” he said, stealing the wind from Will’s lungs. Of course he knew! They were parabati! Will, you idiot!

“Stop…look…at me,” jem wheezed. Will’s tears cascading down his face now, “I’ve known…for…ever…love her…now…without…me…no….guilt,” shorter and shorter his breathes were. Will had to get Tessa in here, quick.

He jumped up, hastily brushed his face and bounded to the door, ripping it open. Tessa had been pacing and at the sudden movement, she stopped and ran past him in the doorway.

“James? Jem? Darling?” She was saying, perched as close as she dared get to her frail husband. She was stroking his face and his hair, wiping her own with her other hand.

“Tess…I love…you” his words were so strained. Will held back a sob. Was she going to get to say goodbye? Was this it? He risked a glance out in the hallway and saw Gideon!

“Gideon!” He called as loudly as he dared. He didn’t want to tempt fate with his fear but he knew everyone needed to rounded up and quickly. Gideon’s head snapped around and he bolted down the hallways toward Will.

“Is he…?” He asked quickly as he came to stop. Will nodded.

“I’ll gather everyone,” He stole a glance through the door, to Tessa on the bed, bent over Jem and he was gone.

Tessa was barely aware of what was happening. Her entire world was coming down on her. No, not yet Jem, please wake up. She bent down and pressed her forehead on his and almost like she breathed new life into him, his eyes opened and he took a fully breath.

“Tessa, my love. I’m dying…possibly…today…” he struggled. But just has he had been kind and gentle with her, she just looked his eyes and held space for him.

“When I’m gone…I need to know…you are…taken care…of,” She was vaguely aware of a door closing somewhere but all she knew right now was that she wasn’t close enough to him. She stood up and pulled back the covers and climbing in next to her husband, she held him tightly and rested her head on his shoulder. His fever was burning its way through what was left of his body and it should have been unbearable to touch but she couldn’t get close enough to him, couldn’t hold him tight enough like if she could just hold him closer, he wouldn’t leave.

“Jem, please don’t go…stay…take care of me like you promised me you always would,” she knew she was being selfish and unrealistic. She had known this day would come. She wasn’t ready though. She was weeping into the crook of his neck when she felt his hand on her palm, pulling her face out to see his.

“Tessa, darling…I am…I just…can’t…be here…anymore…I’ll…always…take care…of you,” his breathing was so laboured and uneven now. Oh Jem, not now, just give me more time with you! “I love you…Tessa Grey…” his eyes slid shut and his breathing slowed. Tessa must have let out a wail because the door opened, bringing with it the sound of people filling a room and she felt hands on her back and shoulders, gently tugging her. No! Let me stay! I want to hold him as he goes! The hands disappeared and when she opened her eyes, she saw Will first. He must have been the one trying to pull her off. Again, she must have spoke aloud because he just walked to the side of the bed and got in on Jem’s other side. She knew that he had more right to mourn the loss of Jem, more connection and likely more pain than she had. She met his eyes and he must have read her mind for he reach out and grabbed her hand.

“Don’t you dare leave him,” he said. She shook her head and looked once more upon her husbands face, caught in sleep she wished he would wake from. Goodbye James, my sweet Jem. Death is part thee from me but I shall always love you.

And then he was gone.

Author's Note

I spent 5 hours typing this up from a handwritten few pages and I ended up adding and changing so much. I did end up tired and sore if the end ends rather abruptly, I'm sorry. I'll come back and fix it in time. There will be a part 2.

Reviews

[JayG]

• “Damnit, why can’t you just listen to me! I love you!

So...someone of unknown gender, who we know nothing about, and for unknown reasons, it talking to someone not introduced, about being in love with them.

Had the reader the things you have as you read this, like the character's backstory, knowledge of what's going on, what brought on the outburst, etc., it might be meaningful. But as written, the paragraph is 8 sentences which have no meaning to anyone other than you, spoken in a voice that only you can hear. Will it have meaning if the reader plows on? Perhaps, but there is no way to retroactively remove confusion, so, will they read on? Were this part of a submission to agent or publisher that lack of context would cause an immediate rejection.

As a minor point, when "damn it" is combined it's spelled phonetically, as d****t.

And, when dialog continues through multiple paragraphs, as you do here, place a leading quotation mark on each, and an ending mark on the last.

• He’s my brother, he’s my life partner, my dearest and truest friend I can’t stand thinking about his hands on you, his lips saying your name at night, it drives me mad, Tess and I can’t bear to have you open yourself to him knowing the pain that will be yours when he leaves this world for the next.

This is a 59 word run-on sentence that uses comma splices, but should be three independent thoughts. Use of comma splices is pretty much a guaranteed rejection.

But more than that, the reader has not a clue of what's going on. You do, and you have intent guiding your understanding. The reader has what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR background. That's why we must edit from the seat of the reader, not the author.

You say you never finish a book, and I'm pretty sure I know why, because it's a common problem. At the moment, you're using the writing skills we're given in school, which sounds reasonable. But remember all those reports and essays you were assigned over the years? They made you good at writing reports and essays, which are fact-based and author-centric, with a goal of informing the reader.

Unfortunately, fiction's goal i very different. As E. L. Doctorow put it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” No way can the nonfiction skills we're given do that, because they report and explain in the words of the narrator. But with no actors on stage but for the narrator, how can the story seem to e happening as we read? The viewpoint is that of the narrator, not the protagonist. In life, though, people hesitate, rephrase, analyze, and more. They use all five senses. There's body-language, tone, cadence, and more, involved. But are we taught how to do that?

In general, your words are the lyrics. But gesture, expression, body attitude and movement—even the language spoken by the eyes—form the music. Leave them out of your fiction and the song is forever unfinished.

When you write the piece it's all there in your mind, called up by the words, as you read, so it works perfectly and the story lives.

But...come back to it a month later and you're seeing it more as a reader, and the detail that was so alive has faded, killing the sense of immediacy it once had. But, not realizing the cause, or the solution, you'll wonder why what was so alive now seems flat, and lose interest in continuing. We forget that Fiction-Writing is a profession, and like any profession, is acquired IN ADDITION to our school-day skills.

And that's what you need to fix.

Acquire the emotion-based and character-centric writing techniques the pros take for granted and you're in the game. Do that and the reader becomes the protagonist, living the adventure in real-time, as-the-protagonist.

Will that be easy—a list of "do this not that?" Absolutely not. Any profession takes study and practice to master. But learning more about something you want to do isn't labor. In this case, it's like going backstage at a professional theater for the first time, and filled with, "So THAT'S how they do it."

My suggestion as to where to begin is with a few books on fiction-writing technique. The good news is that you work at your own pace and when you have time, There's no pressure and no tests. The library's fiction-writing section is a great starting point.

My personal favorite, as a first book is Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It's an older book, but still, the best I've found at explaining the why's and how's of hooking the reader. And because it's come out of copyright, some archive sites have it for free download. One such is below this paragraph. Just be certain to read it slowly, with lots of time to practice each point as it's raised, to make it yours, rather than something to be forgotten two days later. And six months later, after using what you've learned, read it again to pick up a lot more.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

For what it may be worth as an overview of the field, many of the articles in my writing blog are based on that book,

So dig in. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/