Chapter 11: Holly (Part I)

Here goes nothing -wait nope, there goes my heart.

I am not ashamed nor do I regret my submission. Although the look in his eyes was enough to make my hands shake. My sweating grip on these leather reins grows tighter as I’m left with my own conscience. I’ve always been a free spirit and got away with almost anything. I never had a father figure after the death of my own; maybe that’s my problem. He just doesn’t get it, I want to do this and I’m doing this because maybe it’s what Jesus wants me to do. To learn discipline, respect; to be humble, grateful and vendetta free. To sit back and learn, look around at the lives of others instead of racing to the front of the line being the first and the one and only.
     “Are you ready?” Rafe asks, his face shadowed by the moonlit night.
     “Yes, sir. Is there anything you want me to do before the show?” I reply.
     “No, just relax. Put on a good show and you’ll survive the night...” his voice trails off as his stride takes him further and further into the darkness and out of hearing range. I centre myself. I can do this,I know I can.
     The tent is crowded and I swallow all fear. I let the cloth "the only thing separating the audience and the crew- fall and breathe a little. Rafe’s voice echoes through my veins and he welcomes the crowd. I bring all the horses together. If it wasn’t for leading Lilly around I would collapse. Although her presence is an invisible one, all anxiousness seems to slowly fade as I lead her to herd. I go and get dressed; Zen thankfully taught me how to apply makeup. It seems like a whole new face, it boasts my confidence a bit though and gets me in a more exhilarating mood. I hear a familiar name and the crew all seem to rush to the dividing cloth. I join in on the excitement squeezing in for a good look.
     I can’t look away,I know I said bad things about him and I still feel like he should not be trusted but I can’t help but think of all the things I am missing out on; all the life stories and relationships by pushing everyone away, especially those who are tortured and strange "like myself I must admit. What he does must be some kind of sorcery, pure dark magic but not a lady in the house can look away or look at their partner for that matter. His chiselled face, slight chin growth and untamed hair just add to his ruthless persona. His picturesque physique leaves the tent breathless;I hear the sighs and whispers of both parties and feel a little intimidated by the attention he draws. Black trousers, suspenders attached "lacking a shirt, although this doesn’t seem to faze any female in his vicinity. He embodies the man you should never want, the one that will leave you cold and dry with a raw, passionate flame burnt out as he steps out of your life.Throws you away as if what you shared was neither personal, nor mutual at all. I push back through the crowd and finish my makeup -scared of the truth. That he is what they label him to be, a heart thief and I’m afraid he has stolen mine.