I will always be 12

I will always be 12

The story of my son’s last days from his point of view.

 

 

 

Time to wake up, but I don’t want to leave my bed. I don’t have a lot of energy today, so I’ll just go do my morning business and go straight back to sleep. Daddy is up; I’m never too tired to greet him. It’s time for breakfast, but I’m really not hungry, I just want to lie in bed again. I wish daddy would stay home with me so we can be in bed all day; but he has to work soon.

 

It’s already time for him to leave, he left food on my bowl even though he’s been feeding me by hand lately because sometimes I eat too fast and choke. I don’t want to eat, I’ll just sleep while he comes back.

 

Daddy is back! We play only for a few minutes because my body aches when I move too much too fast. He picks me so carefully and lets me be in bed with him for a while. This is the best part of the day, it’s always so nice to be with him while he strokes my short hair and kisses my forehead.

 

Daddy seems excited that it’ll be my birthday soon. I think I’ll get baked cookies or a cake this year, I know he’s planning something special because he mentions it all the time.

 

It’s time for dinner. He gives a bowl full of food to my step brother first, he’s always in the mood to eat. I’m still not hungry, but daddy is trying so hard for me to eat, so I take a few bites of my food, but not much. We spend the rest of the day in bed; it’s nice even if he’s distracted by the computer or phone most of the time, he still never forgets to look over me and pat my head every few minutes.

 

The sun is out again. I see daddy making special food for Tito and I. I still don’t have an appetite, but this fish looks pretty good. Daddy looks disappointed when he sees I only ate about half of my food, but I can’t eat any more.

 

It’s time for him to leave again, but he picks me up and soothes me before leaving, I wish he’d have time to do this all day.

 

My legs ache with every step now, but I still get up to greet daddy when he gets home. He tries to feed me again, but I can’t eat, I don’t feel too good. I’ll spend the rest of the night in my bed; it’s really comfortable and big, so my body feels like it’s floating.

 

I think this morning daddy doesn’t have to go out, it’s one of my favorite days, when he has all the time to be here with me. He seems to be a little bit busy making some plans, though.

 

The food in my bowl has been there for a while now, but I still don’t feel like eating. Today specially, my body feels weird. Daddy picked me up to stay with him in bed, I’ll just keep sleeping, I’m too tired to do anything else.

 

I don’t know what’s happening, but I my body is moving and I can’t control it. Daddy seems concerned, he calls my name, but I can’t respond, I can’t control my movements. There’s white stuff coming out of my mouth, everything hurts, I don’t know what’s happening. Daddy is crying, he’s on the phone with a very concerned voice. He doesn’t stop holding me. I want to make him feel better, I’m always by his side when he’s sad, but I can’t help it right now.

 

My body finally stopped moving, but now I’m too exhausted to move any muscle by myself. Daddy hasn’t stopped talking to me, calling my name. All I can do is move my eyes and hope he knows I’m still here, and that I’m okay now. He left me in bed alone, he said he’d be right back. I don’t want him to leave me for a second, I’m scared.

 

He’s back and put something into my mouth, it’s something sweet.; that worked to get some energy back into me, at least I can stand up now; but daddy is still very concerned and keeps asking me if I’m okay. When I stand up, I realize I wet his bed; I really didn’t mean to, I’m so embarrassed. He says that it’s okay, but I’ve never done such an embarrassing thing.

 

Daddy is so relieved that I’m okay now, but he doesn’t take his eyes off of me just in case. I sit beside him while he cleans the bed. I can barely stay sitting down, I’m so weak.

 

It’s happening again, my body is moving frenetically on the floor this time. Daddy carefully picks me up and puts me over my bed so my bones don’t hurt too much. He’s crying again and… I can’t… I’m not aware of my surroundings anymore, it’s like I went to a place of emptiness.

 

I finally come back, I can walk again. Daddy is still crying and is talking on the phone with someone. I think he’s getting ready to go somewhere now. Does he really have to leave today? I don’t want to be alone, I’m scared. I know what’s happening now, and I don’t want to put daddy through this. I don’t feel like myself anymore.

 

Daddy is talking to me, he says everything will be okay, but I know it’s not that easy. I just hope he knows how much I appreciate him and how much I’ve treasured these years with him. I look at him thinking back on all the good times we’ve spent together, all the times we’ve been there for each other; he seems to be thinking the same. I hope that he understands what I’m trying to tell him; he doesn’t need to worry, I’ve had a long and really good life, I’ve done so many exciting things, I’ve gone to so many places. And no matter what happens today, I will never leave his side, I will wait until we meet again. And until that time comes, I hope he can do for another dog what he’s done for me; because it would be selfish of me to want him all for myself even after today.

 

He’s leaving now, I don’t know how long it will take for him to be back. At least I’m not alone, my step brother keeps me company, but it’s daddy who I need right now.

 

The door opened not after long, but I can’t stand up to see who it is. I hear daddy’s voice saying he’s already back; he runs into the room and gives a sigh of relief when he sees me sitting down in front of the bed. He pats my head and runs back into the kitchen; he seems to be making something to eat. He comes back and gives me a bite of something, it smells really good, so I decide to eat it. It had a weird taste afterwards, I think there was a pill on it, he’s always so sneaky tricking me like that.

 

He’s cleaning up the mess I made on my bed. I’m so embarrassed, I couldn’t control myself and ended up making a mess again.

 

I can feel that it’s happening again. I feel myself fading out. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I feel daddy picking me up and wrapping me on a blanket… we’re heading out. I don’t know how long has passed, but I still can’t control my body, I’m not aware of what’s going on around me; I can only feel my daddy’s arms wrapped around my body while he’s humming a soothing sound like he did when I was a puppy until I fell asleep. He kisses my forehead and whispers in my ears that everything is gonna be okay. But tears don’t stop falling from his eyes, and I only seem to be making it worse because I can’t control myself.

 

We’re at the vet. Daddy runs through the door and yells out Emergency. After a few seconds, a doctor comes out and daddy explains the situation. He says I’m old, almost 13, and that I have cancer. They set me down on top of the blanket over a table. The doctor examines me and I can see in their faces the disappointment of knowing not much can be done. The cancer has taken over my liver.

 

Daddy doesn’t stop crying, it’s more intense by the second. He presses his forehead against mine and tells me how much he loves me. I love you too, daddy, I wish you could hear me say it.

 

It’s been too long since my body hasn’t stopped shaking. The doctor comes back and puts a needle through one of my legs and doesn’t take it out. It doesn’t take long for me to feel better, at least my body doesn’t hurt so much.

 

Daddy holds my hand and strokes the hair on my neck, it feels so nice.

 

Someone came, I think I’ve met her before, but I’m not aware enough of what’s going on around me to know who it is. She’s nice too and pets me now and then.

 

After some time my aunt and uncle come to see me. I can’t see their expression, but it sounds like everyone is sad right now. They’re talking about things I can’t understand much of. Sometimes they mention my name, probably telling stories about all the things I’ve done in this long life.

 

My breathing is coming up harshly now. My heartbeat becomes slower… until I don’t feel it anymore. --- Daddy! I’m okay now, there’s no more pain, I can jump and run without my bones aching!

 

Daddy looks over at my body, and breaks into a harsh sobbing. But, daddy! That’s not me anymore, I’m here, and I’m healthy now! - He can’t see me, I’m no longer on the same side of the world as he is. His friend hugs him and tries to comfort him, but it’s useless. If only he could see that I’m right next to him, I’m sure he’d feel better.

 

Daddy is leaving. We can go outside together now, we can go everywhere together. It looks like now it’s him who doesn’t have much control over his body. His friend has to help him walk because he’s too unstable. I remember her now, daddy took me to see her not long ago, she was really nice to me then.

 

We go outside and it feels so good to be this free! Daddy is pointing out at stuff like trees and grass, things we both love. He’s feeling the texture of trees like it’s the first time he ever sees one. I don’t know if he’s gonna be okay, he’s not himself right now.

 

We’re going back inside now. Grandma is here! - Hi, I’ve missed you so much, I haven’t seen you in some time! - Oh, no, she also looks over at the body I no longer have. They don’t seem to have any idea of where I am now.

 

It’s late, they’re all heading home now. Daddy’s friend is leaving first. I want to thank her, she’s done what was supposed to be my job, and I’m really happy daddy had her since he doesn’t notice I’m here anymore.

 

We’re heading home now. The outside world is so big! We travel fast and the streets keep going like they’re endless! It feels amazing to discover such a big part of the world. Now I can go everywhere daddy goes, I’ll finally know what he does all day when he steps out of the door. 

 

 

 

In memory of my son, Doggy Nino, 07/30/2004 - 07/01/2017. Until we meet again. 

Note: The picture is actually his last goodbye, the same day he crossed the rainbow bridge before the last seizure that didn't stop. 

Author's Note

Took me a long time and hesitation, but I finally gathered enough strength for me to write this. As usual, I welcome all kinds of feedback. And feel free to share with me if you've had a similar experience with a loved furry friend.

Reviews

[KAJ]

Very heart felt. I cried,our furry friends don't live long enough. I am sorry for your loss.