Dark Dance

First thing that I wrote that's the slightest bit readable.

In the courtroom of the Queen and King

A Jester begins to dance and sing

A smile to his face this can never bring

The Jester can never be happy

The Jester in his quarters begins to yell

“If only I could escape this hell

Find the key to my prison cell

Then maybe I’ll be happy”

It just does not seem fair

As the happiness he always bears

He may never himself wear

Even irony can’t make him happy

The Jester beings to hang a string

From the ceiling of the Queen and King

As he does this he begins to sing

“Maybe this will make me happy”

Author's Note

This is one of my first poems ever. Please be constructive when you criticize

Reviews

[emipoemi]

I dare say you have a well-constructed poem and narrative with this, however, first off, there are some lines that don't seem to convey the real message (either by typos or wrong words/wording), and secondly, every stanza has musicality issues that need tending to). Other than that, this is a interesting read that has potential. Good start!

[P. T. Corwin]

I like the theme of the clown who manages to entertain everyone else but is himself unhappy. It makes me think of the likes of Charlie Chaplin or Robin Williams.

I wonder if the piece would benefit from switching the second and third stanza. The first stanza is an external description of the jester's situation. The third stanza feels a little closer to his thoughts ("It just does not seem fair" is the jester reviewing his own situation). But it remains description. Only in the second stanza does it build up to him actually voicing his frustration, and his spoken wish for an escape might serve as a smooth lead into the suicide in the final stanza.

I also like the idea that he sings as he ties his noose. It suggests the beautiful irony that the thought of death actually is the one thing that makes him happy. If this was intentional, maybe you can bring this out more by tweaking the last line into something more definite.

I do agree with emipoemi about the "musicality issues". The rhythm jars a little in some lines, which might cause the reader to stumble. Having said that, I think the repeated use of two unstressed syllables alongside each other (for example in the first line), rather than the more common unstressed-stressed pattern, gives it a skipping feel that might go well with the subject matter of the jester. If you wanted to, you could bring that out a little more.