Holding space

How I discovered my purpose

This is me moments before teaching my first yoga class, aside from practicum, just totally blissed out.

I have been reflecting on my personal journey, as it seems to be coming full circle now. So many doors have opened along the way, but what I've gathered, is that they all lead to the same place. With each new passion, I thought I had found 'the thing' I was meant to do. This changed a few times, but what remained the same, was the knowledge of my calling.. my Dharma...helping others.

I knew early on that I wanted to help others in some way, but my ideas were once as premature as becoming a plastic surgeon. My reasons for this were wanting to make people feel good about themselves, however they saw fit. (Side note: this could not be further from the message I'm trying to send today. I don't know if I was influenced by my own mother getting cosmetic surgery or maybe a very graphic TV show called Nip Tuck, which led to me wanting my own insecurities nipped and tucked).

During my teenage years, a car accident lead me to receive chiropractic & massage therapy from someone who later became a very influential person in my life. I had this habit of wanting to see things. At the dentist I would ask for mirror, at the doctors I would ask to see all the tools & explanations of their uses, & during my massages, rather than blissfully zoning out as I do now, I would silently observe the way her hands moved the muscles in my body. After that, I thought I wanted to be a massage therapist offering out massages like candy, wanting to practice & relieve everybody's pain.

With the addition of my very first pregnancy came this primal response of wanting the best for my child. Instantly, I wanted natural everything for her. Natural birth, clothes, soaps, diapers etc. Oddly enough, the thought of nurturing my own body didn't occur it until much later, when my massage therapist (now dear friend), invited me to 'VegFest' in which I learned about veganism and left with a few documentaries about animal cruelty and nutrition.

This new knowledge inspired me to go vegetarian & eventually vegan, which became the gateway to all things health & nutrition. I soon was practicing regular self care & low and behold, bought my first moon cup! I was finally seeing my body as the temple it is & reflecting back on my pregnancy wondering how 'nurturing my baby' didn't scream 'NURTURE YOURSELF?!'

About a year later, I begin my yoga teacher training. Originally, I was looking for an income to support my family & thought teaching yoga, particularly prenatal & postnatal, could lead to a profession in my greatest passion...BIRTH. (Bet you didn't see that coming!)

I had tried yoga as a preteen, following along to a DVD my parents got me from Costco. I can still distinctly remember that euphoric feeling I felt afterwards. The natural high I encountered long before my first puff of Mary Jane. To say that yoga Transformed my life would be a complete understatement. It became so much more than asana practice. I began to see the synchronicity of all things in my life, right down to yogis practicing veganism & began living by the mantra "everything is just the way it's supposed to be." I graduated teacher training with the abundance of knowledge about healing in all its forms and set off to teach on my own. What I found was this profound love of holding space for others. This opportunity to create an environment, or channeling one, for people to tap in, connect, witness, & nurture themselves in an extraordinary way. Coincidentally, or not so much in this case, I learned how to hold space for myself.

Much like the synchronicity of yoga, all the puzzle pieces of my life seem to be adding up to a picture I could start to see. I was becoming this iconic figure to my peers that represented purity & health & all things birth, unable to keep all this wisdom to myself, probably annoying some, but planting seeds for many.

Soon I became pregnant with my son, which invited a somewhat new aspect of spirituality in much closer for me. I spent most of my pregnancy reading about spiritual pregnancy/birth & cultural practices around the world, wanting to experience something different then what I had previously. After his birth, I was craving that space again & I knew whether I had to seek it out or create it myself, I wanted it bad! I started to brainstorm ideas for different gatherings: scripture studies, women's gatherings, vegan potlucks, mom meet ups...seeking out groups of conscious people. I had now witnessed the effortless connection of women, thanks to motherhood & was embarking on another journey of holistic healing.

My love for physical, spiritual, & energetic healing has since evolved into a more concentrated passion of connecting and healing other women. With so many facets, I don't know where it will lead me, but I know the direction I want to go. I know that I am here to help others. To invite them, connect them, offer healing to them, however that may look. As long as I nurture myself within larger community of conscious people, this oneness in all of us, I can be full enough to fill others.

After reflecting, I see now, that what is... always was. I have done this my whole life. I have held space for my friends when they needed to purge their emotions, reassuring them that I enjoyed listening. I have held the space for my children when they were sick, tired, upset, & just needed to be held. I have held this space for myself many of times, when I needed nurturing to soothe my emotions or to birth a baby. I have held the space for my peers during asana and meditation. And I believe that I held that space for animals when I became the voice that they needed. I am forever grateful for this quality and have so much wisdom to acquire still, but the point is, I love this journey. I love helping others. Let me hold space for you.