Hard to Love

A Story by Megan

My world is spinning and I can’t make it stop. All I can think about is her. She was my world; my reason to breathe until it all came crashing down. My friends won’t believe anything I say anymore. They call me crazy. All I do now a day is lie in my room watching the fan spin round and round. It didn’t used to be like this. It was all perfect before I met her. Curse that beautiful angel whom I love so. She has ruined my life, my friendships, and my self control. Oh how I wish I could go back before these dark days.

…

It’s a few month prior to this day. I’m sipping hot soup out of my favorite Looney toons bowl. I remember this because my roommate Kyle tried to take it from as I was lifting it to my face. It’s just one of those lazy afternoons for the average college student and my friends want to take me to the clubs. I can already feel the sweat dripping down my face and onto my chest. I did this when I got super nervous. I’m scared for tonight because of the fact they want to find me a girl. I guess it’s something guys “need”. I wasn’t so sure on what I would do with a girlfriend in the first place. I could be much better off playing modern Warfare by myself or I suppose with my dumb roommates. Anyways, we’re now getting ready to leave and there was no way I’m going to get out of this. So I leave my nice warm couch and my remote controller with my army behind me and head out with the group.

Its eight thirty and everything is dark except for the powerful blinking strobe light at the head of the d.j. table. As we walked into the Club Dimego, there were people everywhere and I stood completely still in the middle of the dance floor. I felt like I couldn’t move and my nerves were tingling. Were my friends really going to make me dance with a girl? Before I could finish that thought, Jeremy, my other roommate, pulled me out of my own world and into a seat of theirs. They all looked so cool and collected and then there was me. I never really figured out how I became friends with them, but here we are.

I’m being pushed out onto the dance floor. I hated how they did that because they knew good and well that I can’t dance. When I hit that floor, it’s like a tub of noodles exploding. I tried to get away, back to my nice chair in the dark corner, but they kept me there. I have to just face my bitter enemy called dance and stay on that floor. There were so many people. I felt like a blade of grass in the midst of an entire lawn. We kept getting bumped and push, but my roommates just laughed and continued dancing. Kyle was even striking up conversations with some people I didn’t even know. Most of them just happened to be women. I had enough with all the closeness of sweaty bodies, so I wiggled my way back to my lonely, comfy seat in the corner once more.

I’m sitting by myself. All there really is to do is watch my friends “catch some big ones” and twirl the straw that was placed in my Shirley Temple. Other than the drunk passed out on the floor next to me, I’m completely and utterly alone. Even though we weren’t talking to each other, I could still smell the tequila on her breath. As I watch the mob of people in the middle of the floor, the beat of the music thumped against my brain and it made me start to feel queasy. I had to get out of there, at least just for a little while until I didn’t see doubles anymore. My only source of escape appeared to be the back door behind the bar. Before stumbling slowly off my chair, I took a big gulp of my drink, trying not to drop it on my face, and then darted for the door.

Outside, the fall air entered my lungs with a huge cooling sensation. It sort of felt like the first gasp of oxygen I had taken in the past hour. The filling expansion also took me off guard and before I knew it, everything turned completely black. Off went the street light, out went the glow of a freshly burning cigarette, and away went the light of my senses.

I woke up. I now realized that I was sprawled out on the hard concrete. I sat up quickly hoping that no one had just seen what I didn’t. I wasn’t for sure how long I was out, but by judging that there were no flashing lights or a faint sound of an ambulance it wasn’t long. I can’t really count on that for my calculation because there were people out there and I swear that not even a muscle on that old man’s face over there had moved. People in this town just don’t really have feeling. I know this because I’m one of those people.

I stone wall is cold. My plan is to sit there with my head in my arms until I could count the fingers on my own hand. The air was still brisk and sort of burned in my chest as I breathed. As I look around, there’s no one out there but me and a dying cigarette.

“Hey there man,” said a voice from nowhere. I jumped as a heard the sound. “Are you alright?” When I looked around, I still could see no one. I steadily answered the voice as best I could describe what had happened. Even though I couldn’t see, I knew the voice was that of a women’s. She spoke kindly to me and we conversed about how congested it was in the club and laughed about what intentions my roommates had for tonight. This was the longest I had ever talked to a woman and Jeremy would me so proud.

“Sweetie, you don’t look so great,” she said softly, “would you mind maybe if I helped you?” I answered with a yes hesitantly. I still at this point couldn’t see her, but even she could see my pain and I would do anything to make it go away. She told me she had a little something that she could do and that she did for herself often when she felt fuzzy. My instructions were to close my eyes, relax, and give her my arm. She, I guess, knew what she was doing. Oh if I only knew then what I was getting into.

I’m sitting there, still as a mouse. As I placed my arm on to hers, I felt this sharp pain. I thought I was going to punch the brick wall behind us. I thought I was going to scream and kick a few cars. I thought I was going to see the light. Before I could think of anymore analogies of my bitter end, the pain vanished and left behind a clear floating feeling. It started shooting up my arm and slowly moved into chest. The pounding that was just invading my brain suddenly disappeared and I felt fresh and healthy; like that feeling after you step out of the hot shower. Opening my eyes I saw all kinds of light and the sounds of the club flooded my ears once more. What had this women done to me? I had to know her secret, but as I turned to see her, that beautiful angel, she had disappeared into the night. I have to find her.

I stand up fast. Reaching for the handle of the frosty door, I was bound and determined to find her. Walking into that bounding atmosphere, I staggered a little and grabbed the wall for support. Even though I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol, I still felt as though I was intoxicated. This time though, I felt good. Even if I was still a bit off kilter, my body and my brain felt like heaven. I had never felt that way before. My skin felt like shiny armor, glistening in the dim light, my attitude for life was in full appreciation, and I felt like a million, hazy dollars. I feel like Superman. I have to clear my head a little from all these thoughts and remember what I came in here for; the angel, my new reason to live. She was my destination.

Bumping into people, I search for the goddess. Looking into many eyes that I knew weren’t hers and talking to more women than I ever have in my entire life, but I still couldn’t find her. I even stop to talk with my roommates.

“Dude, I’m so proud of you, “screams Jaime with a slap on the back, “I knew we could get you a girl!” I told them my situation and what this amazing girl had done for me and my pain. They all looked at me sort of funny, but wished my luck anyways. The search was still on and I wasn’t going to leave her without finding her.

I keep smoking chairs and various tables. My limbs felt weak like gelatin and my brain couldn’t keep up with them. What was going on? I felt amazing about an hour ago. On top of all these new problems that I now bared against me, I still hadn’t found her. I wondered through the club trying to hear the voice of everyone I saw. I couldn’t tell if these women were giving me weird looks or if the hazy had finally made it to my eyes. As I was “checking out” the women, I felt a sudden thump again the side of my face. I fell to the ground not knowing what had hit me. As I looked up, holding my face and searching for the force which knocked me to the floor, I saw only a post that was connected to the floor. How embarrassing. Using my peripheral vision, I could see that there were a few people standing around me. Most had their hand covering their mouths and others were on the floor with me but laughing. I had to get out of there, but all the strength had left my body. I saw the door I had used for my escape before and so I crawled.

I’m back into the crisp, cold outside atmosphere. Setting myself on the wall I had gotten to know pretty well, feeling started to come back to me. I felt the rocks under my hands and the chilled air gracing my lungs once more. I also could feel the smoothness of my jeans against my legs. I placed my hands into my lap, feeling the warm bump on my face. This was going to turn out to be the worst night. I didn’t know if I would ever get to feel that amazing feeling again, but I knew for sure that I would never get to really see the girl who gave it to me again. I was ready to tell the guys that we should get out of here.

“So how are you feeling now sweetheart,” asked that familiar voice. As I looked up, I smiled and I finally got to look upon the face of the angel.

…

I am not crazy. I’m not lying when I say this! I’ve tried to convince my roommates, my parents, and even the doctors. She was my angel, my new reason to breathe; she is not a figment of my imagination.

“I’ve never seen her,” Kyle screamed at me, “you’re always in your room, by yourself. Sometimes we even hear you talking in you sleep. You look like crap, what have you been doing to yourself? You are a freaking druggy!” How do I come back at them? Why wasn’t she here to back me up? Of course this was the only day she wasn’t with me. How could they not see I was happy? She was so good to me and gave me pinches to make me feel better. She is real. I am not crazy.

I’m surrounded by walls of white, tubes connected to every inch of my body. It was all because of her. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! Why did I have to be her victim? Why did I fall for that beautiful goddess? No, she was an ugly witch that took me under her spell! I do not do drugs, do I? Am I really seeing things? Has she been I figment of my imagination? No way, I can never forget the feeling of her lips on mine, her soft hands holding mine, and the cursed smile she always gave me! Oh how my stomach ached. My head was getting fuzzy. Even though I hated her so, I still felt as though I loved her. She would be able make this pain go away. I feel like I’m dying. I know I am dying alone because no one believes me. In this city, nobody really cares, not even me. I know she would have though. My eyes were getting heavier and heavier until I couldn’t see anymore. Everything was black. Then I heard a voice.

“I will always take care of you,” she said. I knew it was my angel.