Its A Hard Truth to Face

Ive had writers block for years

or so it seems

so much time has passed

but nothing unseen

I want to tell you everything

Exactly who I am

How I got here, Why I stay here

but its hard to understand

I know that I am needy

maybe because Im insecure

but I try to leave my baggage

at the last closed door

I know that I am kind 

and I am the best I can be for you

I know that I'm intense

I try really hard not to be rude

I want to make you smile always

I just want to hold your hand

I never want to question 

that one day this might end

You say you want to know me

but is what I've shown you true?

I can be loving, and social, and funny

I can dress up nice or still look cute bummy

You've now seen a little crazy

A little cry, a little anxious

You've seen a little angry

annoyed and complacent

Its hard for me to tell you

Everything that I've been through

How do you bring up a really hard life

every little detail, every little strife

How do you tell someone you suffer

from anxiety and PTSD

and not have them think you're broken

or that Im looking for sympathy

I know that I am smart

and I am patient and care way too much

but I know what I've been through to get here

but I dont use my past as a crutch

I dont want you to judge me

not that I think you would

I don't want you too look at me differently

because I don't think that you should

But Ive seen too many reactions

shocked and at dismay

I dont want to hear poor baby

or holy s**t, no way

I dont even want to talk about it

Because I don't know where to begin

at 4 years old? at 8 years old? at 12?

its all straight s**t

I just want you to love me

as the way you see me now

I know I'm strong and brave and blah blah blah

but I dont want you to know how

I want to tell you everything

I want to share our worlds

But I dont want you to hear my story

and think "oh, this poor girl."

I dont want to be pitied, or coddled, or restrained

I dont want you to see my skeletons and then turn the other way

I dont want you to judge my life and understand my brain

I just want you to love me now, as I am, just the same 

I'm sorry that I'm frightened

I'm sorry if you feel that I dont trust

But once that door is open

my heart could truly be crushed

I would love to tell you  

all the things I hide inside

I just dont think I can yet

until with myself it subsides