The Biggest Betrayal

Not the best writing, not the best diction or grammar, but it sits close to my heart. I live with it everyday.

I gave you everything that was mine to give. My love, my secrets, my dreams, my time, my body, my future, I gave them to you. I loved all of you. I loved your body. I loved your smile. I loved your passion. I loved the annoying way you sneeze. I loved the way you put on your socks before any other garment in the morning, when getting ready for work. I loved everything that was you. Though with every kiss, I could feel the distance, the secret. But it wasn’t a secret. I knew. I could feel it in your touch. I could smell it on your skin. I could hear it in the “goodnight” s and the always so casual “Love you” s. “She is nothing. Just a friend.” I wanted to believe you. I knew better but I so desperately wanted to believe you, because I loved you. So I did. I lived in the lie with you. And with every “Iloveyou”, that no-so-secret- secret, cut me deeper. How could you love me if you refused to stop seeing her? The blade of your lie swiped deeper through the muscle and tissue of an already bleeding wound every time I heard those words, “Nothing is going on.” I sat there in denial. Not me. He wouldn’t cheat on me. We’re in love. I know he loves me. I convinced myself every night as I lay my head down to sleep. It’s a raw nerve to be cheated on, so brand new of a feeling- like breaking up for the first time, hopeless and sad. It’s an uncontrollable feeling, and I felt out of control. How is it she could have my boyfriend? The jealousy would turn into sadness, and the sadness would turn into anger, and that anger would turn into rage. I have never loved someone so much, and been able to hate them in the same breathe. I told myself over and over, it isn’t happening- it’s in your head. He may text her at 1 in the morning, but he comes home to me every night. But that only lasted for so long, because one night, you didn’t come home. But the biggest betrayal was not that you slept with her. It wasn’t that you chose her over me, time after time. The biggest betrayal was made by me, against myself. I sat there even though I didn’t believe you, and I pretended it was ok. I let you get away with it, because I didn’t love me enough to walk away from you. It’s ok that you didn’t love me, but I should have loved me.