The Journey Of The Wise Man III

EXPERIMENTAL

The wise man
Reached a far away land
Where the ground was red
And the skies were stuck in dusk

Who goes there?
Do you not know who you stand before?
Beware stranger!
For this is the strong man!

The wise man remained speechless
Amazed by the strong man body's strength
The figure in front of him carried a sword
Four times bigger than himself

Putting together the words he knew
And the words he stole from god
The wise man sang a beautiful song
Echoing his tale in the strong man's heart

The strong man's amusement overtook his strength
Allowing the sword to fall
And shake the land of it's red and dusk
Allowing the sunlight to green such land

Wise man
You're one to smile for
The land you seek is above this world
The words you sing are below this sword

The strong man
Retook his sword
And so the ground retook it's redness
And so dusk retook the land

The wise man
Felt confused and lost
But he kept travelling

Reviews

[David Scott]

I like stories... Stories told in a poem take more time and need a little more development unless you are going to be very brief and let the reader fill in the blanks. A great poem tells a story in one stanza. Then again, you have some of Shakespeare's works where he told a poetic story over many pages. This poetry, while intelligent and well intended feels choppy to me. There is a bit of disconnect between the stanzas. I am not an literary professor and I offer no advice other than to say you have a great start to a poetic story here; with some editing you will have a more enjoyable read. IMO.
Most importantly, keep writing! I can see your passion and creativity.

[winter;lyra]

thank you very much, this kind of review is exactly what i'm looking for :) and i feel the choppyness aswell, this one little "story" is a little experiment I'm taking before launching on a bigger similar project i have on mind, so really, thanks, and also, have you read the previous chapters, is the "choppyness" generic?