The Journey Of The Wise Man I

EXPERIMENTAL

The lone man dreamt of a land across the seas
Where there was only sky and stars
The lone man was amazed by the lights
And woke up saddened by his limited surroundings

The lone man stood up
On the two feet he was born with
He climbed the mountain
And asked the wise god about his mysterious dream

Lone man
You've dreamt of a distant place beyond your power
What could a small creature like you
Want of a place like that?

The lone man
Answered putting together the words he knew
And the words he heard
And magically a beautiful song sounded out of his mouth

The wise god was amazed by such performance
And started laughing hysterically
As his brilliant teeth brightened the lone man's mind
Providing him never-seen-before wisdom

The lone man
Was now a wise man
And the wise god
Was now a mad god

The wise man descended the mountain
On his two feet he was born with
And on the wisdom he stole from god

Reviews

[David Scott]

Ok, same as before. To be more specific. The style feels like, "See dick run. Dick ran fast. Dick needs to jump." etc... I think your thinking is much more sophisticated than the writing. Your poetry has the form of free verse without any of the actual freedom found in using the form. It feels like you are going for an Asian myth feel here. Like a "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" type of story? Try to let the lines flow like poetry and feel like you accidently tell a story... Let the story sort of spill out over the beauty of the poetry.
I hope this helps.

[winter;lyra]

oh, i understand now what you mean, but on this case, it's on purpose, i can't explain very well, but i want this to be like that, fast and simple, but i should try doing that too, i think i always wrote letting out whatever came out of my mind without considering the fitting and form, BUT, i want to see where i can go like that aswell, thanks for the advice