Sep 9, 2014

    Only when I can remove a Hollywood type image of the Devil in my mind, the more realistic he becomes... and the more awareness of his reality, then the more deceiving of his craft begins.  His arrows have been becoming more like toothpicks.  That is, until he dipped them within a concoction of confusion.  Confusion has been an effective poison, enough to make my thoughts thrash about in an unproductive manner; not even sure to flip a switch on my decisions unless I know for sure it is from God.  There is fear of having too much spare time and even a fear of having too little time.  One can only read the Bible or pray so much before it has turned into a habitual choir; only so much time to let the Truth settle down and take root.  It seems as though everything that is instantly pleasurable to my flesh is under utter contradiction to God's desires.  Life requires time to grow and death can happen within an instant.  That life that only God can give.  
    What other selfish desires must I sacrifice?  God has not delivered me from most of my past habits, He simply picked me up from the fetal position and threw me back in the arena.  Battles I know for sure, I once could not win.  Though, I cannot quit smoking through my own willpower.  It is another unanswered prayer attached with a brief murmur of guilt.
    Ironically, I find myself smiling more.  The grief still alive as it was several weeks ago, is still present.  A sorrow blended with a smile?  I was unaware this oxymoron could exist.  Like walking with two broken legs.  Just listening to "inspiring" music that my ears once found violating and utterly offensive to my pride, brings to the surface hidden irritability; and why?  From allowing a sound wave to reverberate around my senses from others praising the Christ?  To hear of Jesus blasting in my car, dare I feel (insert stick between clinched teeth) shame and embarrassment?!  This pride is still slowly dying.  If only this were not a process.  His desires are increasingly drowning out my desires, a prayer that is in the process of getting answered.  Oh, that dreadful time.
    Only can light reveal hidden stains, depending on how reflective we choose to be.