Aug 22, 2014

    Without anger or resentment, my past memories are being built with God's wisdom into experiences.  That is, until they are under siege from my own attempt to understand or to even ask the question; why?  My present, when viewed as  blessings from the past, are opportunities for the future... and to the future, there is nothing short of glory.  But I cannot figure out what to do with a specific tragic memory.  I have asked God to take away the anger and my wish has been replaced with peace.  The memories though,  remain as pain.  Does this mean I am to keep forgiving again and again when my mind forces my heart to walk over this memory of scorching coals time and time again?  Am I to forgive again to someone who has only once caused archaic division within me?  No doubt, there is peace, but only when I don't attempt to put any mentality of reasoning on my understanding.  This "want" to understand has become a dangerous mirage of hope.  Leaving me to lose faith in myself and to give it to God.  Many times, my feelings, intellect, imagination, pride, and rational thoughts have all come to blows against my faith.  None were killed, but were temporarily hushed by faith.  This same faith being tried over trials of testing, not by it's amount of quantity.  There is plenty to scrape by.  It is the quality that is being stretched to divine limits.  I have recently wondered, how can I fight my personal spiritual battle in a field unknown to me of it's location or of limited intelligence of my enemies unpredictable and deceitful powers against my soul.  This must be where I let go of my life?
    Too many times have I attempted to be the captain of my vessel only in search of a steadfast and calm sea. Every time it is without success and that I ultimately run aground or slam into something that does not catch my natural finite senses.  For over the last several years, I have been praying for guidance while pursuing my own happiness.  This is not much different than being unknowingly drenched in gasoline and throwing logs into a fire.  If the logs are prayers, then this fire grows and suddenly I am ignited by an unsuspecting ember.  I have failed every time to predict God.  Who can?!  The best we can predict is the weather, and even that is just a calculated and/or computed guess.
    Upon realizing all this, it was never about a failed relationship.  I have always believed God has a plan for me, even after I would not lift such a finger to pursue it.  I have sincerely paid for this belief.  God's will has been like a hurricane to me.  I can either accept the winds to blow me to unknown locations or attempt to fan it away with both hands then face a collision course with many objects capable of heavy detrimental (or disciplining?) impacts.  I am positive I am now on God's will.  There have been many new temptations putting a much heavier burden on me.  After the dust settles and the smoke clears, after a successful resistance or even a failed attempt, these temptations are mere signs, or landmarks pointing me towards the path God has chosen for me.  It's as if I can see a visible footprint of a sandal from Jesus.
    Through these writings, it is just another step in His will.  With every step in God's will, there lay another key piece of life fulfillment that tears me away from my own paradoxical misunderstanding that surround the mysteries of my existence and fills those voids that this world fails to offer.  In other words, it's as if these words God is giving me are breathing... they have a life on their own.  They would normally be impossible for me to dig deep within myself and will them out through my own power.  These words He gives me seem to come at the most inconvenient of times.  I humbly admit, there are times that I must use a dictionary to understand some of them.  Thus proving, His Holy Spirit that is churning It's powers within me, and forcing His living existence through my heart and fingers.  There is no other joy in this world that could even touch this feeling I get when writing for Jesus.  The glory is not to me but to God, and yet He gives me the complete and most raw sense of pure joy to accomplish this for Him.  All this for simply never losing belief in His love?!
    I always knew I was going to be writing again.  I just didn't expect to be writing in the comforting confines of my room on that vessel that is now sailing through treacherous weather and rogue waves because of my actions.  To make it more clearly, I am no longer in charge of my sails.