Aug 21, 2014

    Since these deep and intricate words appear to be sprouting forth with meaning and seemingly coming to life.  I feel as though God wants me to dump my personal garbage out for all to see.  This is about my recent past obviously.  A story only a few have known about with such shallowness because I did not want to bring the true air into this abyss I was confronted with.  Sympathy was something I did not want from others.
    Last year, I was out of a fresh relationship.  It didn't register to any significant degree on my scale of suffering due to the fact, I had started disconnecting myself late in the relationship.  It was that point in my life, I decided, that it was time to spend my attention and concern on myself.  To build my own peace, save money, stay healthy, and without any intentions of being involved in any affairs with others or hold any desire to build a relationship with the opposite gender.  That was exactly what I had accomplished.  I even managed to quit smoking.  
    Several months of this contentment ran it's course.  Without warning, or any signs of foretelling of a change in my peaceful endeavor... here comes another lady.  After several weeks of conversation, we finally met up.  It was obvious she was into me.  I even told myself to stay away and refrain from any involvement.  After a while of getting to know her, how could I obey my own command when she appeared to be that missing tooth to my rattling yet functioning gear?  I could only say "no" so many times to something that appears to be just right.  I was helpless.
    Within a flash, she is gone.  I did not try to hold on because I knew it to be futile.  If pain could be weighed, I was a few grams shy from raising a white flag.  It was barely enough to bring a knee to the ground.  It was then, I was infuriated with God.  I made that very clear through my prayers and my future actions.  It's as though He purposely violated my weakness and personal peace in disguise to implode it from within.  Through my lack of understanding or to find reason of this, I turned my back and sprinted towards earth-like pleasures.  I'll admit, I met some extraordinary people but it pleased me more to fulfill this with quite a bit of alcohol.  I simply used alcohol to adjust my thorn to a more comforting debilitation and to grant my own enjoyment.  I never turned into an alcoholic, but I was well aware I was on that downward slope to becoming one and God was not going to have that.  I did things I normally wouldn't have done if I remained with my peace.  In other words, I partied, and I partied hard.  I managed to slip in a few prayers here and there as a year of this flew by.  No longer had any anger at God, but that didn't change the fact He was still facing my back.
    This limited time of anger was due to me attempting to take hold of and to attempt reason with my own delusional and limited understanding.  This story was merely a warning shot compared to what is going to take place after a year of partying.  On that day (7-12-14), that shot, was aimed directly at my heart, and God did not miss.  It isn't until now, how much I discovered how unreliable and dangerous my understanding is when it attempts to dominate the importance of a loving spiritual complexity.  I had God somewhere scattered within my list of priorities.  He did not approve.  He simply wanted me, more than I wanted Him.  The travesty of all this, is I was well aware of my distasteful actions I had been doing all along.
    God's most recent "gift" to me was a loaded potent batch of misery tightly packed with pain wrapped with beautiful ribbons and bows.   He knew I would put my hope in this "gift," and that I would not turn my back on it.  As time putters by, with the pride and resentfulness being bled out from me, this misery gift has created a blast crater for God's love to take root deep through my dry egoistic soil to new soil rich with minerals.