Aug 15, 2014

    This will without a doubt, leave me completely exposed.  For some reason, my heart is without any form of communication with my mouth.  There is only so much suffering I can hide inside... which only leads me to my keyboard.  Since I cannot communicate deeply with another mortal, this is my only option.  I would rather wait for an awakened Holy Spirit than write again.  I feel that there is to be no good that would come forth from another person, even if I had this ability to transfer my feelings of distress.  Who am I to think another person would understand this incapacity of deep communication I've been dealt with.  I  believe it to be more absurd than they would.  God has backed me into a corner.  Most of my desperate unanswered prayers seems as though they would have been better directed towards my wall.  I cannot mentally think of anything else to pray for.  How about comfort?  Not happening.  What about peace?  On rare occasions this blessing comes but it makes sure it does not wear out it's welcome.  I have even asked how I can glorify God.  Maybe volunteering somewhere?  It gives a lovely thought, but that requires finding new social skills that don't exist at this moment.  Who or what can I give help to, if I am also in dire need of it.  There is a constant battle between heart and mind.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out which thought is coming from which source.  The constant confusion only seems to scramble rational thoughts.  I do not doubt I am growing spiritually but it is costing me great strife with my lack of patience.  With a broken spirit, there is no professional humanly help with the exact antidote.  I again, find myself in the waiting room to see the One who created me.
     I can say, what I have learned thus so far.  I can easily love another person without fear.  Yet, with the smallest fracture of this feeling without fear, it is easily ripped apart even with just a small transgression on my heart.  Leaving me again, in this vicious cycle of searching for my own treasure of happiness rather than looking towards the Heavens.  I have put myself in another squeeze of either a temporary satisfying period of contempt, or to find the power of forgiveness.  This forgiveness does not exist within me, if I am to be flying solo.  Leaving me no choice but to crawl back to God and ask for the power to forgive.  It is in that moment, a mask of evil can be mentally torn off an individual and suddenly discover again the beauty of this creations Creator; or the Creator's creation.  What righteous foot could I possibly stand on to rebuke this human?!  When it was I, who once wore this mask.  That ability God has given me to love without fear, I only curse myself by giving such frail love out rather than focus it all on the Source.