Jun 11, 2007

It's blatant I haven't written a blog in a long time. Which can make me a bit oblivious as to where to start. I figure anytime would be the best time to write a blog without any pain... possibly making my writing a little rusty. It is most difficult to call to God and maintain a great relationship with Him when your life appears to be running it's finest. So many times do we cry for God when we've hit rock bottom or on the verge of death. But it's the writing that I throw on here about my life and my beliefs... breaks me down from my pride and into humiliation before I suddenly slam into a brick wall. I cannot keep living like I am living and be satisfied with my life as long as it isn't approved by God. There is a constant guilt that morphs into a living hell of a stress weighing me down. My sinful actions and decisions I have never and will never blame anyone but myself, therefore making me realize that I am the one who made the decision and that I keep committing it. There is no such thing as a good habit. I may be talking about myself, but it's a struggle to go to church, to pray, to stay healthy, to live with integrity. Then there are the other habits to one would think would come naturally... smoking, laziness, drinking, lying, swearing. They are anything but natural.

 

As many people I know, I don't talk about Jesus and Christianity... at all for that matter. As for my social networking profile goes and what it says, I seem like anything but a Christian and that my mistakes appear to be resonable. I have been living with a constant fear everytime I indulge myself and keep sinning. That would explain my love for God, and loving Him brings fear of my immoral actions. I have been blessed with a wonderful person in my life as well as many gifts, and great new friends.  I don't want to lose that. Rather than God bulldoze my fortress of pride down, I will attempt to blow it up myself, making my heart more open and willing to write. To look back and read some of my old blogs embarrasses me and to think people actually read them humiliates me... thats a good start for a stick of dynamite wouldn't you say? Put it this way, if I were to forecast the weather during hurricane season in Florida, there's always a good chance to be hit by a hurricane or catch a nasty breeze by one. It is only a matter of time before I am called back to God if I do not stop my ways, when that happens it is anything but pretty. Here is one of my favorite quotes by CS Lewis, "Nothing will shake a man -- or at any rate a man like me -- out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself."

My happiness is not being held hostage by God... everything that has been done to me whether good or bad has been done out of love. My decisions have triggered numerous downfall affects both presently and for the future, but there is always hope.