Introduction

     I ask you to bare with me.  I do not believe the following writing destined to be long, but rather short, potent, and bittersweet.  I am no better nor less of a person than anyone else.  Be advised I have made quite a number of bad decisions that have terribly affected myself and those around me.  What transformed from an unbeknown passion of writing blogs on a social network website, turned into something I could have never imagined. 
     The blogs will first commence as rather elementary, but slowly evolve into what others have deemed to be a "gift" and by the grace of God, it began to sharpen.  They transformed into an explosive aftermath of a constructive conviction from my past.  At times, some blogs will come off as "preachy."  I do not claim those writings to be an exact parallel with God's truth, nor do I have doubt in what I wrote because it is what came to me at that time.  But I am sure there are some writings that have cross paths with His truth.  Before I started writing, the most I have read from a bible were roughly the first twenty pages of Genesis when I was young.  I quickly lost interest from reading "someone beget someone."  That was when I was in my early teens.  After my heartbreak (hence this writing), is when I got serious about reading the bible.  This will explain why you will find very little references to scripture in here.  I simply didn't know them yet or couldn't remember.  I didn't know much about Jesus other than he died for me.  But everything seemed to be pieced together and made complete sense when I finally gave Him my attention.  As time went on, I started to read more, but never finished it.  Please, be aware of the dates they were written, for this "book" took roughly nine years to write.  I have always desired the reader to be taken for a roller coaster ride, but only to find myself on my own ride between Heaven and Hell (especially towards the end).  Not once was there a lack of faith, but that it transformed into a cry for help and when it was written, it was centered directly toward God.  I have been through the emotions with God... anger, love, confusion, solace, contempt, and peace .  I'm sure you have too.  It is the truth I crave and now share.  To discard my struggles on paper for His love in return to decimate my inner spiritual leaches, that were determined to crumble me from within.  I ask you to read with not an open mind, but an open heart.  I believe an open heart can alter the mind for the better, but the opposite can be said for a proud mind can shield the heart.  No longer is there an urge to question the meaning of life, once feeling His love it is overwhelming and fulfilling.  Perhaps my last and most recent relationship with another person did not please God, and it literally brought me to my knees again.  Through faith, never did I give up the hope that the Lord had promised me.  Therefore I was incapable of sharing my own unconditional love with another human.

With every merciful encounter with God, it didn't appear to be anything merciful in the beginning.  There was never a built up tolerance to pain from my escapades.  Every time I acted as a sandcastle that tasted it's first bit of rain.  It was Love that tore me apart, and it was Love that built me up. 

I am no ordained minister.  I have no professional education of the gospel.  I have no hidden agenda.  I am no saint.  I am not simply "coaching" from the sideline.  I have walked in these very experiences, and experience ran through unfiltered honesty is not debatable.  They have been given to me to share.  These writings begin a day or two after an unexpected heartbreak.  Struggling with my identity, I had to come clean.  I immediately began to expose to the public, the faith I have always held onto since my youth.  My little secret just exploded.  It began in the year 2005 and came to an abrupt end in 2006, but continued years later.  Not once nor twice but several times did my personal desires became a deceiving distraction.  You will probably find those distractions in the following writings years later.  History repeated itself like the nasty viscous cycle it was.  Those writings in the beginning, even if I wished to resist, I wouldn't have had the power and/or authority to do so.  It was truly an amazing experience, as though I was writing spiritually from a wheelchair from being devastated.  I would like to thank the Holy Spirit for that.  At that time, I had no such idea what the Holy Spirit was.  Though I accepted Jesus when I was in tenth grade.

I have been blessed with more than the required fundamentals to live a decent life.  I have a stable career, a house, a family, plenty of friends, a great car (at least to my standards), enough finances to not lose a drop of sweat over a single bill, and expensive entertainment to satisfy those things I love to do.  All of these things could not escape the fate of slowly fizzling away into the normalcy of everyday anticipation.  Just another thing to expect.  Big deal?!  Resentment being served alongside the most tasteful of platters.  It wasn't until becoming closer with God that these things came more alive and meaningful.

The following writings are for the Lord and from the Lord.  They are a mixed combination of experiences walking with God, stories that brought me tremendous grief, descriptive mental thoughts of battles that took place in my head, and a few blogs that were directed to God as cries for help.  He has given His truth through these writings and tore them out of me.  Not so much organized or in any type of order, they were mostly written from what came to me right then or the week following up to them.  They are a deep anxiety of physical expressions I could not get out.  It is one of my many debilitating thorns that God has used for His greatness.  In the midst of being written, there was an intoxicating and ambitious sense of an empowering freedom.  These are for the glory of God... to everything I owe.