What If

How I wished to turn around and change it all.

After three years of “blithely” exploring the world,
I finally find myself here for no reason.
Wondering why why I've come back to this place,
I realize I don’t know myself fully well.

Oh! Will someone listen to my gibberish talk?
I’m here with my heart aching, wishing it to stop.
I’m here with thoughts a mess, wishing it to explode.
I’m here all alone, no more will to call the dawn.

I still remember that dreadful night.
Our lives were perfect. We had everything back then.
Oh! You took me to my favorite place that night.
Everything was bliss like heaven on earth.

You said that the night would be full of surprises.
Indeed it was! That single night changed everything.
Fate took it all like the sea crashing down on us,
I had it all. It was ruined by one girl.

You tried to talk to me but my heart was filled with rage.
You said you loved me. I knew, but I felt betrayed.
I left, weeping my misfortune,
And shut the door wishing the darkness to fade away.

After crying in what seemed an eternity,
My mind became clear, I resolved to talk to you
Suddenly, my phone rang and I received a message.
A message that flung my life into chaos.

Life, as I have learned, is a series of what if’s.
The clock ticks. The river flows. Neither can be reversed.
I wish had the power to travel back.
Would it make a difference and save your life?

What if I'd never left? What if I'd listened first?
You would't have gone after me. Your car wouldn't have crashed.
The doctor wouldn't have said you were dead on arrival.
And most of all, I would had said yes to you that night.

I must be the silliest girl in the world right?
I am sitting here regretting all of those events.
Still hoping that I can find a way through these tears,
I suddenly catch sight of something on my bed.

I realized it was from you. It was a book.
Something that you loved with all your heart which pissed me off.
Just seeing this has made the world crash over me.
It was a million times worse than what Atlas had.

The book was slightly open and I see a ring
Together with these four words which bring such pain to me.
The page has these words highlighted “Will you marry me?”
It just made the night a series of what if’s.

© 2012 Meallea Pomorette

Author's Note

I know it's not that good but please review and rate it...
But I originally intended for this one to be story...
Probably I'll write the story sometime in the future...
Happy reading...
(^_^)

My Review

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Featured Review

ash

Heartbreak personified. You're very good at setting the mood. Now, if you can get your tenses and grammar straight, you'll have a masterpiece. Because it IS so good, I'm going to try to point out what I've seen.
Verse 1 - line 2 - "found" works, but "find" matches the tense in the next verse
Line 3 - you might want to try "why I've come back" instead of "why I came back"
Line 4 - Sounds as though you are now realizing this, so I'd change "realized" to "realize"
Verse 2 - meanings are unclear.
line 2 - what do you want to stop? The heart? The aching? Or both?
Line 3 - Again, no clue to what "it" refers. What I get from this line is "My thoughts are a mess. I wish my heart would explode" Is this what you mean?
Verse 3 - line 1 - I would delete the "'Til now" and the "can" and start the line with "I still remember..."
line 2 - this is past tense, so "Our lives were perfect. We had everything..."
line 4 - past tense, so "Everything was bliss like heaven on earth." Leave out the "is" before "on earth"
Verse 4 - line 1 - past tense. "...the night would be full..."
line 2 - past tense "Indeed it was"
line 4 - past tense. "I had it all. It was ruined..."
Verse 5 - line 2 - past tense. "Our lives were perfect. We had everything..."
line 4 -
Verse 5 - line 1 "...my heart was filled..."
line 2 - "... said you loved me. I knew, but felt betrayed."
line 3 - feels as though it should read "I left, weeping for my misfortune"
line 4 - "and shut the door..."
Verse 6 - I agree with a previous reviewer - the word "in" should be the word "for"
line 3 - "...suddenly my phone rang"
line 4 - the word "sent" is too weak for the emotion you've put into it. How about "The message flung my life into chaos"
Verse 7 - line 2 - needs to change "Both can't..." to "neither can..."
line 3 - past tense - "...wish I had the..."
line 4 - leave out the word "still"
Verse 8 - line 1 - tense - "What if I'd..." in both places
line 2 - tense - "You would not have gone after me, your car wouldn't have
crashed"
line 3 - tense - "...doctor wouldn't have said you were..."
Verse 9 - line 2 - How about "I am sitting here regretting..."
line 4 - tense (this one should be present to agree with rest of this verse) "I suddenly catch sight..."
Verse 10 - line 2 - unclear - what pissed you off? the book or the fact that he loved it so, or???
line 4 - tense - "...what Atlas had" or endured, or something like that
Verse 11 - line 1 - this verse also seems to be in the present tense. "...slightly open and I see..."
line 2 - tense - "...which bring such pain to me"
line 3 - "the page has these words highlighted..."
line 4 - doesn't quite fit. How about "Just made the night a series of what ifs" or something like that.

I'm not a poet, and prefer not to read the dark stuff, but you have a lot of skill. All that I can help with is grammar, punctuation and that sort of stuff.

Now I'm going to find my box of tissues and recover.
ash

Posted 12 Years Ago

Heartbreak personified. You're very good at setting the mood. Now, if you can get your tenses and grammar straight, you'll have a masterpiece. Because it IS so good, I'm going to try to point out what I've seen.
Verse 1 - line 2 - "found" works, but "find" matches the tense in the next verse
  Line 3 - you might want to try "why I've come back" instead of "why I came back"
   Line 4 - Sounds as though you are now realizing this, so I'd change "realized" to "realize"
Verse 2 - meanings are unclear. 
  line 2 - what do you want to stop? The heart? The aching? Or both?
  Line 3 - Again, no clue to what "it" refers. What I get from this line is "My thoughts are a mess. I wish my heart would explode" Is this what you mean?
Verse 3 - line 1 - I would delete the "'Til now" and the "can" and start the line with "I still remember..."
  line 2 - this is past tense, so "Our lives were perfect. We had everything..."
  line 4 - past tense, so "Everything was bliss like heaven on earth." Leave out the "is" before "on earth"
Verse 4 - line 1 - past tense. "...the night would be full..."
  line 2 - past tense "Indeed it was"
  line 4 - past tense. "I had it all. It was ruined..."
Verse 5 - line 2 - past tense. "Our lives were perfect. We had everything..."
  line 4 - 
Verse 5 - line 1 "...my heart was filled..."
  line 2 - "... said you loved me. I knew, but felt betrayed."
  line 3 - feels as though it should read "I left, weeping for my misfortune"
  line 4 - "and shut the door..."
Verse 6 - I agree with a previous reviewer - the word "in" should be the word "for"
  line 3 - "...suddenly my phone rang"
  line 4 - the word "sent" is too weak for the emotion you've put into it. How about "The message flung my life into chaos"
Verse 7 - line 2 - needs to change "Both can't..." to "neither can..."
  line 3 - past tense - "...wish I had the..."
  line 4 - leave out the word "still"
Verse 8 - line 1 - tense - "What if I'd..." in both places
  line 2 - tense - "You would not have gone after me, your car wouldn't have 
crashed"
  line 3 - tense - "...doctor wouldn't have said you were..."
Verse 9 - line 2 - How about "I am sitting here regretting..."
  line 4 - tense (this one should be present to agree with rest of this verse) "I suddenly catch sight..."
Verse 10 - line 2 - unclear - what pissed you off? the book or the fact that he loved it so, or???
  line 4 - tense - "...what Atlas had" or endured, or something like that
Verse 11 - line 1 - this verse also seems to be in the present tense. "...slightly open and I see..."
   line 2 - tense - "...which bring such pain to me"
   line 3 - "the page has these words highlighted..."
   line 4 - doesn't quite fit. How about "Just made the night a series of what ifs" or something like that.

I'm not a poet, and prefer not to read the dark stuff, but you have a lot of skill. All that I can help with is grammar, punctuation and that sort of stuff.

Now I'm going to find my box of tissues and recover.
ash

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

12 Years Ago

I'll work with it when I found some time...
Probably by the weekend or as long as I have no h.. read more

Reviews

R J Askew

The last four verses are my faves, esp this one because the emotional drama increases from here on:

What if I never left? What if I listened first?
You will not go after me and have your car crashed.
The doctor won’t say you’re dead on arrival.
And most of all, I would’ve said yes to you that night.

I won't comment on the grammar as I am sure 'Ash' has nailed all the key points by the looks of things.

That said the content of the verse comes through strongly. The words 'what if' and 'regret' seems to be the pivoal words, esp 'regret'

The book on the bed is a heartbreaking moment.

I enjoyed the read.