Repercussions from a Liar

A personal narrative

“It’s not true...you’re lying.  I seriously know it’s not true.”  My stomach was dropped to a depth I used to believe only rollercoasters could produce.  Both my heart and head felt eerily empty; it seemed to be my first out of body experience.  I felt like the ghost from the nightmare before Christmas watching my life unfold from above.  I clutched my phone in between my palms even tighter as my mother stared at me with wide eyes.  I knew those eyes; I had been receiving them from multiple people all week.  They were sorry for me, and they knew more to the stories than what my eyes did.  She stared deep into me wanting to help but not knowing how or where to start.  I repeated, “It’s not true.”  I was trying to break up the silence but also give my head another shot at truly believing this statement myself.  

It’s the strangest feeling when something that is held to be an absolute truth in life begins to show doubt.  It’s as if the Earth starts spinning in reverse and everything deserves to be questioned.  I would always catch myself asking, “If this turns out to be untrue, what else could be, too?”

“Honey - He was kicked off of Troupe.  That’s what the meeting tonight at the studio was about,” my mother explained softly, “I’m so sorry.”  Troupe is the dance team that I’ve been a part of for ten years now; it is a huge commitment held in my life.  I shook my head violently from side to side to clear away what she just said; I wanted to erase the words as if my brain memory were an etch-a-sketch.  How could this even possibly be happening?  Zach.  My Zach.  My dance partner of the last four years; my boyfriend of almost three, but even more importantly my best friend.   

“I asked him mom.  I asked him again, and again, and again.  He swore up and down that he didn’t do it.  How could he lie to me about something this serious?  How could he be ok with hurting me like this?”  The last question came out a little louder than intended and was charged with disparity.  I counted in my head all of the times that I begged him to tell me the truth over the course of this past week as the rumors spread from town to town.  Didn’t you hear?  Four high schoolers broke into Spring Lake Middle School and money was stolen.  One was a junior, 17 years old, and the boy I was in love with.  

“It’s already on WZZM,” she protested, “I know that this seems impossible to accept right now.  Would it help to maybe hear confirmation from his mom?”  She asked me while reaching for her phone.  I nodded my approval as she had already begun typing quickly.  Milliseconds dragged as I watched the replying dots pop up almost immediately after the text being sent - and then it appeared.  “Yes.”  The three letter word of an answer that would change everything for me.  My legs were shaky as I pushed myself off of my Aunt’s bed we were sitting on.  I could hear the cheerful voices drifting from my cousin’s birthday party downstairs and cursed him for ruining such an event for me.  I transitioned into the privacy of the bathroom avoiding the mirrors at all costs.  I didn’t need to see the black mascara streaked down my face marking sadness on my body, or my shirt wrinkled from anxiously tugging at the hem.  I fumbled in my phone’s favorites list for the number I call daily.  In a world that seems prevalent with second chances I was now dishing out his fifth or sixth.  The ringing echoed in my ear as I wished for the unrealistic; for a way this could work out in my favor.  

“Hi baby...What’s up?”  he asked.  I could tell that he was trying to sound collected, but I heard the quick sniffle before he spoke and could decipher his hidden emotions better than he even could.  He should have remembered how well I can read him, but he had to consider himself a master of fooling almost everyone by now.  Well, make that everyone, because now he had successfully played me, too.  

The only words I could force out were, “Did you do it?  Don’t you dare lie to me Zachary.  Are you really kicked out of dance now?”  His next reply short and sweet I will never forget.  It altered something deep within me as if a switch were flipped to shutdown a machine.

“No”

I’ve always struggled to comprehend why loved ones lie to each other.  I truly believed that on the other end of the line he was not lying in order to purposefully hurt me, or to specifically cause me pain.  He later told me that he only lied to protect me.  That he chose to hide what he did from me because he thought I was better off not knowing.  Was I though? I think people lie to the ones that they love often out of selfish intentions, but blame their actions on consideration to make it bearable.  He lied to me over the phone because he could not mentally man up to the crime he had committed, but not because he thought I could possibly benefit from drowning in the turmoil of rumors for longer than what I already had been.  So many people are victims of participating in deceiving situations such as this one, and I think it takes being on the receiving end to understand what it feels like in order to not do it to someone else.  I would never lie to him like he just did to me.  But maybe I would have given it less thought earlier before this knowledge and pain.

“I already know the truth, and what you just said is not,” I replied back to him.  I could not tell how much my voice was wavering, and I mentally prepared myself to come across the line sounding a lot stronger than what I currently felt.  “I’m going to give you another chance to change your answer.  Did you break into the Middle School, and are you kicked off of Troupe?”  This time his voice broke and I heard the quick intakes of breath that happens while crying.  

“Y-yes it w-was me,” he stammered, “but it wasn’t all my fault McKenna.  I didn’t want to do it!”  His breaths grew even quicker, thinner and my heart ached for him wanting to take away his hurt.  I find it funny how people can be suffering and push that away completely in order to help the person who causes the suffering in the first place.  I used to view this as a sign of weakness; I now understand it to be a skill that is very courageous, but should be used only in moderation.  I could not afford to keep giving myself and my sanity up to fix him.  It was emotionally draining me to the point that I felt almost dry.  I can only do so much to help him until he decides he wants to make that happen himself as well.  

Our conversation grew quiet as I watched water slowly drip out of the faucet confirming that time indeed was passing.  I caught a glimpse of my mom in the reflection of the mirror standing in the doorframe.  Her eyes still looked worried - still sorry.  I had the realization that what I was going through, and this pain that I was now feeling was affecting her and her happiness.  Watching me cry, watching me get anxious, watching me get depressed all took a toll on her as well because of her love for me; just as Zach’s emotions reflected greatly on mine.  How is this fair? How is it okay that because of a mistake he chose to make my mother should deal with this type of pain?  It’s not, and it was at that moment six months ago that I realized what I now know to be true.  Actions create a domino effect on people, on emotions, on situations.  A person cannot perform an action and believe that its results will affect them and only them.  They affect the people around you and the people you share connections with.  

I lost my duet with him that was suppose to be performed at Nationals in New York City.   I lost relationships with people I talked to who viewed me differently now after what he did because we were dating.  I partially even lost my desire to be at dance at all, and the trust I could muster up for anyone.  If one of the people I held closest to me in my life could lie to my face multiple times - who else could?  All of those things were taken away from me in the spur of a moment for an action that I did not perform.  I did not tell him to break into the school, nor was I there, nor did I even know the students that he chose to go with.  Yet I was affected, and now affecting other people as well.  Actions cause reactions and often times what they are and who they affect cannot be chosen.  Sliding down the bathroom wall I  still held the phone against my ear; sitting on the tile I realized that I have now learned to choose my actions wisely.  I cried harder as another drop of water hit the bottom of the sink.  

I now understand that things never go back to how they use to be previous to being lied to.  Just like shattering a plate, crumpling a paper, or lying to a lover the action is done and cannot be fixed completely.  The plate although glued will have cracks, the paper can be smoothed but not unwrinkled, and the relationship can live on but with constant doubt.  Just this one lie Zach told me seemed to overrule the fact that he’s been honest with me before.  He instilled a worry in the back of my head that never left with every word he said or text he sent me.  Even now after the break-up I struggle to give other men a fair shot at my heart; I’m boarded up with fences and my naivety is lost.  I am however optimistic for I do believe that time heals all, but never again will I give myself up for a guy.  Actions cause reactions and often times what they are and who they affect cannot be chosen.  That lesson I learned the hard way and will never forget.