The Innocence of Tori

A Story by Maylin, Rise

The story of a young girl who is in need of an escape from both herself and what happened. A trauma so great she doesn’t know who she is.But Tori will never be completely normal again until she speaks

I didn’t care to wake up that morning. But out of some sort of reflex, I did. I spent the whole school day in a daze, not caring what anyone said to me or any action I took. All six teachers threatened to call my parents, but I really didn’t care. My reply to all of them was

“Hey if you manage to get through, let me know ‘cause not even I can do that. “ I was referred to the counselor later on in the day, and as I walked down the cavernous void hallways I started to think.

“Should I tell the counselor? No I should just stay quiet, it’s not like anyone cares anyways. I finally reached the counselors office. I felt a chill go up my spine, and I didn’t know why.

I crept through the heavy gray door hoping she would be too busy. I knocked softly on the wall and in the softest voice said

“Hey Ms.Kayy my teacher sent me here.” “Come have a seat, now, tell me why your teacher sent you here.” She said.

“Well I wasn’t doing my work so she sent me here.” I answered.

“Well I don’t have time for foolish little things so just take a yellow pass and wait in the office until the bell rings.”

She decided. So I took the pass and nearly ran out of the room. Once I was halfway down the hall, I let out a big sigh. The bell had finally rung; I stumbled out of the double doors and met up with Blake (my boyfriend) and Eran by the buses. We started to walk home, first to my house in Allison Island and later on they would continue to their own homes. Eran started to ramble on about some stupid motorcycle, and Blake would just laugh at the fact that no one was listening to him.

We finally reached the gates that lead into the island, I hugged Eran and kissed Blake goodbye. I started towards the long road that leads down to my house. I got to my driveway and went up to the crystal double doors with white wooden frames and put my hand on the door handles made of white gold that had my last name engraved in them.

Just as I was about to open the door and walk in, I stopped, stepped back, and looked down at the driveway. I walked over to the seashell looking pavement and laid down on it. I put my head on my black leather Chanel tote, and stared at the sky.

I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted to stare at the sky and fall asleep. I guess I had naptime insomnia because I laid there until the sun started to set, and not once did I even almost fall asleep. Since it was getting dark, I decided to go inside even though I knew no one was going to notice whether or not I was in the house. I was greeted by a house so desolate and so silent, that I could hear the fans swishing on the third floor. I threw my keys and my purse on the marble floor. I went into the unnecessarily large kitchen to see if the chef was there. He wasn’t. So I went out to the backyard and stared at my reflection in the pool.

It was almost painful to see myself standing there; I was so ugly and so fat. I hated myself. I pondered jumping into the pool and drowning myself. No one would notice anyway. I knew I was a huge coward but I thought that at this particular point, my dysphoria could have reached such a depth; that I could find it in myself to stay underwater until my heart would stop. I had to at least try. I took off my shoes, my shorts, and my t-shirt. My feet seemed to find the way themselves and slowly go down the steps that led into what was the potential end to everything.

I took a deep breath, but then let it out; realizing that the less air I have, the faster I would drown. I went under the waterline and waited. It took a tremendous amount of effort and strength, to keep myself from coming up for breath. My chest started to hurt and it felt as if something had a tight grip on my heart and was squeezing the life out of me. Although I was suffocating, I seemed to like this feeling because I had such a great power of life or death at my hands. It was up to me to make this decision, Live for what is and could be? Or die for what was and will never be? I was pretty sure I had chosen the second one, until I got an all-to-clear visual of my cadaver just laying on a table, with one single tear streaking down my pale cheek. It startled me just a bit, but it was enough to loosen my grip on the metal rail and bring my body afloat. My plan was ruined. With all the regret in the world, I was still here.

I was angry. I was more than angry. I was enraged, at myself for letting go and at everyone for not bothering to stop me. It’s just too much to know that you almost killed yourself and no one knew.

No one cared to check on you, no one cared to look for you. No one cared, period. I stormed into my house, soaking wet, wearing only my underwear and bra. The house was like a glacier, icy and cold. But it did not bother me.

“Jessie? Kaitlyn? Anyone?” I called out.

No one answered so I assumed my nannies and the chef had the day off. The gardener had already left and the maid had probably gone home as well, as for our butler Davis, I had no clue. I decided I was probably hungry, or at least I should be. I reached into the fridge and found a plate of chicken picatta covered with plastic wrap and a little note on top. It read,

I know you love the way I make it, so I made everyone eat chicken picatta just for you. Love, Chef Michael.

Now you would think he likes me or cares about me, but I mean the man is paid to please my every craving. I took the plate and wolfed it down. Then I looked down at my fat stomach and was appalled, I dashed to the hallway washroom. Tears were swelling in my eyes.

I locked the door and threw myself at the foot of the ceramic, paper-white toilet. I took hold of the sink with my left hand, and with my right, I shoved my finger down my throat. By now there were tears running marathons down my face. What had started as a silent weep was now a vicious sob. I retched and continued my efforts until succeeding. When I was done, I let my body drape over the bath tub as I breathed deeply and uncontrollably.

After I brushed my teeth, I went to my arcade. It was no fun without my brother Ryan or Davis. So I just sat in the Grand Theft Auto 2 simulation chair with apple-red colored leather and called Blake. He asked me why I was so sad lately, I told him I wasn’t and he was over exaggerating a mild case of PMS. He laughed.

Blake was such a sweetheart; I was head-over-heels in love with the guy. It could be the dashing good looks, or the intriguing personality, or the fact that he was a genius. I didn’t know what exactly it was about him, but it had been working for the past 6 years. We had been going out since we were eight years old. I know we were little but it’s kind of cute.

He asked me if I wanted him to spend the night at my house since I was all alone and what not, so I agreed. It was only 8:30 but he wouldn’t be here until 10:00.

I went into my 2^nd floor closet and took out what Emma called my stripper pajamas. I don’t know why she said that considering she had bought the same ones in black. Her excuse was that they were pretty and no one ever saw them except me. I doubt that. I guess the pajamas were a bit provocative. They were made of pink silk and black lace. It was a low cut spaghetti strap cami, and supposed booty shorts, with a matching robe for what again Emma called the Aftermath.

I set up my guest bed upstairs for propriety’s sake even though I knew Blake would end up in my bed. We weren’t going to do anything rated R but still. I watched Half of Finding Nemo because Emma was watching it at her house, and it was our favorite movie so she told me to watch it with her and leave the phone on speaker. She was a weirdo, but she was my weirdo.

After watching up to the part where Dory makes whale sounds, I told Emma I had to go because Blake would be here in a few minutes and of course she said a bunch of perverted things, like always, and then gave me a whole lecture on abstinence. I heard the doorbell ring and I slid down the railing of the grand staircase and skipped to the door full of glee. I opened the door and jumped into Blake’s arms. He spun me around in the air and gave me a hug. I noticed he didn’t bring any pajamas.

“Hey Babe why didn’t you bring any clothes?”

“Because you know that empty drawer in your 2^nd floor closet? It has all the clothes I bought last weekend in it, plus my gym class uniform.”

“You’re a baser.”

He laughed. And of course the first thing he headed for was the refrigerator in my playroom. He grabbed a Twizzlers, a Snickers, a vault, and Ranch Doritos.

“Fat A*s” I exclaimed. He was shoving so much food in his mouth, he couldn’t even answer me.

“Do you like my pajamas?” I asked.

He stopped, swallowed, and replied

“Of course I do, you look hot.”

I was going for more of a “you look pretty,” or cute. But hey he’s 14 I can’t expect much.

After playing SING IT™ on the wii™, He made me watch a stupid show called (It’s always sunny in Philadelphia).I hated it but we watched it anyway in my home theater. I was texting Eran the whole entire time about some surfing competition in Cancun. The only thing I like about watching movies or shows in the theatre was that Blake knows how to operate the popcorn and ice cream machine. It was like midnight already and this bozo wasn’t even sleepy.

I had to whine, “Babe can we please go to sleep now, I’m exhausted. Pleeease, You literally see the potato sacks under my eyes, let’s go upstairs.”

“Fine, But I get to pick the car we take in the morning.” he warned. “Yeah whatever we’ll take the mustang since I already know that’s what you want.” (I know what you’re thinking. I don’t drive don’t worry, I have a driver).

We raced upstairs to my room and jumped on to my bed. Blake was like

“You know pajamas aren’t really necessary Tori.”

“Shut up, yes they are when boys are in my room.” I argued.

He took off his shirt and was about to take off his pants but I yelled at him to go change in the bathroom or upstairs. When he came back down I was pretending to be asleep so he wouldn’t think of turning on the television. He saw me sleeping and whispered to himself “The prettiest girl in the world and she’s mine. I’m must be the luckiest guy ever.” I thought it was the sweetest thing. But then he came and gave me a kiss and covered me with my blanket. Once he was in bed next to me, he put my monkey under my arm, gave me another kiss, (this time on the cheek) and tucked my hair behind my ear right before he went to sleep. I had to correct myself. Now that was the sweetest thing.

The next morning I woke up and Blake was already awake, I heard the shower running and him singing. I laughed. I got out of bed and went to my other bathroom on the second floor of my room. Blake took my towel so I had to go back down and get a new one. I got into the shower and let the water run cold. It was the only way to really wake me up.

When I got out of the bathroom I realized Blake thought it would be funny to take my clothes, I had to go downstairs in my hot pink towel.

“See this is why you should never leave your clothes outside the bathroom Tori.” Blake snorted. I kicked him out of the room and changed. I had to call Emma to ask her how to use the color stick eyeshadows. Unlike me, she actually knew how to do makeup.

Once I was ready I went down stairs to find Blake eating the biggest omelet I had seen Chef Michael make. I kissed Blake good morning. I thanked Chef Michael for yesterday’s picatta and he made me fresh Swedish crepes drizzled with cherry syrup and ripe strawberries, which Blake scarfed down over half of. I hurried him and we grabbed our book bags as we ran out the door. I asked my driver if we could take the mustang since that was what I promised Blake.

On the way to school, Blake copied my math homework and I copied his science homework. There were a few good things about today. #1 it was Friday, #2 we had a field trip, and #3 we were going ice skating with everyone at night. We got to school and dropped off our homework to the teachers. We went to the buses to wait until it was time to go on the field trip; we were going to Miami Metro Zoo.

I kind of wished that Emma was in my school because Eran was all by himself now and no girls would go out with him because Emma was friends with everyone and when they broke up, people stopped hanging with him. He deserved it but he had been really depressed ever since, and it had been almost a year since she dumped him. Poor kid just sat in the last seat with his iPod and a broken heart. (I know, dramatic right?)

The zoo was hot as hell. My hair was getting to be too much so I tied it up. The trip was fun except for the fact that we had to write the name of all the animals we saw and had to write 3 sentences about each animal, we had to have at least 15 animals, oy. My group was made up of Audrey, Blake, Eran, and I. We all had Honors Biology but we still found the task a bit difficult. After about number 5 (which was an orangutan) we bought the rest of the information off another group.

Just when we were about to have lunch, I went to the bathroom to fix my hair and I saw how fat I looked. I was a size 5. I was a fat cow. I didn’t eat anything during lunch. But I lied and told everyone I did. I just drank lemonade and water the whole trip. Blake ate 3 slices of pizza, curly fries with cheese, and a basket of chicken strips with onion rings. Like hell I was going to kiss him after all that. I bought him a pack of eclipse mints in the gift shop. I think he was a bit offended but the way he looked at me was still funny.

Apparently the zoo has splash zones. I was wearing a white shirt so these two elements did not mix well. I’m pretty sure almost all the girls had white shirts on. This was what sparked the idea in the boys to tell us that the historian needed a picture of all the girls together. Here’s the thing, the splash zones just look like colorful tubes….Until someone turns the wheel. We all said “cheese!” and we were blasted with water on both sides! Hence, creating a spectacle for all the boys. They got in big trouble for it, but they got pictures so they were willing to take detention. Ay, Nautilus Middle School…You Gotta Love it.

When we got back to school I saw Emma standing in the office. I ran in and hugged her.

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at your school?” I exclaimed

“Yeah I guess I should, but I'm not” she responded.

“I left early and came here so I can go to your house and we can wait for everyone while we’re there. Plus I need to go shopping and I'm not going to any store in Aventura Mall. They’ve taken over all the good stores so I thought we would go to Saks Fifth. She said.

“Yeah sure but Eran and Blake are coming with.”

“I don’t mind Blake but really Tori? Eran? I don’t want to be around him.” She whined.

“Listen Chick, you still like him and you just don’t want to be close to him because it’s going to end up like last time you guys were “fighting,” some hell of a fight that was. It stumbled all the way to the arcade! You guys were sucking face like freaking leeches. I was like damn you must be good at holding your breath cause….”

“Damn Tori I get it, but seriously I’ll look like a w***e if I go back out with him after that.” She pointed out.

She was right, but they went out for 2 years and then she went out with some other guys. Well the bell rang and I couldn’t wait until Eran heard Emma was here. He was going to freak out.

When Eran saw Emma, it was too hilarious. He flipped around really quick and made a run for the door but Blake caught him. The kid was literally dragged from the collar by 3 guys over to the office.

He said “Hey Bab..Uh I mean Emma” he looked so nervous but we had made them promise to be civilized.

”Hi Eran” she said annoyed. Since we were going shopping, we didn’t walk home. I called my driver and he picked us all up. Blake and I thought it would be funny to stick them together in the back. They think we’re dumb, they were holding hands in the car and we could see them texting each other. It’s called rear view mirrors my friends. We got to the first store and we were greeted by Jane (the lady that works with fitting). We tried on these crazy leather pants and some fluffy yellow dresses with red hats. Of course Blake came into the dressing room while I was about to change and told me to try on some weird kinky undies and a corset. I told him to piss off with his bleeped up Janet Jackson clothes. He smiled. Oh and I'm more than sure Eran was in the dressing room with Emma, it was way too quiet. All you heard was background music and kissing noises, way too funny.

We didn’t go to anymore stores because we found everything we wanted at Saks Fifth. Emma got a black and yellow tube top dress that went with skinny bleach wash jeans, black pumps, and a black leather crop jacket. I bought a long sleeved turquoise babydoll shirt, black tuxedo shorts, fishnets, and onyx ankle boots.

When we got back to my house, Blake caught me. Everyone was in the arcade waiting for the rest of the gang. I went up to the kitchen and ate a salad. Afterwards I went into the bathroom, as usual. But for some reason, I forgot to lock the door and Blake stumbled in when I was trying to force myself to throw up. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I got this big knot in my stomach. He grabbed my hand and we went to my room. He sat on the sofa with me. He didn’t say a word; he just hugged me for a really long time. I think I was crying silently, and I'm pretty sure he was too.

“Why do you do that?” he asked

“Because I'm fat” I yelled back at him, “and don’t try to tell me otherwise…” “To me you’re the most beautiful girl in the whole universe. And you’re not fat. You’re gorgeous and sexy as hell. You drive me crazy! How could you think that?” he whispered.

He put his forehead to mine and his hand on my cheek. He stroked my face gently and said “this is the last thing I wanted you to feel babe…” with that said he walked away.

I felt so stupid, and selfish. How could I do that to Blake?! Of course I didn’t care for myself, but I could at least consider his feelings in my actions. I was so horrible. Ugh I disgusted myself. I sat in the bathroom for a while, trying to recollect myself before going back to the group. I took a deep breath and stood up. I opened the door into the hallway and saw a paper with my name on it, taped to the wall. I took it and opened it. It was from Blake.

“Tori, you know I accept you for who you are. However I do not except what you do. I know this letter is written all properly. But I need you to understand that I'm serious. This is something dangerous to your health, not only physically but mentally. You are one of the most; no you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Tori, I love you. Forever & ever babe.

-Blake”

Just as I finished reading the letter, Blake snuck up in me and tilted my chin upwards. He kissed me very gently and very lightly on the lips. He just held me for a little while. He put my hand in his and we walked back to the arcade together.

The four of us changed so we could leave to the rink. The boys changed upstairs. Emma and I changed into matching sweats from PINK. Mine wear purple and hers where black. We looked pretty cute, since she brought her curling iron (she is such an emo fashonista) we had a head full of luscious curls. There were a couple of kids waiting for us downstairs. We had one of the kids’ brother drive us to the rink on Taft Street. We were all acting so dumb in the car, singing the theme songs and commercial jingles from TV. It was pretty amusing, especially during some game called who am I? I found it pretty difficult to pretend to be someone else, including myself.