Something I have always wished to express but never dared to...

In loving memory of my father...

"Oooohhh… this means that you’ll never have any siblings!!!!"

I was almost seven; I couldn’t figure out what that could have to do with your death.

It took me some other 7 years to understand the causality effect…

He had almost the same age. How could he know such things?!!

I think I have always kept a bitter feeling toward him because of that …

That bitterness … Oh! That bitterness was killing me…

What bothered me most was that I didn’t remember you…

It wasn’t my fault because I was only two. But I didn’t understand that until age 15.

Though I never met you, I have always missed you especially during my childhood.    

I didn’t know what your role should be, what you could add to my life, but I knew that something was missing in my family… it couldn’t be normal, there’s no way all families could be that way!

Nobody ever told me about you, they avoided even to discuss the subject with each other.

I was not allowed to ask about you, I had nothing but your big picture hanging upon the living room door to tell me what you looked like!

I guess I wouldn’t even know your name if it wasn’t written on my ID!

I was quite upset for I never knew where your grave was and I could never visit you there or offer you some flowers for your birthday …

When I was a child, they told me to pray for you and I did without understanding why and how I was praying…

Then, one day, some relatives came to visit us and brought their neighbors with them.

Those neighbors were completely strangers; we had never seen them before. Yet they asked my mom about you and she told them all the story: how you got a fight with your cousin, how angry you were while driving, how the accident occurred, how the car fell down the river, how you were transported to hospital, and how the family kept the secret telling her you were in the ICU while you were already dead!

And that’s how I got the answers to all my questions by hearing by chance my mom telling them to a stranger!!! I was only twelve…I felt that was unfair!!!

I wanted to know more, but I never had the courage to ask…

So, I took the habit of watching the sunset and talking with you…

Since that day, you never deceived me; you answered all my questions and told me even more than I wanted to know… You told me that you loved me, that you were here beside me, and that you’ll stay forever by my side, never leaving me alone… because you died for me!!!

You told me that God was my real and only father… that He was yours, too.

You told me that I was a very special person just because God loved me so much and sent His Only Son to die for me … and I realized that you also died for me because you loved me so!

 At age 15, I had a dream… I saw myself waiting for you on the shore and you arrived in a ship that rescued all the victims of the war and brought them back to their country.

When I saw you, I recognized you instantly, I ran in a hurry toward you, I wanted to hug you, to tell you how much I have missed you… But you stared at me quietly and asked me: “Parla italiano?” I nodded without understanding your question … Then you asked me if I recognized you … I woke up confused but happy, wishing it wasn’t a dream but believing this dream would bring me much serenity in the future…

The next summer, I began to take Italian courses and I felt that could please you…

  A few years later, I discovered my musical talent and began to compose songs that mostly talked about you. When I graduated from High School, I missed your presence but I dedicated all my success to you…Yet, I felt it wasn’t enough and before I graduated from Medical School, I wanted to give you a more special gift.

I felt like willing to gather all the roses I should have offered you all over my past 21 years in one bouquet and give it to you on your heavenly birthday which was at the same time the fathers’ day.

So, I decided to take risks. I wrote a very simple story about a girl who thought her father was dead for 19 years then discovered he was alive. She looked for him everywhere, she had a very hard journey, and finally, she found him and he gave her a precious message of encouragement and guidance in life (the same message I have always wished you would leave me) just before passing away!

I was in my final year, I had so much to do and to study but I wanted to take risks… I gathered 8 of my friends and made them act that screenplay, even though they had no idea about acting. We filmed a very modest movie in which I included all my songs and I was happy to work it all by myself and dedicate it to you.

On November 1^st, I invited all my friends who had lost one of their parents during the last 7 years that we spent together at university. I could never express my sympathy to any of them. The grief I wasn’t allowed to live at age two, I couldn’t express it to my friends as an adult… When they saw the movie, they thanked me and said they got my message of sympathy and could feel my grief. As they were leaving, I felt so satisfied and I could almost swear you were smiling to me from above…

Today, I still don’t know where you were buried, I still don’t carry flowers to your grave on fathers’ day, I still don’t ask about you but I experienced your presence in my life which was stronger than anything and I dedicated my life to you.

Today, I know you’re here, and unlike my childhood memories, I know that death doesn’t separate us; I know I’m not different, I know I don’t lack what others have in their own families, I know your existence is quite real, even though not physical.

I may seem the same weak girl who always misses you but the truth is that I found you and this discovery changed my life…

You’re always with me, you’re the only person who does never let me miss him.

Thank you for being my father

I love you…

 

Author's Note

In a few days, my dad would be celebrating his 22nd anniversary in heaven, and I wanted to share with you my prayers for him...

Reviews

[Delightful Writer]

Great story. I'm sure he's watching over you:)...

[Dawn]

A medical student come writer, brilliant devotion to your dad hun, and it is really well written too. I am sure your dad would be really proud of you. thanks for adding me as a friend.

Take care hun, and keep writing.
Dawn

[Mayaway]

Thanks

[ElJays Nicholas]

Thank you for sharing this story. It touched me deeply and brought tears to my eyes. Your father is with you always, and you are protected in divine love. God bless you....